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Thread: Wheres the line between flirting & cheating

  1. #1

    Wheres the line between flirting & cheating

    Hello all I have read some of your unfortunate situations you are in & you have all received some amazing advice but now I am in need of all your advice please . I am sorry if this maybe a long post but will try and be as clear as i can regarding the situation I am in. I have been with my wife for over 20 years and we got together young we have 3 grown children which 2 have moved out our home. I wont say our relationship has always been perfect but has had its ups and downs but I have always been the bread winner and worked to provide the best I can for our family even having to work away at times.
    My wife took over a bar recently and I still help there at times too as well as working full time too with cleaning bar work etc & have always supported her in everything she has ever wanted to do the best I can . We have cameras fitted throughout now where I can watch from home and on this certain night in question to my horror i had to watch this unfold in front of my eyes.. She had a few drinks with the regulars and a few others who i thought were mutual friends i seen her aiming her attention to one particular man who i know is single and has a bit of a reputation as she also knows . It started with her dancing with him rubbing herself up against him then grabbing him from behind , then went onto every single time she walked past him when she had to go behind the bar etc she was groping his bum then went to stand beside him where they started to cuddle and shared a kiss then stood arms around each other in front of everyone i think she forgot about the cameras after the drinks she had as after she lent over to talk to someone i seen him grope her bum on 2 occasions then they shared some sweet whispers and she looked up noticed the cameras then turned them off ?.. that's when i rang asking what the hell is going on ! and I am on my way down I wonder how far it would have gone on if i didn't ring or she realise the cameras were recording. She did this all with no thought or wether there would be any come backs from it. Am I just a mug the stay at home reliable bloke who cleans up around the home etc after work which i don't mind but our children have seen some of the footage now what example am i setting to them if i do nothing about this ?
    She denied it to begin with saying that there was no kiss etc but when i shown her the footage she said it was just flirting because she had a drink and there is nothing to it.
    I cannot stand her to touch me at the moment or really to be near her I am struggling to sleep as all I see is those 2 on the footage I really don't know what to do as I feel out of sight , out of mind came into play that night and am never going to be able to trust her ever again she says i'm acting like she has cheated .. but where do you draw the line between flirting & cheating ?

    Thank you all for taking the time to read this
    Last edited by MrDontknow; 03-28-2020 at 11:31 AM.

  2. #2
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    OMG, your wife most definitely cross the line. That is NOT acceptable, nor appropriate, behaviour from a married woman no matter how you look at it. No excuses, whether she had a few drinks or not. It is wrong on so many levels. IMHO, her behaviour was just disgusting. She showed total disrespect towards you. I am so sorry that she did this to you and I don't blame you for feeling the way that you do. Your wife should know about boundaries by now. I hope you can work this out with her.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    This is not harmless flirting. You know it, and so does she.

    They're also comfortable enough to do this in front of other people to make me wonder if this isn't the first time they've crossed that line. Regardless, you two really need to have a serious talk about boundaries, but also the state of your marriage in general. Something is evidently quite wrong under the surface here.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Sorry to hear this. You need a sit down talk and marriage therapy to help sort this out.

    Why are your kids viewing this?
    Originally Posted by MrDontknow
    we have 3 grown children which 2 have moved out our home. our children have seen some of the footage


  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    If they were horizontal, they'd be having sex.

    It's not too far of a stretch from how far both of them have gone.

    Speak to a divorce lawyer or go for marriage counselling if you're determined to save your marriage, but I personally would end it.
    She has absolutely no respect for you or for your marriage.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    I am sorry, but your wife is clearly cheating on you. If she is doing this in front of others, then I am assuming this has gone much further.

    You need to speak to an attorney, and end the marriage.

    I do not understand why the kids were brought into this?

  8. #7
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Oh man, Iím really sorry for you and REALLY sorry that your children had to see that footage.

    Her behavior is cheating in my opinion, but nothing happens in a vacuum so if you want to try to save the marriage I think joint counseling is your only hope. If you wanted to leave I donít think anybody could blame you.

    Ouch. Again, sorry...

  9. #8
    Thank you all for your replies. I have put things into place to move out but am cautious of taking the next step & leaving our family home and everything I built it up to be behind ... our children are all young 20's and have access to cameras and after they heard what was going on 2 decided to have a quick look for themselves my eldest was disgusted the same as me but my young daughter sided with her mum I wish they didn't see it but are all young adults and have always raised them to be honest ans to have an opinion etc . I feel so betrayed and everytime i look at her now i feel disgust ans hatred! i felt it was classed as cheating ans i could never step foot in that place again .. I feel such a mug !

  10. #9
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    How did they "hear" what was going on? Did you and your wife discuss this within earshot of your children?

    And yes, that is cheating. If she wants to date you can divorce her so she can be single.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    There is a difference in a bar tender complimenting someone to ensure better tips vs rubbing, grinding, etc. She not only crossed the line, she jumped it with a motorcycle and a ramp.

    I would not leave the family home! She is the cheater, not you. you stay put and make her sleep in the guest room or on the sofa. Do not leave and be classified as abandoning the youngest who is at home. Do not move out unless a divorce attorney/judge orders you to. Also, don't put your kids in the middle of this. I suggest marriage counseling if she was drunk and this has never happened before even if you ultimately split up

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