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Thread: My boyfriend was told that he is a father now from his abusive ex.

  1. #1
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    My boyfriend was told that he is a father now from his abusive ex.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 months. Yes it's super early but I just need to think if this is the right decision to leave or to stay with him. My boyfriend was in a 5 year abusive relationship with his ex. She made him feel absolutely small and lifeless. To the point where he did drugs and almost overdose because of her actions. He wanted to feel if he still have a soul. They broke it off but months prior they hooked up again. But she was with another guy and she cheated on him with my boyfriend. He left and moved to a different city to start fresh and to be away from the pain. He came back in December where we met on Facebook dating and we've been talking ever since. We meet 2 weeks later and we hit it off amazingly. He was so nervous it was adorable but we manage to get out of that bubble. He is amazing, loving, thoughtful and even though he has a dark side like myself we found ourselves compatible.

    He opened up about his ex one night and I was extremely heartbroken that I was crying for him. I had my time of an abusive relationship myself and I was there listening to him. I told him that he is never alone and that the ones who truly love you are the ones that are there since day one. I helped him reconnect with his family and spent almost everyday getting to know each other and helping each other build confidence and strength. I didn't believe him when he said that I'm his soulmate...but now I see that I am and he is mine. I didn't accept it in the beginning because before I met him I was fresh out of a relationship where my ex cheated on me with a girl that I happened to see her nudes on his phone. But eh not important to me anymore.

    We were doing amazing till he got a message from his ex saying that he's being a horrible father and that she needs money and that she has bills and furniture to pay off and that she is threatening him for child support. He was confused and shocked that he might be a father. I was so furious that she comes out of know where all of a sudden. I hate her so much that I wish she would've just disappear from his life. But it looks like she's apart him forever. He wanted to run and hide from her but I told him to have courage and talk to her as adults to clear the air and have answers whether or not the baby is his. She said that the baby is his and that he is now a father. I honestly don't feel convinced that it is. She abused him to every element of his body. Spirit, physical, mental and emotion. It's like she wanted to kill him. I do think that he should still take the paternity test just be sure if she is lying once again.

    I feel angry, jealousy, heartbroken, depress and miserable that she is back into his life again. I feel like I can't see him. Not only because of the virus going on, but me being in the way of all of this. I sent him a long message stating how i felt about this but I haven't heard anything back. I feel like I'm gonna lose him. I don't trust this girl. I feel like he's avoiding me. I feel useless right now. I tried talking to him about his feelings and mine but he doesn't want to corporate much. If i keep bothering him i feel he would just say, "if you don't like it or can't handle it then leave simple as that." He made peace with her yesterday and he felt happy about it because him and her are going to work it out as friends. He said not relationship wise but i fear that he would cheat on me with her because he's gonna be seeing her more often now because of the baby and I'm gonna feel such betrayal and naive. Like she stole him away from me and feel like she will overpower me. I am angry because the baby is not mine. I told him that I accepted it but not quite fully and it'll take time. I just want to see him and talk to him but i don't know if I sound selfish. I miss him so much and I just want him to stay strong and don't surrender to her. At this point I'm trying to focus on school, but it breaks my heart not hearing from him. So yeah...this is gonna be a wild ride.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    So, so sorry about all this. Your hurt and confusion jumps straight out of your post. Tough stuff during a very tough time. Internet hugs.

    What to say, where to begin? I think you could really use a moment to ask yourself a hard question. Namely: Is all this really something you want to be involved in, waters you really want to keep stepping into? Three months ago—a blip of time, in the scheme of things—you did not know this man existed. Now, knowing what you know? Well, it is a turbulent, troubling road any way you cut it. While I very much understand the excitement of a potential connection, to say nothing of the appeal of those who have been on hard roads—been on many myself!—I think in this case it's worth tapping into the logical part of the brain and asking if this is a dude to walk into fires with or if it's a dude who will burn you up.

    Let's leave those thoughts to simmer for a minute, and get to the specifics...

    Well, it's kind of simple, for all the complications. He should take a paternity test—step one—and find out, for sure, if the child is his. If so? Well, that requires you to again ask if all that is really something you want to take on, as it means this woman is very much part of his life, forever, to say nothing of being a dad, learning to co-parent, that whole consuming road. If it's not his child? It means that all this is, at best, a dramatic flair up from a dude five minutes removed from a dramatic past. Risky stuff, but I don't think you need me to tell you that. Sounds like you're only a few minutes removed from some drama yourself.

    One problem, though. He is kind of ghosting on you already. Don't sugarcoat that or give him a hall pass because life just got bananas, and please, please don't make him the saint and she the sinner. It's never that simple. You do not know this man very well, but right now he is showing you, very clearly, who he is when life gets weird: a guy who at least flirts with vanishing. Heck, you're the one who had to encourage him to face this fire, and in response? He's kind of drifting away. He's cheated here and there. His track record—not far in the rearview mirror—is that of a man who struggles to hold himself accountable and treat people with respect. He's been hurt, dealt some bad cards, I get it. Still, facts and facts, and what they add up to, in part, is a dude who can't quite walk in a straight line.

    That, I think, is largely why you're bent out of shape right now, beyond the dramatics of the moment. People who can't walk straight twist others up. In your shoes, I would really think about all that. At the end of the day you are two months into a relationship and feeling exactly how most people don't want to feel at this point. There is a lot of information in that feeling: tough to hear, but worth listening to.

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    I appreciate your time and your comment. I just have no one else to turn too because I don't get any emotional support from my family or friends. It's always been a finding it yourself kinda thing. I wouldn't be surprise if he muted the conversation just so he won't hear from me until everything is cleared up. But it is not making it better for me. But who knows right? I don't. I just want this crushing feeling to go away so I can move forward from it. But it's not easy and it takes time. This is absolutely a big waste of my time and I wish it was all better and everything can be fresh. But it can't...We talked about it before and he asked me if I would still be with him if the kid is his. I say yes and I would care for him. But now I'm feeling so frustrated and crushed by all of this.

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    He took drugs and it was her fault!?

    What a load of baloney!

    He sounds like a manipulator to me.
    He barely knows you, tells you how he was abused , tells you that you are his soulmate?
    And then pretends that his ex told him what a horrible father he is before even telling him that she had a baby???

    As if!!!?!?

    Be greatful that your “soulmate” ghosted on you!

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    No I saw the messages that she sent him and he told me that he did take drugs when being with her but he would hide from her. Like I said I am to the point where i don't know what's gonna happen

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    I feel so bad for what you are going through. This may sting a little bit, but please hear me out.

    The fact that you JUST met this man and you guys have been "together" for two months- makes me believe that he may have been rebounding with you. Jumping head first into a new relationship after a 5 year abusive relationship means that he could possibly be seeking an escape from loneliness and the void that comes with a breakup.

    I'm not taking anything away from what you shared with him. It just sounds like as soon as his ex noticed that he was moving on in his life, she notices and comes back to reclaim her power over him. A baby changes the dynamic altogether though, and while he has to acknowledge that being a father is a possibility, he also needs to determine if the baby is in fact his. He can be there for her for prenatal visits- and should be there rregularly for emotional support, until he finds out the paternity. But if he really cares about you and the relationship, he could easily place boundaries and make her respect you as his new woman, and make sure its understood that they will only have a co parenting relationship once paternity has been established.

    Your boyfriend is missing during a nationwide quarantine. Theres only a few places that he could be. Everything is closed except for essential businesses. The fact that he is not responding back to you during a crisis situation speaks volumes. Hes probably with her- otherwise, he would still be in regular contact with you just like before.

    Unless hes in the hospital, at work, shopping for essential necessities, or at home-- he could only be one other place. Listen to your intuition. It's there for a reason.

    There is nothing you can do if he is quarantining with her and ignoring you at the moment. I know it hurts, but it looks like he has already made his choice. Even if he needed time to himself to sort some things out, he could have had a conversation with you and not leave you wondering. In the future, it's best to not get involved with someone fresh out of a breakup because they havent had time to heal, process the breakup and adjust. Sometimes newly single people are lonely, bored or just using you to get over their previous partner. Judging by what you said here, he isnt over her. Good luck

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    So what happened was he lived with a couple of roommates when he moved back from out of town. It was his best friend and girlfriend that opened there doors for him. The girlfriend was absolutely impossible to beat. She put tracking chip in there phones, she would read there text messages, she stole money from him and basically stalked them where ever they go. When i first met her she told him that I was being disrespectful and mean to her...but I wasn't. She had a huge insecurity problem and she assumed that I was taking him away from her, but I wasn't. He ended up leaving the house because he had enough of it and I helped him pack. She was the one that contacted his ex girlfriend. Somehow she had her ways and found her. Telling her that he's been back and he seeing someone (me) that I'm looking out for you and you deserve justice and all these other non sense. So she was the one that caused all of this to happen. But at the same time this was bound to happen.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You need to step away from this drama. Unfortunately he seems to tell you a lot of half-truths. He wants to be with her. Do not play attorney, therapist or mother. Do not get caught in the crossfire of their war.
    Originally Posted by sgtpepper
    she is threatening him for child support. I hate her so much.She said that the baby is his and that he is now a father. If i keep bothering him i feel he would just say, "if you don't like it or can't handle it then leave simple as that." I am angry because the baby is not mine.

  10. #9
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    OP, I would cut your losses and move on from this guy. It's not worth the heartache.

    You have barely been dating for 2 months and there's already a boatload of drama. You're trying to be his therapist and you place most of the blame on anyone other than him. Yes, he might have had some crappy people in his life, but where is his accountability in this? He is an adult too, and able to make his own choices. He appears to be the type to run from his problems or try to escape into drugs, and you're there - a woman he's only known a few months - trying to clean up his mess. Even before this news about being a father was revealed, it doesn't seem you and he have a very healthy dynamic going on. People who bond over their past trauma? That's not usually a bond that's very reliable, especially when times get tough again. You are seeing why. If that was a point of connection, it means you're both still dealing with those past traumas and not really in the right emotional place to begin a relationship.

    And now that he's gone silent and unresponsive, well, I think you have to realize he's not the great guy you want him to be. Rather than try to talk to you and see how to proceed, he's pulled a disappearing act. And that's nobody's fault but his.

    I'm sorry this has happened. This guy has red flags all over him and it's going to be best that you stay away.

  11. #10
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    Neither one of you should have been dating, as you did not have time to process your breakups. On your side, this resulted in choosing a guy with a boatload of problems.

    This guy is a big project, and you have now turned into his therapist, trying to excuse him for everything, including his drug use. This is a very unhealthy dynamic and all in two months. I can't imagine how much drama there would be in three months.

    Be done with this guy, and readdress your choices in men.

    Lastly, stay single and process the break up with your ex, and no more jumping from guy to guy.

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