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Is he over sensitive or did I overreact?


TanyaJo

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I went on a date with a man whom I've been texting for 3 months. We first met it was a very nice first date, we spend 5 hours just talking and walking. We continued texting the following week as well and we were planning to meet for the second date. Around yesterday, the chat conversation ended up around a funny hat that he had. He sent me a few pictures of him with a few random women (who were actually pretty good looking) wearing that hat. He also sent me a random fwd from a women who he used to work with. To me these two kind of stuck out odd for two reasons

 

1. I happen to feel if this is an attempt to make me jealous that either he knows good looking women and are in touch with them

2. This was a de ja vu to me as my ex boy friend 5 yrs ago did the same and he is now married to one of the women. So at that time it was him getting a validation from me that she was hot enough.

 

So I did mention to him over text that I was not comfortable him sending me pics of random strangers who I don't know. He took it wrongly and thought I was controlling (in the sense I am controlling him from being friends with women in general on FB) and jealous (because they are better looking). None of this is true and I'm pretty confident about who I am and I'm not on his Facebook and I don't have the rights to control someones friends list. All I asked was not to text me those because they are not necessary for me and also it brings back bad memories to me.

 

He said, this is going to be a problem if I would start reacting for things such as him talking to his colleagues etc. We all have work colleagues and so do I.

 

I'm confused if I overreacted by asking him not to send such pics or is he being really sensitive about my reaction.

I really liked him and I did mentioned that to him and he seem to like me too but I'm really gutted at what just happened. :icon_sad:

 

-Tanya,

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He sounds like an a-hole..sorry, but he does.

 

He was gloating, he can deny it, but what decent man wants to throw pictures of him and other women in your face? Very poor taste.

 

And then to further accuse you of being the one with the problem, wow. No sensitivity on his end at all.

 

and jealous (because they are better looking).

 

That right there would have me telling him to go shove it.

 

If I were you, I would seriously run the other way and not look back.

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Why did you spend 3 months texting before finally meeting? Why didn't you meet sooner?

 

He never took initiative for a date. He said he would usually let the woman take initiative so that he is not forcing anything on me.

So I ended up asking him if we are going to meet or not. Finally he fixed a date.

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He sounds like an a-hole..sorry, but he does.

 

He was gloating, he can deny it, but what decent man wants to throw pictures of him and other women in your face? Very poor taste.

 

And then to further accuse you of being the one with the problem, wow. No sensitivity on his end at all.

 

 

 

That right there would have me telling him to go shove it.

 

If I were you, I would seriously run the other way and not look back.

 

He kept telling I am hotter but I really did not like the idea of comparing women based on "hotness", this isn't a competition or pageant. I'm very forward thinking and this made me very uncomfortable even though it was an attempt to make me feel better in terms of appearance.

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This entire situation is pretty messed up. You essentially had a one date with a huge side of drama. I wouldn't be asking who is right or wrong, because this entire dynamic is wrong, so I'd just walk away from this.

 

Wasting 3 months on chit chat may seem and feel like you have a deeper connection but you really don't. After just one date, there is way too much drama, conflict, and overall shady behavior. No reason to try and sort this out, just walk away.

 

I'd also add that in the future, if the guy isn't setting up a date fairly quickly, like in a week or two, stop wasting your time and walk away, unless there is some mutually legitimate reason you can't meet in that time frame. Keep online chit chat short and meet in person quickly - coffee, happy hour and then decide if this person is worth an actual date in the future. This approach will save you a lot of grief. Stay away from developing extended online "connections" as that leads to a false sense of intimacy you don't actually have.

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Sorry about all this.

 

Easiest read, to my eyes? You've learned, very quickly, that this is not a man worth your time. Always a bummer, and I'm sure the sting is a bit more potent than usual because of those 3 months talking. Still, facts here are facts: you had one nice date, and, prior to setting up the other one, he showed you in more ways than one that he's a bozo.

 

First way: sending you photos of him with women. Makes no sense. As lame as lame gets.

 

Second way: reacting to your concerns as he did, getting into the "hotness" comparisons. Yawn. That's frat boy stuff, boring stuff, stuff to shrug off with a laugh.

 

So, yeah, a bummer. But better to know all this now than to discover it as real connection, and real attachment forms.

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First way: sending you photos of him with women. Makes no sense. As lame as lame gets.

 

For real though!!

 

Second way: reacting to your concerns as he did, getting into the "hotness" comparisons. Yawn. That's frat boy stuff, boring stuff, stuff to shrug off with a laugh.

 

Couldn't agree more.

 

He's an idiot.

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This entire situation is pretty messed up. You essentially had a one date with a huge side of drama. I wouldn't be asking who is right or wrong, because this entire dynamic is wrong, so I'd just walk away from this.

 

Wasting 3 months on chit chat may seem and feel like you have a deeper connection but you really don't. After just one date, there is way too much drama, conflict, and overall shady behavior. No reason to try and sort this out, just walk away.

 

I'd also add that in the future, if the guy isn't setting up a date fairly quickly, like in a week or two, stop wasting your time and walk away, unless there is some mutually legitimate reason you can't meet in that time frame. Keep online chit chat short and meet in person quickly - coffee, happy hour and then decide if this person is worth an actual date in the future. This approach will save you a lot of grief. Stay away from developing extended online "connections" as that leads to a false sense of intimacy you don't actually have.

 

I'm fairly new to dating and I took 3 months as a good things as he was not rushing into anything and giving me time. But now it looks like a massive waste of my time. It feels like has his understanding of me over the past 3 months and a date went down in 1 conflict.

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Sorry about all this.

 

Easiest read, to my eyes? You've learned, very quickly, that this is not a man worth your time. Always a bummer, and I'm sure the sting is a bit more potent than usual because of those 3 months talking. Still, facts here are facts: you had one nice date, and, prior to setting up the other one, he showed you in more ways than one that he's a bozo.

 

First way: sending you photos of him with women. Makes no sense. As lame as lame gets.

 

Second way: reacting to your concerns as he did, getting into the "hotness" comparisons. Yawn. That's frat boy stuff, boring stuff, stuff to shrug off with a laugh.

 

So, yeah, a bummer. But better to know all this now than to discover it as real connection, and real attachment forms.

 

He said, he sent me those pictures to show the how the funny hat attracted women to it and those women in the pic had it on. So I'm unsure if the pic is really about the women or the hat. :eek:

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Sorry to hear this. What was the hold up in first meeting? Social isolation was not an issues as far back as 3 mos ago. How old is he? Calling you "controlling" and "jealous" after one date is as much of a red flag as stalling to meet and sending you pics of women. Sadly too much texting before meeting gave you a false sense of things.

 

At least you are able to make this a one-and-done and can now move on from him. If you can't have a candid conversation that indicates this can just die out. Delete and block him and all his people from all your messaging apps, social media and devices. Also, in the future, keep old baggage in the past. no

I went on a date with a man whom I've been texting for 3 months. We first met it was a very nice first date, we spend 5 hours just talking and walking.

So I did mention to him over text that I was not comfortable him sending me pics of random strangers who I don't know. He took it wrongly and thought I was controlling

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Sorry to hear this. What was the hold up in first meeting? Social isolation was not an issues as far back as 3 mos ago. How old is he? Calling you "controlling" and "jealous" after one date is as much of a red flag as stalling to meet and sending you pics of women. Sadly too much texting before meeting gave you a false sense of things.

 

At least you are able to make this a one-and-done and can now move on from him. If you can't have a candid conversation that indicates this can just die out. Delete and block him and all his people from all your messaging apps, social media and devices. Also, in the future, keep old baggage in the past. no

 

We started texting from Jan and we met just before the lockdown. He is 41 and I am 33.

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He said, he sent me those pictures to show the how the funny hat attracted women to it and those women in the pic had it on. So I'm unsure if the pic is really about the women or the hat. :eek:

 

Po-ta-to, po-tah-to.

 

Dude is a dunce. There are plenty out there, along with plenty of dunce-ettes. Let him find one, and be excited about future encounters with non-dunces. You're easing back into dating, have learned that 90 days of chitchat, fun as it may be, adds up to nothing. Cool. A lesson to live.

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We started texting from Jan and we met just before the lockdown. He is 41 and I am 33.
41! And he's comparing hotness? Using a hat to prove he attracts women? Takes no initiative to make a date and then act like he's doing you some big consideration?

 

This guy is a loser! LOSER! At 41, a man should be a little more in touch with what is actually important like kindness & respect for others. Not some BS like this.

 

This man will be alone for a long time.... You can definitely find better.

 

Don't correct guys that do lame things. For one, they just turn it around on you. And its like why bother with that? And two, you know everything you need to know.

 

If you have to explain, after one meeting what he should or should text you, take that as proof positive, there are way too many other things you will need to explain and some things, you just cant explain.

 

A person is either of your caliber or not. You can't teach class, tact, or respect.

 

Consider yourself lucky!

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So he was playing you for 3 months to get you hooked on him BEFORE you actually met. I wonder how many other women he was talking to at the same time and is still talking too.

 

If you are looking for a relationship or at the very least dating that could lead to a relationship you need to spot this sort of thing much sooner. I have had similar things happen to me but I cut them off for my own good. It is like once they know you are on the hook they turn their attention to the other lines in the water and check on you once in a while to make sure you are still hooked.

 

This guy is used to going through a lot of women because he is a jerk. He can attract them and fool them for a while but then his character and true nature surface. If he has dated so many "Hot" women then why isn't he with one of them???

 

You didn't do anything wrong other than waste 2 months of your time on this guy. Live and learn right?

 

Look back I bet there were some red flags weren't there?

 

Lost

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"and jealous (because they are better looking)" He said this? He is an azzhole and loser.

 

You should be meeting within a week or two. If you had sussed him out earlier, you would have seen who he is.

 

I think that it is odd that he is sending you the pics of the women. I think that he was trying to make you feel insecure.

 

Good riddance.

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Tanya,

 

Uh oh. :eek: This guy is red flags all over the place!

 

He doesn't know how to treat you with respect if it hit him on the head! :upset:

 

So let me get this straight. You finally date this texting guy after 3 months and he has no qualms sending you pics of a few random attractive women wearing the same hat. If that wasn't bad enough, he also sent you random pics of women whom he worked with. Yes indeed, this guy is odd. Stay away and avoid weird men!

 

Then he engages in gaslighting you (by changing your perception of the facts), deflects blame and fault by telling YOU that YOU as "controlling" and "jealous." (Google: "Gaslighting.") Wow, what a guy! Stop wasting your time and energy on him because he's not worth it.

 

He needs to take a long walk on a short pier.

 

You need to dump him!

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I'm fairly new to dating and I took 3 months as a good things as he was not rushing into anything and giving me time. But now it looks like a massive waste of my time. It feels like has his understanding of me over the past 3 months and a date went down in 1 conflict.

 

Well....lesson learned. Men who drag their feet about meeting you is not a good thing at all. People who are ready to date, set up dates fast, those who play games....do what this jackazz is doing -play games. The minute you have to teach a grown man how to behave is your clue to simply run for the hills. In the future, skip telling a guy what is and isn't right, just next him and spare yourself the mind games. When it comes to meeting people from online, you really have to learn to become ruthless, discerning, and quick to dismiss losers because you will encounter many or those. Easiest way to weed out losers is to meet up quickly for something light - coffee, happy hour, juice bar. Basically something where you can see each other face to face, gauge chemistry and see if there is enough there to set up a proper date. If not, if they drag their feet, if they show you any kind of shady behavior - do not overthink it, just next him.

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I'd also add that in the future, if the guy isn't setting up a date fairly quickly, like in a week or two, stop wasting your time and walk away, unless there is some mutually legitimate reason you can't meet in that time frame. Keep online chit chat short and meet in person quickly - coffee, happy hour and then decide if this person is worth an actual date in the future. This approach will save you a lot of grief. Stay away from developing extended online "connections" as that leads to a false sense of intimacy you don't actually have.

 

This is so key.

 

I would also add that it’s okay in modern Western culture for women to ask for/suggest a date, too!

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I did use to think that it is odd to be either not married and never had a long term relationship at 41. The initial red flag was when he said "My ex used to get jealous when I talk about pretty girls, then I found out that she was cheating on me so she was thinking I was doing the same too". I found that reason so odd

 

1. Why did you girlfriend cheat and not breakup with you, coz you were not married

2. Why are you talking about "pretty" girls to your wife all the time

 

In fact I never asked these question as they might be intrusive. But in the end I was coined to be controlling and jealous and he ghosted me just like that with no explanation.

I really feel gutted for wasting 3 months of my time emotionally invested.

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"My ex used to get jealous when I talk about pretty girls, then I found out that she was cheating on me so she was thinking I was doing the same too". I found that reason so odd

 

Ha! My ex used to say the exact same thing, and you know what? He was the bigger cheater I ever knew. This guy is a rotten apple, really easy to see that.

 

If he's this old and nothing has worked out for him, there's a good chance there's something majorly wrong with him.

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