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Thread: Advice needed!

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Mar 2020

    Advice needed!

    I am 23 years old girl and I have boyfriend who is 28 years old. We are together from about 7 years. In the begining of our relationship we were a young and fell in love. I am serious person and he also is.At the beginning of our relationship everything was completely innocent and we never thought we would stay together for 7 years.I was in high school and he was graduating.We are from a small town where there is not much to do and what to do during the day. There are one or two cafes to diversify and that's it.For the first two years, everything was normal. We went out for coffee in the evening, we saw each other whenever we could, we were constantly surprised.But the moment came when I became a 12th grader and started thinking about my university studies, which meant I had to move to our capital to start a job.I told him I wanted to come with me, live together, build a common home, a family and be somewhere where I could study and find a well-paying job.He kept postponing the topic, telling me I still had time to go and, suggesting he had a job, a house (he lives with theirs). He has everything and does not want to move.The time has come for me to go, and he decides that he cannot live in a big city, does not want to leave his home. And since then, some of my difficult years have begun.

    I moved to the capital, studied, worked, it was difficult, but my parents could not help me financially. I was doing it alone.I changed a lot of accommodation, lived with different people. But he never wants to come to me and be supportive of one another.One year we ran a long distance relationship. It was difficult, at first he traveled to see me, then stopped. I used to go home whenever I could, but it was difficult.I couldn't stand it and told him I wanted to separate. It's not difficult in the big city, everyone is fighting for a better life, everyone wants to develop, and there is no way that can happen where there are almost no people.We realized that we clearly wanted different things from life and we parted. And then began the circle, from which for the fourth year I can not get out.

    It was very difficult without him, but I was determined to continue my life. He didn't make plans for the future with me, and I wanted the opposite. I had started to get out of the depression I was in, but one day he started looking for me and told me he couldn't live without me.I love him very much and we get together despite the circumstances. He promised me that he would move at the earliest opportunity, and I believed him. Then another year passed, and he told me again that he could not leave his native place.In short, we parted again, I became depressed because I was experiencing the same thing every time.A few months went by and he looked for me again, telling me that he had already found a job, could not live without me and move. I couldn't believe it. There was no way I could live with him because I was responsible for the girl I was with.He told me it didn't matter and he would move into a room that had other people. Move, work started, everything was fine, I helped him when it was difficult. I started looking for a dormitory, making plans, and after maybe another year, it started to get cold.He avoided me, kept coming home, didn't ring so often, he was cold. And we were together for a long time and we didn't get anywhere.I asked him for an explanation of his behavior, and he said he didn't endure in the capital. And looking for a job in his native place.I was shocked that the same thing was happening again. It happened last year, it was very difficult for me. But I was determined to split up for the last time and not look for him again.We were separated for 2 months, it was difficult, I was depressed again and it was very difficult for me to continue, then I decided to make changes in my life. I changed my apartment, changed my hair and other things, but I didn't go anywhere.Did he look for me again, telling me that he acted like a fool, that he wanted to marry me, that he wanted to live with me, and so onI didn't believe him, because it was another time and everything we had got to was already ruined. He said he was serious this time and I should give him a chance. I did it because I love him.

    And now I'm in the same position. At the beginning of the year I told him that we would raise money, we would like an apartment, we would find a good job, I will graduate this year. And everything will be fine and we will get our lives in order.Two months ago, he told me he couldn't stand it here. He can't get better, he has a hard time paying rents, paying bills, wondering what to eat every time and can't stay. He started looking for a job. They still haven't called him from anywhere. But right now, we're just back in the same position.I was considering going with him, but after telling him that I wanted to find a house on our own, to live without his parents, he was still considering it. It is very difficult because of quarantine, nothing is happening now.He is not with me at the moment, he has been home for two weeks because they have been given leave of absence from their work. We hear, everything is fine, I do not raise the subject so as not to be confused. But we're not going anywhere.It is very difficult for me, I manage on my own and it is not easy for me, but that's why we are people.I don't know what to do. I wish I didn't think and go down the stream, but I'm not like that. He's fine because he's not fighting. I never made him do something he didn't want. He promised me himself. And I have some sense of guilt. It's like I'm guilty of getting here.Please give me some advice. I love him and I can't do without him. But I also want a nice job, to go out and have fun.
    Thank you.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    central Florida
    It's so obvious that you've always been far more into him than he's been of you. You've never fully embraced being solo since you were 16. Why do you always need a companion at your young age to be happy? Likely because you lack self-worth, because if you possessed self love, you wouldn't let someone treat you like a yo-yo. And your happiness wouldn't depend on keeping this man in your life, although I don't know what happiness you feel when it's clear he doesn't really value you as a potential lifetime partner.

    You've never let yourself gain closure because you keep accepting a life where he reaches out and then departs, endlessly. You're going to have take charge of your life. Tell him it's totally over with no more chances. Tell him it's best for closure that you two stay no contact. And then block his number. You will eventually reach the stage past mourning to get to the part of healing and moving on. Stay alone at least a good year to learn who you are without a man. Sounds like you're quite independent otherwise, which is something to be proud of. Enjoy your career success, time with girlfriends and hobbies when the isolation period is complete. You have plenty of time to settle down with someone later. Embrace your freedom for now, and get bucket list items completed--ones you can't do, or that will be harder to do, once you marry and possibly have kids.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    I can't even figure out how many times you've broken up, but it's time to break up for good.

    This isn't going to get better. Your goals and lifestyles are incompatible and he is nowhere near as invested as you are. You've been hanging on for too long to what is essentially a dead relationship.

    You're very young and have your best years ahead of you. Time to move on and work towards a life with a different man who wants the same things you, and will work with you instead of planning to leave behind your back.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    He has shown you, over and over, that he is not very invested and has no intention of having a future with you. This guy is totally stringing you along.

    You guys are not compatible and have different goals in life. I suggest you end this for good, then block and delete him, or you will be on the merry go round, forever.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    firstly, you were underage when you got together. You are a different person now. This story sounds familiar - do you also have an illness - or was that a different poster? Same thing with guy who doesn't want to move to the capital. You are both moving in different directions. You might find if you break up you will find someone who cheers on your successes instead.


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