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can't get over this breakup (1+ years) and it's wrecking my life


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Posting here out of desperation because my inability to get over this breakup (nearly a year and a half ago) is sinking my entire life. My grief about this is so overwhelming I have twice been rejected for therapy following assessment; they kept saying I wasn’t in the right place for it but didn’t offer me any help in the meantime. I need to do something though. Time isn't helping. Being so 'no contact' I wouldn't know if he died isn't helping. Attempting to date other people isn't helping. I really don't want my life to be ruined by this relationship and breakup but it's very much going that direction.

 

Context because it might explain why I’m finding this so hard to come to terms with: Ex broke up with me nearly 18 months ago after 2 years on/off. I had lots of anxiety about losing him. Tried to bottle it up around him but it wrecked the first iteration of our relationship (I still can’t forgive myself for that). When we got back together a few months later, I coped by being the most chill and, in retrospect, didn’t ask for enough. Throughout our relationship, we were sexually enthralled with each other. We had the mutually acknowledged best sex of our lives—apparently much better than with his now gf— and part of me still has trouble believing he gave that up.

 

It emerged after another year that he had simultaneously been seeing someone else and that she had given him an ultimatum. He dramatically went back and forth between us a few times before settling on her for good. He made it clear that he was deciding between us about who to settle down with, that it had been a difficult decision, but he had to be practical and could only live with/marry/have children with one woman. (Two weeks before this he’d asked me what I thought it would be like if we got married and had a baby.) He seemed to have developed this tiresome good girl/bad girl, wife/mistress, Madonna/ thing with us. But it felt like he was giving her a future and condemning me to go through life alone (we’re at the age where these are make or break relationships: either you end up with someone and build a life or get left behind to go it all alone, without love or intimacy).

 

He initially didn't make moving on easy: he kept messaging me that he loved me. We met up to disentangle our lives and he kept touching me. Another meeting months later ended in bed—a result he’d apparently premeditated. He told me they were having boring sex and that he thought about me all the time. We met up a couple more times—him instigating and with predictable results.

 

He quickly confessed our dalliances to his girlfriend. They briefly broke up and got back together. He sent me a letter telling me that and that he was addicted to me. Asked me to never contact him again and blocked me everywhere.

 

And that’s it. It’s been months and months and I’m still blocked and he’s still reformed. It seems like the near loss of her was the shock he needed to stop cheating and fix other things in his life. I can’t imagine he’ll ever risk being in contact with me again. I love him so I genuinely want him to be happy and healthy, to not self-destruct again. But I am still drowning in grief over our breakup and over this seemingly great, committed, future-oriented relationship he nearly gave me and is now having with someone else. He’s treated me terribly but all in the service of preserving this relationship with her. He was capable of commitment and consistency all along. He strung us both along for years and then gave her a great relationship at the end of it. Part of me is just aghast that after everything, it's worked out for them.

 

I don’t know much about their lives (by design) but just the knowledge that they’re happily living together nearby rips me apart on a daily basis. It feels like somehow she got all my happiness—which maybe I could accept or at least understand if she were extraordinary. But she’s basic. I have fairly low self-esteem but she is like a less attractive, less intelligent version of me (we even look alike). Mutual friends told me she basically adopted his personality and his interests and worships him. He himself told me she was a "blank slate"! But I'm increasingly realising this is his forever relationship.

 

So his life is rushing away from me and I’m stranded in this out of date grief, staring at the void of his absence--because there’s nowhere else to look. Nothing has changed for me since the breakup; the universe hasn’t given me anything else good. I’m rarely attracted to or interested in anyone and haven’t been in the years since we met. I’m increasingly aware how rare that connection is and it seems it’s just never going to happen for me again. Every few months I scroll through dating apps with this growing nausea, sickened by what I have lost (and his gf has), what I’d have to settle with. I can never bring myself to meet people anymore. If I ever found someone I liked as much, the odds of him liking me back enough to commit to me the way ex has to his gf seem astronomical. I’m more likely to be struck by lightning.

 

So I’ve basically accepted I’ll never have another relationship. But with that comes with a whole other bottomless well of grief. In addition to him, I have to grieve this coupled life I thought I’d get, any children I thought I’d have, myself as a sexual being. I can’t imagine a moment in my life when I won’t be devastated by all this. I’ll be 60 and still wishing he had chosen differently.

 

I still think about him constantly; so much reminds me of him. I’m still jolting awake each morning, remembering the breakup with a surge of nausea. My thoughts and emotions about it haven’t evolved since the immediate frantic aftermath. I even had a near-death experience in the autumn and once the immediate fear and trauma subsided, I immediately went back to obsessing over him.

 

Nothing makes me feel better about it. I have spent this weekend pathetically sobbing about him, thinking about him, fantasising about him—while across town he and his girlfriend are supporting each other and having quarantine sex and leading a life that is 10,000x better than mine. I don’t know why I didn’t deserve that happiness and got this instead. I really need to come to terms with this and make do with the joy I can get but I feel poisoned by my unabated feelings for him and my memories and his perfect ing 'forever' relationship.

 

How do I make peace with this so it doesn't keep cannibalising me? It's practically all i think about.

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How do you get rejected for therapy? My understanding is you hire a therapist and they provide services in exchange for payment.

 

I do think it's vital you get into therapy. A former friend of mine was institutionalized after a breakup that happened in 1995! She didn't get the help she needed until nearly two decades after the breakup.

 

Please see if you can sign up for either online or text therapy.

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According to your original thread this has been over for over three years.

 

Please seek out another therapist. For some reason you are choosing to hold onto a relationship that has never been good.This guy sounds like he is was a real abusive POS. Did you grow up in this type of environment?

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You dont give up on therapy because you were rejected twice. How does that even happen?

 

Start calling local therapists and see what you can do about setting up an appt. with one, most likely online due to covid 19.

 

You need to be more pro active about sorting yourself out so you dont waste your entire life because of this guy.

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Different relationship.

 

I was rejected for therapy by the state healthcare system in my country and then by the low-cost private service they referred me to. No one has health insurance here and so you have to pay out of pocket for private therapy, which is very expensive and out of my reach at the moment. My only option is to somehow get into a better place with this myself and then try to get through the assessments again.

 

(sorry this is response to hollyj)

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You dont give up on therapy because you were rejected twice. How does that even happen?

 

Start calling local therapists and see what you can do about setting up an appt. with one, most likely online due to covid 19.

 

You need to be more pro active about sorting yourself out so you dont waste your entire life because of this guy.

 

As I explained in another reply, I was rejected by the state-run healthcare system and by the low-cost service they referred me to in the meantime. Both told me i wasn't in the right place emotionally for intensive therapy but didn't offer me any other services to try to reach a better state of mind. I have a diagnosis that means i probably need a very specific form of therapy (DBT) and that traditionally comes with lots of conditions. I need something to make me handle this better on my own before they'll accept me.

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How do you get rejected for therapy? My understanding is you hire a therapist and they provide services in exchange for payment.

 

I do think it's vital you get into therapy. A former friend of mine was institutionalized after a breakup that happened in 1995! She didn't get the help she needed until nearly two decades after the breakup.

 

Please see if you can sign up for either online or text therapy.

 

Unfortunately, it's not that simple. I need a specialised form of intensive therapy (based on a diagnosis I have) and it's commonly understood that you can't undertake it when you're extremely distressed or in a moment of crisis. Unfortunately, my crisis has been going on for nearly a year and a half... Private therapy is also prohibitively expensive in my home country and I'm very likely to be rejected from that too.

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Different relationship.

 

I was rejected for therapy by the state healthcare system in my country and then by the low-cost private service they referred me to. No one has health insurance here and so you have to pay out of pocket for private therapy, which is very expensive and out of my reach at the moment. My only option is to somehow get into a better place with this myself and then try to get through the assessments again.

 

(sorry this is response to hollyj)

 

Sorry, I thought it was the same guy. Was this guy also abusive?

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Sorry, I thought it was the same guy. Was this guy also abusive?

 

No, not abusive. Perhaps emotionally manipulative (you know, simultaneously dating two women at once and apparently being so tortured by his inability to decide between them) but I wouldn't classify that as abuse. In so many ways, it was much healthier than that previous relationship and for like a year I felt like I'd gone through hell to come out and meet him and finally get to be happy.

 

Sometimes I feel like trauma from that abusive relationship is what fuelled the anxiety that wrecked the first iteration of this relationship. Former partner 1 basically got what he wanted: destroyed any other relationship I'd have and ensured I'd be alone forever.

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This guy is a real POW. I don't understand what either of you see in him? He treated you terribly?

 

Have you blocked this guy?

 

I am curious as to what your childhood was like? Do you have friends and an active social life??

 

Yes, he treated us both terribly, but was always dangling this committed, secure relationship in front of us. And then he gave it to her. I think a lot of my grief emanates from that: that he judged her good enough to have that, that she won this direct matchup between us, that it could have been me, that he was capable of treating someone well all along.

 

No need to block him. He has blocked me on every messaging and social media platform and I would be shocked if he undid that. (I've never attempted to contact him, but you can see if you've been blocked.)

 

My childhood is a long, involved story but I basically raised myself because my parents were preoccupied with illness, other children, poverty. It made me very independent and self-reliant but also seemingly created this desperate, unfufilled ache for security and love. I do have friends but they're all coupled up and I constantly feel like an extraneous person and like our lives are out of sync. Fairly active social life, but mostly within a tight circle of friends.

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I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. You are not being left behind. You"re not destined to be alone. They're relationship is not perfect. She did not get the life you should have had. You're giving them so much power by imagining their life is so great.

 

He is not better than you. He is not living some great quarantine romance novel lifestyle. People generally treat all their partners the same. If a guy jerks you around, he jerks all his girlfriends around. He didnt really care about either of you.

 

How pathetic is it for a guy to have a gf, but cheat with and then send you a letter that he's addicted to you. Come on, now, is that loving the other girl?

 

No. its not. He's not a good guy. He's a selfish guy that does whatever is best for him. I know its easy to blame yourself and think its all happy go lucky for them... but its not.

 

Life for everyone is challenging at times. Whether you have a partner or not doesn't shield you from the BS life can throw at you.

 

I know all of this is easy for me to say as an outsider, but you need to believe in yourself more, focus on your own life more... How can you do that?

 

Well, you can start by taking better care of yourself. And by that I mean, try not to be so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break. Keep trying to find a therapist. And start working on yourself until you do.

 

What can you start doing that can help you feel better about yourself? Do you exercise?

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I'm very sorry for all this emotional turmoil. Hard on any given, and probably harder on days like these in the world. Can I ask how old you are? It might help with some context in terms of understanding this.

 

I wish I had the answer to how to turn off the switch, particularly given all you're describing. From these seats, you're painting a portrait of what sounds like a pretty lousy dude, minus the part where the sex was good. I can't help but get the feeling, reading your words, that part of the reason you're still so strung out on this is because the relationship itself kind of strung you out—that, in short, you're kind of conditioned to seek the very feeling you're here asking for help in not feeling.

 

Make sense? It's like you're recreating the drama you had with him—drama being a very different thing than depth—in order to keep "feeling" those feelings. Doubly frustrating, all that, since it's dancing with a ghost, or with yourself, since at this point "he" is really just an idea more than a person. Wonder if you can find a way to kind of see all that—that this is self-generated as much as him-generated—and, with that, see it all as less mysterious.

 

Quick question: What are two moments, that have nothing to do with him or men, when you have experienced joy over the past year?

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I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. You are not being left behind. You"re not destined to be alone. They're relationship is not perfect. She did not get the life you should have had. You're giving them so much power by imagining their life is so great.

 

He is not better than you. He is not living some great quarantine romance novel lifestyle. People generally treat all their partners the same. If a guy jerks you around, he jerks all his girlfriends around. He didnt really care about either of you.

 

How pathetic is it for a guy to have a gf, but cheat with and then send you a letter that he's addicted to you. Come on, now, is that loving the other girl?

 

No. its not. He's not a good guy. He's a selfish guy that does whatever is best for him. I know its easy to blame yourself and think its all happy go lucky for them... but its not.

 

Life for everyone is challenging at times. Whether you have a partner or not doesn't shield you from the BS life can throw at you.

 

I know all of this is easy for me to say as an outsider, but you need to believe in yourself more, focus on your own life more... How can you do that?

 

Well, you can start by taking better care of yourself. And by that I mean, try not to be so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break. Keep trying to find a therapist. And start working on yourself until you do.

 

What can you start doing that can help you feel better about yourself? Do you exercise?

 

Thanks for this. It's genuinely helpful.

 

I know their life isn't perfect or even great. But it's certainly better than mine or anything I can possibly achieve. Since we broke up, I can and have travelled, seen friends, set goals and met them, and achieved things in my career, but all relentlessly alone. Those things seem so hollow in comparison to the vivid, life-defining relationship they get to enjoy. I just don't know how I'm ever going to convince myself that time their coupled, cohabitating life isn't miles better than my lonely, celibate one. And while that's true, I can't stop pathetically fixating on their lives, even though I know I'll never see him again and he doesn't ever think about me anymore.

 

Ditto his redemption. Their relationship was obviously compromised from the start: who has to give their boyfriend an ultimatum to stop seeing someone else? Who forgives him for cheating multiple times? But now I do genuinely believe he's turned his life around and treats her well and is fully committed to the relationship. His absolute silence to me for months and months proves that. Somehow they're going the distance and I shouldn't care but because it was a choice between us and he erased me and cut me out of his life entirely in order to have this relationship, I really, really do.

 

I walk all the time, which I think counts as exercise. Already thin so don't need to lose weight. I have lots of goals and projects and work on them all the time but I don't think even achieving them will give me happiness that can compare to theirs or anything I might have had. I like myself and I like what I've achieved, but it's not enough. Sorry this sounds defeatist. I really don't know what to do at this point. I have tried so hard to make do with how my life is--I have basically exhausted myself trying--but I'm struck that no one else in my life is having to 'make do.'

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Thanks for this. It's genuinely helpful.

 

I know their life isn't perfect or even great. But it's certainly better than mine or anything I can possibly achieve. Since we broke up, I can and have travelled, seen friends, set goals and met them, and achieved things in my career, but all relentlessly alone. Those things seem so hollow in comparison to the vivid, life-defining relationship they get to enjoy. I just don't know how I'm ever going to convince myself that time their coupled, cohabitating life isn't miles better than my lonely, celibate one. And while that's true, I can't stop pathetically fixating on their lives, even though I know I'll never see him again and he doesn't ever think about me anymore.

 

Ditto his redemption. Their relationship was obviously compromised from the start: who has to give their boyfriend an ultimatum to stop seeing someone else? Who forgives him for cheating multiple times? But now I do genuinely believe he's turned his life around and treats her well and is fully committed to the relationship. His absolute silence to me for months and months proves that. Somehow they're going the distance and I shouldn't care but because it was a choice between us and he erased me and cut me out of his life entirely in order to have this relationship, I really, really do.

 

I walk all the time, which I think counts as exercise. Already thin so don't need to lose weight. I have lots of goals and projects and work on them all the time but I don't think even achieving them will give me happiness that can compare to theirs or anything I might have had. I like myself and I like what I've achieved, but it's not enough. Sorry this sounds defeatist. I really don't know what to do at this point. I have tried so hard to make do with how my life is--I have basically exhausted myself trying--but I'm struck that no one else in my life is having to 'make do.'

It is a very defeatist attitude. Which is hard for anyone but you to change. One thought at a time.

 

One thing you said above, about their relationship defining their life. I have to tell you, that is so stupid and wrong to think! lol! No offense but I feel sorry for anyone that is defined by one thing. especially a romantic relationship! Life is a garden, not one rose...

 

Have you ever watched a lifetime movie? perfect life and then, BAM! Maybe lifetime is an exaggeration but, I've seen many and I've been a part of a "perfect couple" its all B.S. No one lives like that.

 

This a bad time around world. We have no idea what will happen and the impact its having... but no worries... whatever they are doing or not doing, they have their own challenges. No one has it so great.

 

You're feeding your sadness and grief with more sadness. At the end of the day, it comes down to this- bad times don't last. You just gotta be strong. One guy. One great guy is all its gonna take.

 

What about that? What about opening your heart and thoughts to receiving love. start with all kinds of love. Love from your family and friends and then sharing that love. Focusing more on what you can do to love your people. And if that's not enough how about volunteering (when this quarentine situation ends) Be a source of love for yourself. What can you do for others?

 

Then there is a whole side of this equation that you are not even considering! a whole new man!

 

What are you looking for in a man? Wouldn't it feel good to find someone who NEVER hurt you, someone who doesnt need redemption because he's got a good heart and would never hurt you? Think about that and just breathe.... It is possible.

 

You just have to believe in your future and yourself. Its a stretch from where you are right now, but that's on you and what you need to focus on...

 

We've all been hurt and knocked down, but you gotta get back up. He turned his back on you, but don't turn your back on yourself!

 

You deserve romance and love. Don't let sadness stop you from dreaming. Don't let the story end here. Be the biggest comeback. We all love to see someone who got screwed over finally win! And there's no reason that cant be you.

 

You just have to be strong... it will only take one. one great guy! he's looking for you, too. [emoji173]

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Those things seem so hollow in comparison to the vivid, life-defining relationship they get to enjoy.

 

Putting the specifics aside, I'm curious: Do you think, generally, that other people have it better than you? That life is easier for them? Are you prone to viewing other people as competition in a rigged game?

 

I ask not out of judgement, but because I'm just trying to understand how much your mode of thinking about all this mirrors a larger mode of thinking.

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I'm very sorry for all this emotional turmoil. Hard on any given, and probably harder on days like these in the world. Can I ask how old you are? It might help with some context in terms of understanding this.

 

I wish I had the answer to how to turn off the switch, particularly given all you're describing. From these seats, you're painting a portrait of what sounds like a pretty lousy dude, minus the part where the sex was good. I can't help but get the feeling, reading your words, that part of the reason you're still so strung out on this is because the relationship itself kind of strung you out—that, in short, you're kind of conditioned to seek the very feeling you're here asking for help in not feeling.

 

Make sense? It's like you're recreating the drama you had with him—drama being a very different thing than depth—in order to keep "feeling" those feelings. Doubly frustrating, all that, since it's dancing with a ghost, or with yourself, since at this point "he" is really just an idea more than a person. Wonder if you can find a way to kind of see all that—that this is self-generated as much as him-generated—and, with that, see it all as less mysterious.

 

Quick question: What are two moments, that have nothing to do with him or men, when you have experienced joy over the past year?

 

Missed this--sorry! I'm very early 30s.

 

And yes that does make sense. The relationship had so many backs and forths and involved lots of pining for me (for more commitment, for him to grow up), so in some ways the breakup has just been a continuation of those feelings, albeit now without any further imput from him. (Of course it's excrutiating, because he made someone else pine too and then became everything she always wanted.)

 

I genuinely don't think I have experienced much joy over the last year. I can't think of a single moment of pure joy. There's been relief and faint happiness and some pleasant times but so much of it has been tainted with grief. I recently looked back at some dairies from before the breakup and I was practically a different person: I enjoyed things, I had hope for the future, everything I did wasn't weighted with this endless sadness. I just want this overwhelming sadness to go so I can learn to be content with my life as it is.

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Putting the specifics aside, I'm curious: Do you think, generally, that other people have it better than you? That life is easier for them? Are you prone to viewing other people as competition in a rigged game?

 

I ask not out of judgement, but because I'm just trying to understand how much your mode of thinking about all this mirrors a larger mode of thinking.

 

Other don't have it better than me in everything. I have lots of gifts and have had some wonderful experiences (mostly in the past). But there's been a lot of misfortune and terrible experiences too. I either feel very unlucky, or endlessly question the role I've played in some of these misfortunes/what I did to deserve them.

 

And the thing I feel most unlucky in is that I never ended up with a partner, that my 'big relationship'--the one with the most feeling and that came at the time when people settle down-- turned out like this. I know other people struggle too, but I do think it's easier to weather hard times with someone who loves you and supports you and has entwined their life with yours. Eg. I had a truly terrifying, traumatising experience in the autumn and while friends were supportive, I didn't have anyone to fall back on. There was just me. No one to do the profound things like hold me and no one to do the practical things like run errands. The good times are better with someone to share them with too. So yes, I do think most people with life partners have it better than me and their lives are easier.

 

I think I'll always be sad about that lack and wish my life had turned out differently. When I did have a bit of therapy, we talked about that sadness as a long-term grieving process--something you never stop being sad about but learn to manage/ shrink so it doesn't take up so much of your life. I'm trying to manage it right now.

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