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Thread: Seeking breakup advice - Very confusing situation

  1. #1

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    Seeking breakup advice - Very confusing situation

    Hello.

    I am a longtime reader of these forums. I finally decided to create an account and seek some advice about relationship break-ups and heartache.

    I have been in a relationship for 2.5 years. We broke up 2 weeks ago. The break-up happened after a fight about different priorities in the relationship. I wanted to get more serious, and she was wanting to keep the relationship "day-by-day" and live in the moment/enjoy each others company.

    There is a reason for her hesitation. I made a terrible mistake and cheated on her early in the relationship. Unfortunately, I took her for granted and I wasn't committed to Christian morality at that time. I make no excuses for this behaviour and I fully expected her to break-up with me at the time.

    She, however decided to stay.

    Her trust and faith in me was very damaged, but nevertheless, we decided to stay together and try and make the relationship work. The agreement was to focus on the future and positive experiences. This went well initially for the first 12 months, but as time went on I began to feel the relationship stagnate. She was also increasingly distancing herself and spending more time with friends, however we would still be staying together most nights and she was affectionate. She still told me she loved me, and she was impressed with how much I had changed. She said she had learned to love the "new me." I took this to mean that she was beginning to trust me again.

    But the relationship wasn't going anywhere, or so I felt. It felt unstable. She wasn't agitating for seriousness, and instead seemed to be increasingly building a life away from me - seeing friends much more regularly (previously we were inseparable).

    I prompted the fight that led to the break-up. She initiated sex that morning, but I stopped and said that it "didn't feel right." I then left my apartment and went for a drive to cool-off. She called me and asked me to come back. I came back, but I wasn't able to relax around her. I finally came out with the truth. I said - "Even though breaking up with you is the right thing for me, I am scared of how much I'll miss you."

    This wasn't a surprise for her. She knew I wanted to get more serious and we had a few fights about this in the past. She always fought for me. But this time was different.

    To my surprise, she agreed and said "let's stop." I got angry and told her to pack-up her stuff and go. This was an angry moment where I let fly some hurtful remarks. I told her if she left now then she would never see me again. This was manipulative of me. I wanted her to fight for me. I gambled and I lost.

    She left my apartment and I was left in a stunned silence. "She's gone" I thought to myself. But I accepted it in the moment, because I assumed she had decided we were incompatible and she really didn't want to settle down and have kids with me.

    This is where things start to get strange..

    After she left my apartment, I went to a local restaurant to have a meal. She called me in an upset voice and started talking about how she felt bad for stringing me along, how sad she feels and how she feels very sorry for me.

    I wasn't in the mood. I needed space so I cut the conversation short by saying "I'm in a busy restaurant now, I can't talk about this."

    She immediately got angry - "Who are you with?!?"

    I hung up. I finished my meal and went home. My doorbell rings. I meet her outside my apartment door and she accuses me of lying about where I was. I told her I had just arrived home from the restaurant. We hug, there are tears from her, but she leaves. I go inside my apartment. Suddenly the door flings open and she is looking into my room, expecting to find a girl in there. She seemed surprised to find me standing there alone.

    Again, we hug and I tell her to not be upset and make sure she drives safely. She leaves to go and meet her friend. I was privately annoyed that she didn't stay to try and work things out, but I was stoic and kissed her forehead and hugged her before she left. I felt like a father comforting a sobbing daughter. I felt sure, at this point, that she would return to me.

    This is the last time I saw her in person. She stayed at her friend's place that night and I believe she is getting strong support from friends during this break-up.

    2 nights later she called me and said "My friends say I shouldn't talk to you at all."

    I am annoyed that she is trying to position me between her and her friends. I don't entertain the conversation and tell her that I need space and that i'll talk to her in a few days if she wants to. She calls me again and I ignore it.

    The next night she calls me 3 times in a row and I ignore them. This is the last time she attempted to contact me. It was nearly 2 weeks ago now.

    A few days after she last contacted me, I sent her a text message. It was a photo of us from earlier, happier times with a caption saying "it couldn't last forever." Again, I wanted her to fight for me. I was being manipulative, and I fully confess to that.

    No response from her.

    I wait 3 or 4 more days. She is silent. No response. I start to feel very unsettled. I think to myself "She has never ignored me like this before. What is she doing?"

    On about the 4th day of silence, I drive past her apartment and see her car is there. I impulsively stop, get out of my car and go and ring her doorbell twice. No answer. I try to call her. I'm blocked. I text her to say I'm just checking if she's ok. No response.

    I walk away bewildered.

    The next day I sent her an email letting her know that I love her, but I respect her decision and will cherish our memories. I wanted to appear strong, not beg, but also let her know that the door is wide open for her to come back.

    I maintain silence for 3 more days, and then I unfortunately went crazy. I tried to call her on whatsapp, facebook, and from a different number. This was all in the space of an afternoon. She blocked me immediately on all these mediums.

    It has now been 4 days since this incident and I'm trying to move on. I haven't contacted her since then.

    However, I am struggling with obsessive thinking now. Has anyone experienced this behaviour before from an ex?

    The abruptness of her "Cold turkey" is frightening. I presume her friends are helping her, or she's met another guy. Another possibility is she is trying to punish me.

    Can anyone here please help me to understand what is going on, and what I am going through now?

    I have never been broken-up with like this before, let alone blocked.

    My goal at the moment is to try and focus on other things, and wait to see if she ever contacts me again. But I find myself constantly slipping into obsessive thinking, depression and anger about that situation. I am feeling the loss. But I am waiting for her still..

    ....But the waiting is killing me. I know this relationship is over, on one level. But for some reason I don't have closure. How can someone just disappear like this, and aggressively block me everywhere?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You cheated and even though she took you back once, once anyone cheats, lies, deceives or betrays, the relationship is basically dead. Even though people initially forgive, there will forever be a seed of distrust implanted within the deep recesses of one's brain.

    She blocked you. Therefore, stop hounding and bothering her. Get her message: Leave her alone. She has since moved on with her life and whatever she does with her friends or a new man in her life is HER business, NOT yours.

    You need to grow up and mature. A real man will back off and do the right thing by accepting, honoring and respecting her wishes.

    Continue with your goal on focusing on other things. Stop obsessing over her because your former relationship with her is over and a done deal. Consider her history because she considers you history.

    Take this relationship as a harsh lesson learned. Don't cheat, lie, deceive nor betray trust from this day forward because you'll lose every time. Don't manipulate, call a person's bluff, gaslight, engage in mind games and head trips because again, you'll lose every time. People will leave you because they're disgusted and they'll create new, healthy boundaries for themselves.

    Think long and hard. Live and learn. And yes, people are passive aggressive. It's universal so grow accustomed to it. It's the way of the world.

  3. #3
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    Your relationship has no future. She will never be able to trust you again. I know I would't have returned to a situation where my partner was a cheat.

    Leave her alone and move on with your life. There is not future. You are not healthy together.

    I suggest you stay single for a long while and learn from your mistakes.

    Block and delete. Leave her alone!

  4. #4
    Gold Member waffle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Will87
    A few days after she last contacted me, I sent her a text message. It was a photo of us from earlier, happier times with a caption saying "it couldn't last forever."
    I'd block you too, after receiving something like that. Your actions are bordering on harassment. It's a straight-up miracle your relationship lasted as long as it did. Leave her alone, don't date, and work on your issues.

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  6. #5
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Attempting to build trust after a betrayal of that sort may look good on paper, yet going the long term is a battle that few can win, (imo).

    It appears this is a done deal. With that said, it's time to move on and keep the lesson in your back pocket.
    Last edited by HeartGoesOn; 03-27-2020 at 10:16 PM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    "I finally came out with the truth. I said - "Even though breaking up with you is the right thing for me, I am scared of how much I'll miss you."

    Next time don't initiate a breakup unless you mean it.

    Yes, you are manipulative. You wanted her to fight for you? You told her you wanted to break up! How was she supposed to mind read and know you were just trying to get her to do what you wanted her to do? I guess you think she should have known, but after everything she probably got tired of your manipulations.

    I don't know why just talking to her wasn't the option you chose, instead of manipulation and games.

  8. #7

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    "I finally came out with the truth. I said - "Even though breaking up with you is the right thing for me, I am scared of how much I'll miss you."

    Next time don't initiate a breakup unless you mean it.

    Yes, you are manipulative. You wanted her to fight for you? You told her you wanted to break up! How was she supposed to mind read and know you were just trying to get her to do what you wanted her to do? I guess you think she should have known, but after everything she probably got tired of your manipulations.

    I don't know why just talking to her wasn't the option you chose, instead of manipulation and games.

    Thanks for the feedback. I totally agree. I was amazed that she decided to stay. I would never stay with a cheater either. The reality is, I just had a lot of options at that time in my life and the dynamic was her trying to "tie me down." I only really realised my love for her after I cheated (oh the irony) and realised that I'd lost a good thing. But it was too late by then. I was left with a woman who was not giving me her best anymore, and eventually i got tired of it. If you want to stay, then stay. If you want to go, then go.

    What I'm more interested in is understanding her bizarre break-up behaviour. But, I guess going "cold turkey" is the only way to cut a manipulative guy like me out of her life permanently. She was addicted to me and she needed to treat me like a drug. Maybe her friends helped her to see it.

    I guess I'm proud of her. Good girl :)

    After contemplating things this morning, I hope she doesn't come back now. I hope she gets out there in the world and finds happiness.

  9. #8
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    What actions of hers do you find bizarre?

  10. #9

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    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    What actions of hers do you find bizarre?
    Chasing me and then abruptly blocking me when I was in no contact.

    Just to clarify, she blocked me before I even attempted to call her. Usually ex's get blocked for blowing up the phone. I didn't do that. I only tried to circumvent the block after the fact. I think mine is a unique situation. I've done a lot of searching online and it doesn't seem like anyone has been in my situation. The typical situation is you beg and harass your ex and then you get blocked. In my case, I orchestrated a fake break-up to kick her lazy ass into gear and it backfired on me. I got blocked before I could even tell her that I wanted her back.

    Just for some context, she cheated on her boyfriend before she met me. Nobody's perfect. I forgave her for that. But honestly, knowing what she was capable of probably contributed to my decision to cheat on her early on in the relationship. It was a bit of self-protection I guess, because I knew that if I let myself fall in love with her then it could be dangerous for me.

    I've noticed there's a lot of very judgemental people on this forum. It's 2020. Everybody is having sex and we live in a culture/world that worships sex. I think cheating is a shame, but it's easy to see how it happens. A woman who truly loves me would see that I'm a work-in-progress and see that I'm open to change and spiritual growth.

    She'll regret it once she gets out into the world a bit more and sees how uncaring it is. Real life ain't a Disney movie. Sometimes you have to lose it for a while to appreciate it.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Can I ask how old you guys are?

    I'm sorry for this moment of turmoil, I am, but it seems that you are pretty aware of the big truth here: you plus her do not equal something good, something sincere, something sustainable. You started off on a sour note, tried to make it a sweet one, but genuine sweetness proved elusive for a good long while. There was a whiff of it when you were in atonement mode, but then it kind of flip-flopped and she was the one pulling away. Poke, prod, push, pull: interesting, for sure, but also exhausting.

    You sound like a good dude, and I bet she's a good dudette. Yeah, people make mistakes, so I'm not going to read either of you the riot act. Have made some myself. Live and learn. Still, when your go-to mode of communication is wanton manipulation? It's telling. It's generally a very good sign that you are in a chemistry experiment that is bringing out the worst in you, accentuating immaturity and lack of growth, rather than the opposite. It means that the thing everyone craves and needs—authenticity—isn't in the wheelhouse. And without that? It's just wheels spinning, gears grinding.

    I know all the post breakup activity feels vital and important and unique and perplexing right now, but being frank? It's just two people flailing, the exhaust fumes of a thing ending and a void opening. It's always sour, this moment. The more dramatics involved? The blocking, the tears, the forehead kisses, all that? Well, I think that's generally a reflection of the core of the connection, what two people ultimately bring out in another. With the "label" ripped off, the truth is kind of revealed and what you're seeing right now—and reeling from, understandably—is that the core is a bit rotten. It was a few months ago, if not longer. It's just exposed.

    You struck a humble note, or grazed it, in your earlier post, seeing this as a good moment—hoping she finds happiness and, I hope, hoping you do the same. Good line to keep walking, right there. Your recent post has some ego snarling in it, which is understandable, because your ego is pretty swollen right now. But I say just see that, acknowledge it, but don't indulge it. You've done that enough and it's not cute. Walk away from that line, knowing you'll thank yourself later.

    So let her go, for real, and have faith that the lessons in that will reward you, sharpen your compass, trigger some self-work, and eventually lead you to something that doesn't trigger these cycles of manipulation and atonement subbing in for sincerity. That's the win here. Trying to unpack all this noise and find salvation in that? That's the loss.

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