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Thread: Attempt at more security about her ex

  1. #1

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    Attempt at more security about her ex

    My current partner five years has always had a decent relationship with her ex, with whom she had a child with. They have been split up for about eight years now and Iíve always been comfortable with their relationship and in fact envied it and wished I had that relationship with my ex. My current partner and I had recently decided to spend some time apart, living in separate places in an effort to sort of reset. During this time obviously the coronavirus began and we decided it was safest if we kept distance (me and my son are possibly high risk due to asthma). She has confided in me that she has been hanging out with her ex a lot and heís been supportive etc. etc. Itís a bit straining on me under the current circumstances as it feels like for me, they are getting closer during this time - while I cannot have that quality time with her. I gently approached the subject and she got upset. Saying I didnít trust her etc. I asked her because she promised to call me last night and never did. I suspected she was hanging with him which turned out to be the case. itís tricky to feel 100% comfortable. My current view is that if once youíve been in such a long term and intimate relationship with someone, certain boundaries are important. And that if two such people begin spending 1 on 1 time too often, itís only natural that you run the risk of ďold feelingsĒ creeping back to the surface. Looking for some advice. While I know everyone has to determine their own level of comfort with such a topic, Iím trying my best to view things differently than I currently see them. Iíve always liked this guy, and honestly never saw myself having any comfort with exes but Iíve even hung out with him on my own before. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    As for me, I'd only be comfortable with my husband or bf being in contact with his ex for the sole purpose of communicating about the child, not being buddies and hanging out in their leisure time. It's not unreasonable, but of course there are very free spirited people who would be okay with this.

    You two already took a break from each other once, instead of staying together to work on problems. To me, that's always a sign that one or both don't care enough, and that the incompatibility is too much to overcome.

    And promising to call without doing so? An uncaring trait for a partner, and she's either avoiding another difficult discussion or just isn't that into you.

    When a relationship is more frustrating and upsetting than it is satisfying, it means it's not the right relationship. Free yourself so you can meet someone who shares your relationship boundaries.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this is happening. What were the reasons you chose to take a break? Were you living together? She may be turning to her ex for support . However she may or may not be getting romantically attached. If you are on "reset", she may feel free to date again .

    Stay safe with your son. You did the right thing isolating yourselves a bit given his asthma. Try not to insinuate anything. But reflect the communication breakdown and whatever separated you in the first place
    Originally Posted by Mrfog
    My current partner and I had recently decided to spend some time apart, living in separate places in an effort to sort of reset.

    I asked her because she promised to call me last night and never did. I suspected she was hanging with him which turned out to be the case. itís tricky to feel 100% comfortable.

  4. #4

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this is happening. What were the reasons you chose to take a break? Were you living together? She may be turning to her ex for support . However she may or may not be getting romantically attached. If you are on "reset", she may feel free to date again .

    Stay safe with your son. You did the right thing isolating yourselves a bit given his asthma. Try not to insinuate anything. But reflect the communication breakdown and whatever separated you in the first place
    Yes we lived together for 4 years. About 6 weeks passed and we started hanging out again. Then the virus.

    I suppose it was differences like this that separated us. Our disagreements tend to involve what I feel are simple ďbehavior requestsĒ so to speak and generally I get defensiveness with eventual understanding but then the behavior is repeated. Topics like the one I mention here - common courtesy type stuff - reliability and dependability. I just feel uneasy about them hanging so much. Every now and again fine but feel itís ramped up because they share a child and figure if either parent were to get the virus, the daughter likely would too and then the other parent.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Mrfog
    Yes we lived together for 4 years. About 6 weeks passed and we started hanging out again. Then the virus.

    I suppose it was differences like this that separated us. Our disagreements tend to involve what I feel are simple ďbehavior requestsĒ so to speak and generally I get defensiveness with eventual understanding but then the behavior is repeated. Topics like the one I mention here - common courtesy type stuff - reliability and dependability. I just feel uneasy about them hanging so much. Every now and again fine but feel itís ramped up because they share a child and figure if either parent were to get the virus, the daughter likely would too and then the other parent.
    some people out of necessity are deciding to quarantine/social distance against everyone but one other person -- if both are home from work, etc, custody does not allow them to prevent the other parent from seeing their child even though the child should be in one place. The best thing you can do is not be insecure -- don't call to check up on her. Call because you genuinely have something interesting to share.

    If you ask someone a "behavior request" you may be trying to change who they are. Someone with a kid might not be able to be as reliable as you want and if you keep making "behavior requests" maybe you are asking for something unreasonable and you are the person who needs to flex. Consider that.

    Yes, she may decide to reunite her family -- or she may just be expressing they are having a better relationship and all it means is that its the type that is better for the child -- not that they are getting romantic. It will be what it will be but you have to decide if your "behavior requests" might be a bit much as well. My guy knows i am chronically late - that to not be chronically late i need to not be overscheduled so that i have time to decompress between things. So he found that instead of complaining about my lateness in getting ready, he does not expect me to do 50 things with him that day would require me to change clothes again before the important event. or expect me to cook a full course meal before - so that i can "switch gears' better. So i have not changed -- he now understands and now i am usually ready early or on time because he doesn't expect me to be him

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this is happening. What were the reasons you chose to take a break? Were you living together? She may be turning to her ex for support . However she may or may not be getting romantically attached. If you are on "reset", she may feel free to date again .

    Stay safe with your son. You did the right thing isolating yourselves a bit given his asthma. Try not to insinuate anything. But reflect the communication breakdown and whatever separated you in the first place
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    some people out of necessity are deciding to quarantine/social distance against everyone but one other person -- if both are home from work, etc, custody does not allow them to prevent the other parent from seeing their child even though the child should be in one place. The best thing you can do is not be insecure -- don't call to check up on her. Call because you genuinely have something interesting to share.

    If you ask someone a "behavior request" you may be trying to change who they are. Someone with a kid might not be able to be as reliable as you want and if you keep making "behavior requests" maybe you are asking for something unreasonable and you are the person who needs to flex. Consider that.

    Yes, she may decide to reunite her family -- or she may just be expressing they are having a better relationship and all it means is that its the type that is better for the child -- not that they are getting romantic. It will be what it will be but you have to decide if your "behavior requests" might be a bit much as well. My guy knows i am chronically late - that to not be chronically late i need to not be overscheduled so that i have time to decompress between things. So he found that instead of complaining about my lateness in getting ready, he does not expect me to do 50 things with him that day would require me to change clothes again before the important event. or expect me to cook a full course meal before - so that i can "switch gears' better. So i have not changed -- he now understands and now i am usually ready early or on time because he doesn't expect me to be him
    Thanks for this.

    To be clear, perhaps behavior request was a poor choice of words. Not trying to change her per se, but integrity should mean something right? Do what you say you will? Thatís really all Iím talking about with some of our ongoing obstacles. Iíve definitely learned to accept many things that donít align with how I am as a person. So I get your point of course. Thing is, the traits she loves most about me and what I provide to the relationship are the same ones she struggles to give back. Iíve largely been understanding if this, but I suppose it really has been a source of confrontation.

  8. #7

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this is happening. What were the reasons you chose to take a break? Were you living together? She may be turning to her ex for support . However she may or may not be getting romantically attached. If you are on "reset", she may feel free to date again .

    Stay safe with your son. You did the right thing isolating yourselves a bit given his asthma. Try not to insinuate anything. But reflect the communication breakdown and whatever separated you in the first place
    Originally Posted by Mrfog
    Thanks for this.

    To be clear, perhaps behavior request was a poor choice of words. Not trying to change her per se, but integrity should mean something right? Do what you say you will? Thatís really all Iím talking about with some of our ongoing obstacles. Iíve definitely learned to accept many things that donít align with how I am as a person. So I get your point of course. Thing is, the traits she loves most about me and what I provide to the relationship are the same ones she struggles to give back. Iíve largely been understanding if this, but I suppose it really has been a source of confrontation.
    To that end, I suppose this particular and current situation is about my struggle to not have SOME kind of boundary about her and ex relationship. Good for the child for sure! But once child goes to bed and the two of them are having a drink and shooting the breeze for a couple hours on the regular, that feels different.

  9. #8
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    I would not be comfortable with the current arrangement either, OP.

    Whose idea was it to live separately? It's generally the kiss of death to take such a step backwards in a relationship, so I'm curious how you two arrived at that decision.

    If she is truly trying to mend things with you, having her ex around so much is counterproductive. She can't be naive enough to believe any man would be comfortable with her actions here. Slotting him in when you can't be around right now is inconsiderate. She makes noise about trust to distract from the real issue, which is that she isn't implementing boundaries to protect the integrity of your relationship. But to be clear - are you two still actually in a relationship? How long was this break/living-apart meant to last?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    As you post, I just can't help but get the impression that this current dilemma is more a symptom of a larger dilemma between you two: a deepening rift, resentments on both sides, with the inherent feelings of insecurity that come from being in a relationship that is sputtering out rather than humming along.

    What she is clearly demonstrating right now is that she does not have the interest of energy to accommodate your feelingsóthat she is letting it sputter. The lack of call when promised, for starters. Followed by the knee-jerk instinct to be defensive and dismissive about a situation that just about every human being on the planet would struggle with.

    Guess what I'm trying to say is: Does it really matter, right now, if she and her ex are being totally above-board or vibing a bit? If you had access to secret drone footage that revealed there is nothing to worry about, in terms of how they're behaving during these strange times, would you really feel any better?

    I'd maybe start there, in your shoes.

  11. #10

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this is happening. What were the reasons you chose to take a break? Were you living together? She may be turning to her ex for support . However she may or may not be getting romantically attached. If you are on "reset", she may feel free to date again .

    Stay safe with your son. You did the right thing isolating yourselves a bit given his asthma. Try not to insinuate anything. But reflect the communication breakdown and whatever separated you in the first place
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    As you post, I just can't help but get the impression that this current dilemma is more a symptom of a larger dilemma between you two: a deepening rift, resentments on both sides, with the inherent feelings of insecurity that come from being in a relationship that is sputtering out rather than humming along.

    What she is clearly demonstrating right now is that she does not have the interest of energy to accommodate your feelingsóthat she is letting it sputter. The lack of call when promised, for starters. Followed by the knee-jerk instinct to be defensive and dismissive about a situation that just about every human being on the planet would struggle with.

    Guess what I'm trying to say is: Does it really matter, right now, if she and her ex are being totally above-board or vibing a bit? If you had access to secret drone footage that revealed there is nothing to worry about, in terms of how they're behaving during these strange times, would you really feel any better?

    I'd maybe start there, in your shoes.
    Thanks for this. Iíll ponder a lot of what you said. As for the drone, Iím honestly trusting that itís platonic. At least right now. But the fact she willingly dismisses my concerns/boundaries is the core issue for me. And the possibility that two adults who have already shared a deeper intimacy and bonded by their child, hanging out outside of the parental relationship, alone. Catching a buzz. She doesnít seem to understand why I feel the way I do, which is frustrating since itís as if Iím unreasonable.
    Last edited by Mrfog; 03-29-2020 at 06:40 PM.

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