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Thread: He’s in therapy and promised to change. Should I take him back?

  1. #21
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    He abused her for months. No one suddenly becomes not-abusive after a few therapy sessions.

    I don't think it's a good idea to encourage anyone to even entertain the idea of returning to an abuser.
    Your opinion is a solid one and I respect that.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    Caveat: I did not read the other thread op linked to.

    I will be the lone voice here. I don’t know if it’s been long enough in your ex’s particular situation to really make much progress, but if you truly still have feelings for him I would say it’s okay to have an open mind to the possibility of real change.

    First of all people on this forum suggest therapy left and right, every day, all the time. The reason they do that is because they know if somebody really undertakes the journey of change that it works. If it didn’t work, these wise folks would not suggest it.

    Also, as a recovered alcoholic I’ve experienced a fundamental and profound change in own life...so I know it’s possible. Just ask my family, boss, neighbors, etc. haha the list could go on....

    So while I wouldn’t personally jump right back into it with him, I would save a little space for hope in my heart and let him DEMONSTRATE that he can be calm, rational and NOT desperate. If he learns to be content with himself and develops a sense of centeredness in his life, why not date him? Just wouldn’t hold my breath and in the meantime I would work on cultivating my own sense of “okayness” too. Maybe with some time apart with little or no contact?

    Good luck!

    He was abusive the entire time they dated. It is not like she even has a good side to refer to. He set her up. Knew she was dating another and used it against her. He also knew who to target and manipulate. He is abusive and a bully.

    OP, Please reflect on why you would allow someone to treat you like this. The entire relationship was bad.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Nobody here is living your love life for you, so nobody else's vote counts. How do YOU feel about the idea of getting involved with him again?

    That's your only compass. Pay attention to it.

  4. #24
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    They think I shouldn’t get back with him and that I deserve better.

    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    What do they think? Why doesn't your family know?

    BTW, you did nothing wrong, as you were not together.

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  6. #25
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    Why, even when he abused me and treated me terribly, do I still feel hurt and jealous when I think of him with another girl? I feel like it should be common sense for me not to go back to him yet here I am, contemplating it...

  7. #26
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    Why, even when he abused me and treated me terribly, do I still feel hurt and jealous when I think of him with another girl? I feel like it should be common sense for me not to go back to him yet here I am, contemplating it...
    Well, what have you done to help yourself stop wanting an abuser? What therapy have you attended (colleges offer therapy free or at very low cost)? You won't even tell your family! Because if you did they'd give you crap for still wanting him.

    Are there absolutely no attractive men at your school? He is the one and only man there?

  8. #27
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    It has to do with low self worth. This guy has torn down your value and self esteem.

    I second getting some professional help. Please tell your family, as you need additional support to keep you away from this creep. You also need to block and delete him.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 03-28-2020 at 04:59 PM.

  9. #28
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    Check this out:

    [Register to see the link]

  10. #29
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    He will only go to therapy until you say "yes, i believe you will change, i will take you back". Then it will stop. you will have 1-2 blissful months and then he will be back treating you far more poorly than before. I was in an abusive relationship. I know. you are better than this. If he really wanted to change, he would definitely not bark up the same tree and ask you back.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    He will only go to therapy until you say "yes, i believe you will change, i will take you back". Then it will stop. you will have 1-2 blissful months and then ....
    Or blissful minutes. Until it occurs to you that it isn't really him you want--you just don't want him taking up with someone else.

    As you mentioned above, that seems to be your big barrier to moving forward: you don't want anyone else to have him. Well, what if you just stopped thinking about that and focused instead on what you want YOUR future to look like?

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