Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 35

Thread: can't get over this breakup (1+ years) and it's wrecking my life

  1. #11
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Posts
    15
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Sorry, I thought it was the same guy. Was this guy also abusive?
    No, not abusive. Perhaps emotionally manipulative (you know, simultaneously dating two women at once and apparently being so tortured by his inability to decide between them) but I wouldn't classify that as abuse. In so many ways, it was much healthier than that previous relationship and for like a year I felt like I'd gone through hell to come out and meet him and finally get to be happy.

    Sometimes I feel like trauma from that abusive relationship is what fuelled the anxiety that wrecked the first iteration of this relationship. Former partner 1 basically got what he wanted: destroyed any other relationship I'd have and ensured I'd be alone forever. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    22,805
    You are choosing terrible men. They were both emotionally abusive.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    13,946
    I don't know about abusive, but he certainly treated you poorly. What an ego on that guy!

    He's not worthy of a minute of your thoughts. But a therapist or counselor can help you to learn how to redirect your ruminations.

  4. #14
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Posts
    15
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    This guy is a real POW. I don't understand what either of you see in him? He treated you terribly?

    Have you blocked this guy?

    I am curious as to what your childhood was like? Do you have friends and an active social life??
    Yes, he treated us both terribly, but was always dangling this committed, secure relationship in front of us. And then he gave it to her. I think a lot of my grief emanates from that: that he judged her good enough to have that, that she won this direct matchup between us, that it could have been me, that he was capable of treating someone well all along.

    No need to block him. He has blocked me on every messaging and social media platform and I would be shocked if he undid that. (I've never attempted to contact him, but you can see if you've been blocked.)

    My childhood is a long, involved story but I basically raised myself because my parents were preoccupied with illness, other children, poverty. It made me very independent and self-reliant but also seemingly created this desperate, unfufilled ache for security and love. I do have friends but they're all coupled up and I constantly feel like an extraneous person and like our lives are out of sync. Fairly active social life, but mostly within a tight circle of friends.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    22,805
    This guy is no prize.

    You are looking for security and love, but choosing people that would never give it to you.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,698
    I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. You are not being left behind. You"re not destined to be alone. They're relationship is not perfect. She did not get the life you should have had. You're giving them so much power by imagining their life is so great.

    He is not better than you. He is not living some great quarantine romance novel lifestyle. People generally treat all their partners the same. If a guy jerks you around, he jerks all his girlfriends around. He didnt really care about either of you.

    How pathetic is it for a guy to have a gf, but cheat with and then send you a letter that he's addicted to you. Come on, now, is that loving the other girl?

    No. its not. He's not a good guy. He's a selfish guy that does whatever is best for him. I know its easy to blame yourself and think its all happy go lucky for them... but its not.

    Life for everyone is challenging at times. Whether you have a partner or not doesn't shield you from the BS life can throw at you.

    I know all of this is easy for me to say as an outsider, but you need to believe in yourself more, focus on your own life more... How can you do that?

    Well, you can start by taking better care of yourself. And by that I mean, try not to be so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break. Keep trying to find a therapist. And start working on yourself until you do.

    What can you start doing that can help you feel better about yourself? Do you exercise?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,552
    Gender
    Male
    I'm very sorry for all this emotional turmoil. Hard on any given, and probably harder on days like these in the world. Can I ask how old you are? It might help with some context in terms of understanding this.

    I wish I had the answer to how to turn off the switch, particularly given all you're describing. From these seats, you're painting a portrait of what sounds like a pretty lousy dude, minus the part where the sex was good. I can't help but get the feeling, reading your words, that part of the reason you're still so strung out on this is because the relationship itself kind of strung you out—that, in short, you're kind of conditioned to seek the very feeling you're here asking for help in not feeling.

    Make sense? It's like you're recreating the drama you had with him—drama being a very different thing than depth—in order to keep "feeling" those feelings. Doubly frustrating, all that, since it's dancing with a ghost, or with yourself, since at this point "he" is really just an idea more than a person. Wonder if you can find a way to kind of see all that—that this is self-generated as much as him-generated—and, with that, see it all as less mysterious.

    Quick question: What are two moments, that have nothing to do with him or men, when you have experienced joy over the past year?

  9. #18
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    California
    Age
    43
    Posts
    579
    Gender
    Male
    OP, the medically diagnosed issue that you mentioned? Is that being managed properly in and of itself? If there is a shortcoming in the treatment of that condition it could be the underlying cause for other issues?

  10. #19
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Posts
    15
    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. You are not being left behind. You"re not destined to be alone. They're relationship is not perfect. She did not get the life you should have had. You're giving them so much power by imagining their life is so great.

    He is not better than you. He is not living some great quarantine romance novel lifestyle. People generally treat all their partners the same. If a guy jerks you around, he jerks all his girlfriends around. He didnt really care about either of you.

    How pathetic is it for a guy to have a gf, but cheat with and then send you a letter that he's addicted to you. Come on, now, is that loving the other girl?

    No. its not. He's not a good guy. He's a selfish guy that does whatever is best for him. I know its easy to blame yourself and think its all happy go lucky for them... but its not.

    Life for everyone is challenging at times. Whether you have a partner or not doesn't shield you from the BS life can throw at you.

    I know all of this is easy for me to say as an outsider, but you need to believe in yourself more, focus on your own life more... How can you do that?

    Well, you can start by taking better care of yourself. And by that I mean, try not to be so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break. Keep trying to find a therapist. And start working on yourself until you do.

    What can you start doing that can help you feel better about yourself? Do you exercise?
    Thanks for this. It's genuinely helpful.

    I know their life isn't perfect or even great. But it's certainly better than mine or anything I can possibly achieve. Since we broke up, I can and have travelled, seen friends, set goals and met them, and achieved things in my career, but all relentlessly alone. Those things seem so hollow in comparison to the vivid, life-defining relationship they get to enjoy. I just don't know how I'm ever going to convince myself that time their coupled, cohabitating life isn't miles better than my lonely, celibate one. And while that's true, I can't stop pathetically fixating on their lives, even though I know I'll never see him again and he doesn't ever think about me anymore.

    Ditto his redemption. Their relationship was obviously compromised from the start: who has to give their boyfriend an ultimatum to stop seeing someone else? Who forgives him for cheating multiple times? But now I do genuinely believe he's turned his life around and treats her well and is fully committed to the relationship. His absolute silence to me for months and months proves that. Somehow they're going the distance and I shouldn't care but because it was a choice between us and he erased me and cut me out of his life entirely in order to have this relationship, I really, really do.

    I walk all the time, which I think counts as exercise. Already thin so don't need to lose weight. I have lots of goals and projects and work on them all the time but I don't think even achieving them will give me happiness that can compare to theirs or anything I might have had. I like myself and I like what I've achieved, but it's not enough. Sorry this sounds defeatist. I really don't know what to do at this point. I have tried so hard to make do with how my life is--I have basically exhausted myself trying--but I'm struck that no one else in my life is having to 'make do.'

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,698
    Originally Posted by kaninchen
    Thanks for this. It's genuinely helpful.

    I know their life isn't perfect or even great. But it's certainly better than mine or anything I can possibly achieve. Since we broke up, I can and have travelled, seen friends, set goals and met them, and achieved things in my career, but all relentlessly alone. Those things seem so hollow in comparison to the vivid, life-defining relationship they get to enjoy. I just don't know how I'm ever going to convince myself that time their coupled, cohabitating life isn't miles better than my lonely, celibate one. And while that's true, I can't stop pathetically fixating on their lives, even though I know I'll never see him again and he doesn't ever think about me anymore.

    Ditto his redemption. Their relationship was obviously compromised from the start: who has to give their boyfriend an ultimatum to stop seeing someone else? Who forgives him for cheating multiple times? But now I do genuinely believe he's turned his life around and treats her well and is fully committed to the relationship. His absolute silence to me for months and months proves that. Somehow they're going the distance and I shouldn't care but because it was a choice between us and he erased me and cut me out of his life entirely in order to have this relationship, I really, really do.

    I walk all the time, which I think counts as exercise. Already thin so don't need to lose weight. I have lots of goals and projects and work on them all the time but I don't think even achieving them will give me happiness that can compare to theirs or anything I might have had. I like myself and I like what I've achieved, but it's not enough. Sorry this sounds defeatist. I really don't know what to do at this point. I have tried so hard to make do with how my life is--I have basically exhausted myself trying--but I'm struck that no one else in my life is having to 'make do.'
    It is a very defeatist attitude. Which is hard for anyone but you to change. One thought at a time.

    One thing you said above, about their relationship defining their life. I have to tell you, that is so stupid and wrong to think! lol! No offense but I feel sorry for anyone that is defined by one thing. especially a romantic relationship! Life is a garden, not one rose...

    Have you ever watched a lifetime movie? perfect life and then, BAM! Maybe lifetime is an exaggeration but, I've seen many and I've been a part of a "perfect couple" its all B.S. No one lives like that.

    This a bad time around world. We have no idea what will happen and the impact its having... but no worries... whatever they are doing or not doing, they have their own challenges. No one has it so great.

    You're feeding your sadness and grief with more sadness. At the end of the day, it comes down to this- bad times don't last. You just gotta be strong. One guy. One great guy is all its gonna take.

    What about that? What about opening your heart and thoughts to receiving love. start with all kinds of love. Love from your family and friends and then sharing that love. Focusing more on what you can do to love your people. And if that's not enough how about volunteering (when this quarentine situation ends) Be a source of love for yourself. What can you do for others?

    Then there is a whole side of this equation that you are not even considering! a whole new man!

    What are you looking for in a man? Wouldn't it feel good to find someone who NEVER hurt you, someone who doesnt need redemption because he's got a good heart and would never hurt you? Think about that and just breathe.... It is possible.

    You just have to believe in your future and yourself. Its a stretch from where you are right now, but that's on you and what you need to focus on...

    We've all been hurt and knocked down, but you gotta get back up. He turned his back on you, but don't turn your back on yourself!

    You deserve romance and love. Don't let sadness stop you from dreaming. Don't let the story end here. Be the biggest comeback. We all love to see someone who got screwed over finally win! And there's no reason that cant be you.

    You just have to be strong... it will only take one. one great guy! he's looking for you, too.

Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast

Videos


What Does Betrayal Do To Relationships?

What Is Good To Know About The First Date

Online Dating Websites Most Frequently Used By Older Adults

Blogging Helps New Moms Handle Parental Stress

What Do Men And Women Want In A Relationship?

Benefits Of Online Education
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •