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Thread: Why do exes breadcrumb?

  1. #1
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    Why do exes breadcrumb?

    Hi Guys, I'm sure there's been a lot of posts on this topic on here and all over the internet (which I have read tons of). I specifically wanted to know why exes come back after a period of NC and breadcrumb/initiate contact and make conversation while still in a relationship with their rebound.

    My ex recently reached out a week ago and has been talking almost every day - initiating convo EVERY time, sending selfies, videos of herself, having banter (sometimes borderline flirty banter), opening up about some deep stuff, and then sometimes also ghosting a bit. Very hot and cold. Why might this be? I can't work out her intentions - I made it very clear to her I didn't want a friendship, and she has been posting quite a few pictures of her current BF since getting back in contact with me, dropped in conversation once that she was emotional and upset about something to do with him and her being insecure but I cut that convo off and told her to talk to her friends about him not me. Like I said she's still in her relationship (got with him a mere few days after we broke up and she was the dumper), and seems 'happy' according to social media, professing they love eachother (from early on actually, after 1 month), and I guess if she's crying over him because she's insecure then she must like him/love him a hell of a lot (the way I see it). So why is she doing this?

    Any thoughts/perspective/opinions much appreciated.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. She is getting clear messages from you that you are friends and do want to entertain her. If you had deleted and blocked her and her people your words would match your actions. Try not to swim in the wings, you'll get hurt.
    Originally Posted by Annie12345
    I made it very clear to her I didn't want a friendship

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    I mean I acted very indifferent towards her the whole time, stopped the conversation first and she kept coming back and double texting etc. I deleted her number and she has been messaging on Snapchat as well... She even came to my house to drop off supplies of something I was running low on (I have been ill). The only reason I haven't ignored her is because I do hope we can eventually reconcile in the future, and if I cut her out completely at every attempt she makes to contact me then how will this even be a feasible option in the future if it does arise??

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    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Annie12345
    I mean I acted very indifferent towards her the whole time, stopped the conversation first and she kept coming back and double texting etc. I deleted her number and she has been messaging on Snapchat as well... She even came to my house to drop off supplies of something I was running low on (I have been ill). The only reason I haven't ignored her is because I do hope we can eventually reconcile in the future, and if I cut her out completely at every attempt she makes to contact me then how will this even be a feasible option in the future if it does arise??
    Dumpers come back with bread crumbs because they need to feed their ego.

    You have to cut her off because otherwise it is just goung to be less and less bread crumbs until its nothing.

    Reconcilement does happen but I wouldn't count on it or try to make it happen because no matter how slick you think you are appearing, you are still emotionally invested. The dumper is not.

    Therefore, all these little breadcrumbs you're counting as signs can be wiped away when she says-- "you know I have a boyfriend"

    Breadcrumbs are selfish little tests... they mean nothing. The best thibg you can do is ignore her... no response.....

    she is showing you what a selfish and crappy person she is.


    .

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  6. #5
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    Why would you leave this option open? Why haven't you blocked?

    All you are doing is giving a big ole ego boost and playing her therapist. This shows how little she cares about or respects you.

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    Originally Posted by Annie12345
    I mean I acted very indifferent towards her the whole time, stopped the conversation first and she kept coming back and double texting etc. I deleted her number and she has been messaging on Snapchat as well... She even came to my house to drop off supplies of something I was running low on (I have been ill). The only reason I haven't ignored her is because I do hope we can eventually reconcile in the future, and if I cut her out completely at every attempt she makes to contact me then how will this even be a feasible option in the future if it does arise??
    You should not be responding at all. Block and delete.



    "She gave me the whole 'I love you but Im not in love with you' and 'I have been falling out of love with you for a while'." This is all you need to know, in addition to the fact that she cheated on you.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    The reasons for this are numerous, and not really worth thinking about. But, hey, sometimes we need to understand something a little more clearly to understand it's not worth thinking about. So...

    Why do people do this? Why not? Human beings, generally speaking, do not like being bored and uncomfortable, and so they look for ways to "treat" those conditions. Some write novels, some meditate, some make millions trading on futures, some pray, some get serious about cooking, and so on—channeling that energy so "bored and uncomfortable" morphs into something better, something that supplies a sense of meaning and security.

    And, yeah, some people hit up an ex. It's the lowest hanging fruit on the tree. Writing a novel is hard. Learning to sit with some uncomfortable thoughts is hard. Sending a text that says "heyyyyyyyy" is not very hard.

    Wanting to reconcile is understandable, human. Here's the thing: whether it's getting back with someone from the past, or a new person from the future, it's worth asking yourself—in your own mind and spirit—how you'd like to build that connection. Is it like this? I highly doubt it. After all, she is simply showing you, right now, that she is in a place in life where she is incapable of treating people with respect, where she values the drug of attention over compassion. She's treating her boyfriend awfully by talking to you. She's treating you awfully by disrespecting your wishes for space. Rewarding awful behavior rarely—read: never—leads to romantic bliss.

    Another way to understand these bread crumbing instincts? Well, past the confusion, think about what it offers you right now. A little buzz. Sour aftertaste, of course, but it's interesting enough to make a boring day less boring, gives you something to think about, some stuff to feel. Same coin, different side. Sometimes we need to flip it a few times to move on toward richer forms of currency.

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    She's doing this because she wants you around as Plan B in case things go sideways with her new boyfriend. She also knows you're a reliable source of attention when she's not getting it from him.

    Bottom line? She's not contacting you because she loves you. It's because she doesn't want to be alone. That's fairly clear by the way she jumped out of your relationship and right into another. This guy had been in her orbit longer than that, I guarantee you. A woman who's really into you doesn't do what this one did.

    Reconciliation is very unlikely. A successful one, anyway. She might come back if they break up, but it won't last, my friend. She will bounce again.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Lurking around pretending to be friends and allowing her to contact you whenever she's bored while hoping she picks you is SO not attractive. I don't know why you would think acting like that would attract her back.

    You disappear? She might start wondering where you are and what you're doing and who you're with. And hopefully in the meantime you'll have met someone who doesn't play games with ex's emotions while allegedly dating someone else.

  11. #10
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    Doesn't it bother you that she cheated on you?

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