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Thread: I'm Not Okay Not Looking For A New Relationship

  1. #1
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    I'm Not Okay Not Looking For A New Relationship

    Hello everyone. I'm a 26 year old male. I'm not sure if this is going to make sense to anyone, and really it doesn't make sense to me either. But I know I absolutely need help.

    Basically, for my entire life, I have been searching for the right woman, to have a long-term relationship with. I always felt that real love and a happy/healthy relationship was the one missing piece in my life that would make me feel completely happy with myself. I've had relationships with 8 different women before, most of them were happy relationships, but not very long-term, as they all failed to last about 7 months or so. I decided after my most recent relationship, which ended well over a month ago now, to finally take some time and focus on myself. I deleted all of my online dating apps, all social media (except twitter which I use for news) The problem is, I literally never did this willingly before. Pretty much, since middle school, all I did was either try and find that relationship, the one that lasts for what I hoped to be an eternity, or be in a relationship that I thought had potential. There were times where I probably was desperate, honestly. Whether it was in school, online dating apps, wherever, I would always hope to try to find that one person that I would make a connection with and hopefully begin to build a long-term relationship with. I thought that a happy and healthy relationship was the key to real happiness for myself. When I was in a relationship, I felt completely fine and happy, no worries at all. Heck, even when I was just talking to a new female, or even just looking on an online dating app or something, I was always feeling completely fine, none of these issues (that I will describe below) at all, because I knew what I was looking for, I had a goal in mind and I was going to do whatever it took to reach that goal, no matter how long it took, of finding that right woman for myself, and finally truly be happy.

    Now, like I said, I decided I was going to take time to focus on myself for awhile, and wow, let me tell you, it's not going well at all. Couldn't be worse, honestly. I've learned that I'm simply not okay when I'm willingly alone. It's been just over a month of not talking to pretty much anyone outside of a close group of 3 friends, and my parents. I'm experiencing crazy anxiety, OCD, intrusive thoughts, I feel violated (I don't know why) confused, insecure, I'm questioning literally everything (including my own sexuality which I know I'm 100% straight, and I'm sure of it, but I still question the possibility of what if I wasn't, even though I know I'm definitely straight. It's like H-OCD, but I can somewhat stop those thoughts temporarily when I know they are coming)
    I find myself extremely bored out of my mind during this stay-at-home initiative here we have in New Jersey with the Coronavirus going around, I find myself not feeling worthy to even think someone would want to date me at this state I'm in, and especially at a time like this where we can't even go anywhere or do anything, I feel like I'm really just losing my mind. I'm somewhat able to control the intrusive thoughts, well when they start to come I'm aware they are just thoughts and I let them be, I don't fight them, but they never truly go away, they only go to the back of my mind and eventually come back to focus, and it's like a repeating cycle. (To keep the thoughts away I treat it like a food I don't like, I say like I dont like _ and it goes away temporarily. I also dont put meaning on the thoughts because they are just thoughts and don't mean anything to me)

    I know I want a relationship with a woman, that leads to engagement, a wife, and kids, a family, I know for a fact that's what I want in life, more than anything in the world. I want it too much, honestly, and I'm scared that because I'm not looking and the state I'm in right now, I won't be able to find it. I'm currently seeing a therapist, but she hasn't been much help yet, though it's only been two appointments though, I'm still holding out hope

    People close to me would always tell me, "you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else" and when it was said this way, that never made sense, until now. Recently, I read something online that is basically exactly what was said here, but in a different way. Basically, it said "love doesn't fill a void in yourself, you have to find something else that fills that void and be completely happy with yourself to love someone." That's when something clicked. It made me feel better inside, knowing this is the right mindset for the long-term, but in the short term, it made me feel worse, because for literally my entire life I thought that real love was the one missing piece to be happy. If it's not love that's my one missing piece, then what could it possibly be? The other night, I came up with possible solutions, and I basically narrowed it down to my dream job, which is a technical director in tv production. I absolutely loved doing this when I was back in college, it was my favorite thing to do, I did it as often as I could. It's been 3 years since then, and It's an extremely hard job to land. And if I don't get that job, I'm happy with what I have, but its not very fulfilling, super slow paced. I'm happy to have multiple jobs in my field for sure, but not the most ideal job that I wanted.

    I guess I'm just writing to you all to find out why do I feel violated in a situation like this, why can't I just accept being alone, and be happy with myself? why I fear being alone in general? is there a way to permanently keep these intrusive thoughts away, instead of only temporarily? I didn't always feel this way, and I know this won't last, so I know there's a way out of this, I just don't know how to get back there.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I'm sorry if I sound like a crazy, irrational person here (I know I do) but I'm just trying to figure this all out, because I'm just lost.. Thank you!
    Last edited by JCDallas; 03-28-2020 at 07:34 PM.

  2. #2
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Itís only been a month.

    Give yourself time and hold your line...you sound like somebody who has made a healthy decision to make some fundamental changes to his life. That is always accompanied by discomfort and fear. You are on a heroís quest now, and those are fraught with dragons to be slayed.

    There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.

    I admire your style and I wish you luck - keep posting here, keep seeing your therapist, perhaps look into free support groups such as SLAA?

    Best wishes!!

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    That's the crazy thing, It's literally been a month and 10 days and I'm already feeling like this.. Yeah, these changes are definitely fearful, and I'm very new at all this and trying to find a way to deal with them better.. I tried a site called 7 cups along with my therapist but 7 cups didn't really help all that much honestly. Maybe this one that you suggested could. Thanks for your advice! Any more advice is greatly appreciated!

  4. #4
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    SLAA is usually in person, but likely being held via zoom right now during the age of Corona. Seriously man, google Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous and just evaluate it with an open mind. Itís designed for people who have gone through exactly what you are describing and have found a common solution. Itís free.

    Good luck, friend!

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Keep looking for places so you can move out of your parents house and they stop being excessively involved in your dating life.

    My advice remains the same: [Register to see the link]

  7. #6
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    I had a sudden realization of one of the things that makes me happy this morning, and I'm feeling a little better. I'm not sure if it's everything I need to be happy, though..

    What makes me happy is seeing other people happy because of something that either I did, or a team I was a part of did, and really feeling appreciated because of it. It's the reason why I love making people laugh, I love seeing people happy, I just love the feeling of being appreciated and impacting someone's life for even just a moment or two, and seeing them smile. And when I was either looking for a girlfriend or had a girlfriend, I would always do my best to make them smile because their happiness was what made me happy. I guess I Just haven't felt happy lately because I haven't felt appreciated or felt like I really made anyone happy lately, and I never looked at it this way before.. And my jobs are jobs that I like and can make people happy (I work for Disney Plus, their Quality Control) and I realized I do make people happy every day I work by ensuring the content on disney plus is great and ready to be uploaded to the service. I realized it's why I stream on twitch, to make people laugh, it makes sense to me now, but I never looked at it this way. I need to find a way to always have this feeling of making others happy, because that's what drives me, and I never realized it until maybe 20 minutes ago. Like a light bulb went on in my head.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I am all for love yourself and all... We all need to find a way to be ok alone because that strength helps you maintain the boundaries that protect you from abuse.

    But its ok to want a relationship and to work on finding a good one.

    Right now, with the corona pandemic keeping us home, its the perfect time to work on yourself. What else can you do?

    Hold on until this over...do what you can to boost your own self esteem and when this is over, you'll meet someone. keep the faith. Do your best to stay safe and protect others, that's everyone's job right now.

    Be strong. Bad times don't last.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I guess I'm just writing to you all to find out why do I feel violated in a situation like this, why can't I just accept being alone, and be happy with myself? why I fear being alone in general? is there a way to permanently keep these intrusive thoughts away, instead of only temporarily? I didn't always feel this way, and I know this won't last, so I know there's a way out of this, I just don't know how to get back there.
    Well, if there were ever a good time to resolve this, it's now, because you're not 'missing out' on anything that everyone else isn't missing to whatever degree. It's not like some big life party is spinning without you being invited to it.

    One idea I've found most helpful is that nobody else can give to us what we won't give to ourselves. That means nobody else can 'bring' us happiness, they can only help to amplify our own state--whatever that is. So if we deprive ourselves of acceptance, self love, private fulfillment in career or other interests, friendships, even sex--then latching onto another will only run its course as a distraction.

    Healthy and fulfilled people seek other healthy and fulfilled people. That doesn't mean 'perfect' people, it just means that we tend to gravitate toward our own level of self worth. If you degrade your own value, you'll attract others in the same state regardless of the label they put on it, and then two incomplete people try to join but end up in power struggles over who's needs aren't being fulfilled.

    Skip that, focus on learning how to be your own best friend and coach, and learn over time how to find someone who resonates with you on higher ground.

    It's a tough time for everyone, so work in your own favor instead of against yourself.

    Head high.


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