Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 22

Thread: Wrestling with depression and grief after breakup

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Posts
    51
    Gender
    Male

    Wrestling with depression and grief after breakup

    Hey everyone. It's been a few months since I last posted. Last time, I talked of a break up that happened back in November 2019. Well, here's what's happened since then:

    I'm afraid I did not take the advice of cutting contact with her back in November. For a while, I was doing well about just talking with her has friends. But over time, it became clear that we could not handle that sort of thing. In December we went back to talking like boyfriend and girlfriend again, and it wasn't long before we were talking about how we could be a better couple in the future.

    After having not seen her since the end of September, I finally saw her again during a New Years event. While we were super anxious about seeing each other, it was honestly very nice. We got to catch up and remind ourselves of why we had feelings for each other. Honestly one of the most romantic events of my life. That being said, when I returned home after those few days out of town, I remembered all the reasons we originally broke up, and I knew that those reasons were still there. I felt like we were about to jump into the exact same situation, and once again I felt a horrible gut feeling about moving forward. So on January 10th, I once again let her go.

    For some reason, the break up this time was so much harder on me than in November. Within the month, I learned that she was already talking to a new guy. I was shocked at this, for she was always expressing that no one in her life compared to me, and that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I thought, for these reasons, it would at least take her as long to heal as it would me. I have been distraught since then. I have been wrestling with depression and grief. I've questioned how she could move on so quickly from me, and I questioned whether I really ever meant anything to her or not. I've wondered if she even thinks about me anymore, and wondered how I can be so easily forgettable. Even tonight, I noticed on a certain social media platform (Pinterest) that she and this new guy are sharing things about houses, suggesting to me that they are already talking about living together or maybe even spending life together. I am shocked and devastated.

    I have to say, all the free time that has come with the coronavirus quarantine has made the healing and moving on process 100x harder to deal with. I even feel more broken than I did in January. I have shed more tears in the past 3 months than I have in all my life. While I'm taking baby steps about working on myself during this time, it has been hard to motivate myself to do anything substantial. Life has not felt worth living. I have lost all hope. I'd love to believe her being with this new guy so soon is a red flag and shows I made the right choice. Do you guys think that?

    I don't know what to think or do anymore. I am a heartbroken fool. I feel betrayed, even though obviously I know she has not wronged me. I realize I brought this all on myself; I know I must take responsibility. But I could use some advice and encouragement right now. Thank you. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    14,053
    So you broke up with her but you're upset she moved on?

    I think in your loneliness you are clinging to the past because it is more comforting than the present.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    California
    Age
    43
    Posts
    581
    Gender
    Male
    I don’t have any advice other than the standard “stop following or looking at her social media and do total, absolute NC.”

    As far as encouragement goes...I would encourage you to keep looking for ways to grow and heal, as you say you have been. I see glimmers of your knowing of the truth in your post: of course she remembers you and in fact she would do anything to avoid the pain of your breakup. But we all know you can only defer pain for so long before it surfaces and DEMANDS to be felt. You’re feeling yours on the front end, so to speak...so on the other side you will have done your healing and growing and made yourself into a better mate for the next woman you date.

    Sorry you’re hurting...it’s a really tough time to be going through heartache. Glad you posted again and I hope you hear exactly what you need from the replies to follow in this thread!

    Good luck!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    22,922
    "So I let this girl go on Wednesday night. We had been talking for around 5 months. While I do think we have a lot of chemistry and potential, I ultimately turned her down and told her my heart wasn't in it anymore for the following reasons:
    She still lives with her ex who she broke up with in June. I honestly don't believe I am the rebound because she's had a thing for me ever since we met 4 years ago, and I do trust that she has not been messing around with him anymore. But he is extremely jealous of me and toxic (sometimes borderline psychotic) to her, and he doesn't allow me over. She says their relationship was toxic , that he was sexually harassing her. I told her from the beginning she should get out of there, but she just started trying to find a way out of the apartment only a few weeks ago. Her ex has been draining to both of us.
    We live an hour apart. I can't visit her 95% of the time because the ex is there, and she can't come visit me because she doesn't have a car. That hasn't made a good combination of things.
    Within a month of us talking about dating, she already decided she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. This made me uncomfortable, especially as someone who does not have any serious or long-term relationship experience. I've felt bad about holding this against her because she has had a crush on me for 4 years, and I know how easy it is to get overexcited with crushes. But she's really very confident in her intuition and thinks we would be amazing together.
    Seemed like all my close family, friends, and mentors were telling me it didn't seem like a good idea. Partly because it was stressing me the hell out, and they could see it in my whole demeanor.
    I've been in a big transition period in my life lately. Graduating college and leaving that freedom to live with my parents once again. Trying to get my foot in the door in the real world. I'm still trying to figure out the next steps as I enter into adult life. Thinking about a relationship where the other person is already down for marriage has been a bit overwhelming among all this."


    I am confused. It doesn't even sound like you dated. She was living with her ex bf and you and you had been talking all this time.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Posts
    51
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    I don’t have any advice other than the standard “stop following or looking at her social media and do total, absolute NC.”

    As far as encouragement goes...I would encourage you to keep looking for ways to grow and heal, as you say you have been. I see glimmers of your knowing of the truth in your post: of course she remembers you and in fact she would do anything to avoid the pain of your breakup. But we all know you can only defer pain for so long before it surfaces and DEMANDS to be felt. You’re feeling yours on the front end, so to speak...so on the other side you will have done your healing and growing and made yourself into a better mate for the next woman you date.

    Sorry you’re hurting...it’s a really tough time to be going through heartache. Glad you posted again and I hope you hear exactly what you need from the replies to follow in this thread!

    Good luck!
    Thank you for your reply. Since everything is so fresh, I really see no good in any of this. I've torn myself down every day saying I am the reason that everything is falling apart. But what I do know is that nearly everyone I asked to help give me guidance on the relationship said I should probably let her go. And it matched up with my gut feeling. So I know I need to make an effort to believe that this was for the best.

    The toxic thoughts lately have just been so crippling. I assume I know their relationship, and I assume the absolute worst. And I'm realizing I've placed my value far too much in what she thinks of me. I certainly have a long way to go, and I hope that I'll be better in the end by facing this heartbreak now rather than trying to mask it with a new relationship.

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Posts
    51
    Gender
    Male
    Well, looking back, I'm not sure why I phrased it like that. We were dating, though what I meant in the previous post is that we never put a label on it. We most certainly went on dates and were very romantically involved with one another. She was living with her ex all the way until I ended things in January, which is one of the reasons I let her go (I felt we were jumping into the same situation again). I think she finally got out of there in March, which means this new guy has not had to deal with the ex near as much as me (I'm quite envious about this -- why did she suddenly put in the effort to leave once I left?).

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    22,922
    How long did you date? How often did you see her?

  9. #8
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Posts
    51
    Gender
    Male
    We dated for about 5 months, starting in June 2019. We started dating right after I had graduated college. I was able to visit her more (around once every two weeks) compared to later because I had my apartment lease until the end of July. Once my apartment was gone, it was harder to visit each other, but in between we kept in contact through video calls and texting. Then over time it became harder and harder to see on another due to circumstances, going on to seeing each other once a month and after that even longer.

    TL;DR: At the beginning of the relationship, we got to visit each other around once every week/ two weeks. It eventually came down to seeing each other once a month, and it would've gone on to be even longer than that.

    This was my first serious relationship ever, for the record. This was deepest connection with someone I have ever made.
    Last edited by ArchieAnon; 04-08-2020 at 12:55 AM.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    10,514
    It doesn't sound like this relationship ever had a fighting chance, OP.

    She'd been dragging around too much baggage from her past, especially if she was still living with ex the whole time. Coupled with the fact that you couldn't see each other too much and never actually officially confirmed that you were a couple? That isn't the stuff of long-lasting, stable relationship. It was too complicated and I don't think her heart was in it anywhere near as much as she led you to believe. The grand promises she made you hold no water when she was still living under the same roof as her ex. She sounds like the immature type who is in love with the idea of love, and gets carried away with the fairy-tale rather than dealing with reality. Again, not someone you could hedge bets on. She wasn't going to grieve this as much as you, simply because her heart wasn't actually in line with yours anymore.

    You were right to end this. It likely stings that much more because it's your first real break-up and you thus have no frame of reference for how to deal with it. It does get easier, but you need to stop tormenting yourself with the thought of her and her new boyfriend. Block and delete her everywhere, on all social media. If she had been the right woman for you, you would not have needed to wade through all this drama to get to the good stuff. The drama and chaos were your signs that this was not a match.

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Posts
    51
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    It doesn't sound like this relationship ever had a fighting chance, OP.

    She'd been dragging around too much baggage from her past, especially if she was still living with ex the whole time. Coupled with the fact that you couldn't see each other too much and never actually officially confirmed that you were a couple? That isn't the stuff of long-lasting, stable relationship. It was too complicated and I don't think her heart was in it anywhere near as much as she led you to believe. The grand promises she made you hold no water when she was still living under the same roof as her ex. She sounds like the immature type who is in love with the idea of love, and gets carried away with the fairy-tale rather than dealing with reality. Again, not someone you could hedge bets on. She wasn't going to grieve this as much as you, simply because her heart wasn't actually in line with yours anymore.
    Thank you for this. It was my fault that we were not a confirmed couple -- I kept telling her I felt uncomfortable with the circumstances and the baggage and that it was not a good time for us (I realize now that this is silly because we were basically a couple without the label). She always said she was willing to wait until I felt ready and that circumstances are temporary.

    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    You were right to end this. It likely stings that much more because it's your first real break-up and you thus have no frame of reference for how to deal with it. It does get easier, but you need to stop tormenting yourself with the thought of her and her new boyfriend. Block and delete her everywhere, on all social media. If she had been the right woman for you, you would not have needed to wade through all this drama to get to the good stuff. The drama and chaos were your signs that this was not a match.
    I know I need to start making efforts to believe all this. All friends, family, and mentors support and reassure me of my decision, yet I still question it all and struggle with thoughts of what could have been. I think deep down I knew that, as you said, things weren't right between us, and that's why I had the gut feeling that I did. I just hope in time I will be able to look back and be relieved at this decision rather than thinking what if. And I sure hope I can make another connection like I did with her -- it was the most intimate relationship I have ever known. But perhaps I had that with the wrong person.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Videos


Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems

Friendship Between Men and Women Often Involves Attraction

Infidelity
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •