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Thread: He’s in therapy and promised to change. Should I take him back?

  1. #11
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    I know this and I am definitely not proud of what I did. I’ve apologized to him a lot and tried to fix things. However, he did ask me during our talking stage if I was seeing anyone else and I told him I was. But I can still see how what I did was hurtful and I do regret it.

    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    The therapy he is having now and the lessons he learnt with you, is to improve himself for some other woman in the future.
    You and he will not work a second time around.

    I can also see why he felt so insecure. I don't feel as though you behaved very well either. Hooking up with someone else while talking to another man, isn't exactly great behavior and in future, I hope you learnt a lesson to on how your choices could affect someone someday.

    But as for you and he..those days are done.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to speak with a trusted adult on the matter. Teacher, counselor, relative etc.

    Educate yourself: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    My friends know, family don’t.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    somegirl, both of you need to heal, and unfortunately, you cannot heal together.

    This is the type of situation that it went from bad to worse and stayed that way. No amount of talking is going to undo what's been done.
    It is sad for both of you, as I am sure you both have regrets, but you both have to come to terms with the fact that it is now over.

    It is painful, for sure. But it is something both of you are going to have to let go of now.

  4. #14
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    No, I would not take him back. You are way too young to commit yourself to someone you have such a rough history with.

    Instead, I would wish him the best on his journey and part ways. You can take the lessons you learned here and move forward, and someday on to a healthy relationship with a guy who is already emotionally mature and healthy.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    My friends know, family don’t.

    What do they think? Why doesn't your family know?

    BTW, you did nothing wrong, as you were not together.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 03-27-2020 at 02:25 PM.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by somegirl313
    I know this and I am definitely not proud of what I did. I’ve apologized to him a lot and tried to fix things. However, he did ask me during our talking stage if I was seeing anyone else and I told him I was. But I can still see how what I did was hurtful and I do regret it.
    I really, really hope that some day you will look back on these words and forgive yourself for being so hard on yourself, for punishing yourself like this, since you'd have come to see how warped your perception of yourself became inside this dynamic.

    You were single, with zero obligations. You made no promises, had no commitment. In short, you have nothing—nothing—to regret. Sure, yeah, maybe you behave differently in future dating scenarios, but that's not to atone for some kind of sin but just to connect more authentically and be your most authentic self. The work-in-progress stuff, not the whip-yourself stuff.

    A man with a lick of integrity and maturity would not punish you for those false sins, would not make you feel the way you have felt, not for a minute. If it was too much for him, he would accept that personal truth, and bow out gracefully. It is that simple, and it's a thing that happens between people, in dating, a million times a day. Heck, if you were a year into a committed relationship and cheated on a man with a lick of integrity and maturity, he would just break up with you, for good, gracefully. No drama, no punishment. Just a hard, firm goodbye.

    This guy, for reasons it will take him real time in therapy to understand? He wanted to hurt you. He wanted you to hurt. That instinct—to process your own hurt by hurting others—is about as dangerous as it gets. It's petty, vindictive, and controlling. A close sibling to that danger? Being open to being hurt, assigning value to that hurt, and calling that hurt love, as you've done with him. That's two people finding toxic sides in each other and triggering them, over and over.

    Some people, even good people, are toxic together. It's another thing that happens a million times a day, and it's a sad thing. If you are hellbent on not labeling him a monster, which I can understand, as I don't believe most people are awful, then I really suggest you challenge yourself to accept that you plus him equals something toxic. If you think of your history together as a laboratory experiment, in which two chemicals are poured into a beaker over and over again, then what you know is that the result is volatile, explosive, never actually stable. Happens. But you don't find stability by conducting the same experiment, but moving on to new ones.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    He told you last time you reconciled with him he would change. He promised to. Then he didn't. So this is not the first time you've wanted to get back together with him.

    The same thing that happened the last time you reconciled will happen again. And it will the next time, and the next time after that.

    I get that you feel you love him, but seriously, there are other guys out there, guys who do not abuse.

    Please consider therapy to understand why you believe you still love a guy who abused you.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    somegirl313,

    I read your previous post per your link.

    Both of you are incompatible.

    Your heart's not into him and no amount of your force to be with him will make you happy despite his groveling.

    Give him the courtesy by telling him that it's time for both of you to go your separate ways. If continues to be relentless, seriously go NC (no contact), ghost, delete and block him permanently.

  10. #19
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Caveat: I did not read the other thread op linked to.

    I will be the lone voice here. I don’t know if it’s been long enough in your ex’s particular situation to really make much progress, but if you truly still have feelings for him I would say it’s okay to have an open mind to the possibility of real change.

    First of all people on this forum suggest therapy left and right, every day, all the time. The reason they do that is because they know if somebody really undertakes the journey of change that it works. If it didn’t work, these wise folks would not suggest it.

    Also, as a recovered alcoholic I’ve experienced a fundamental and profound change in own life...so I know it’s possible. Just ask my family, boss, neighbors, etc. haha the list could go on....

    So while I wouldn’t personally jump right back into it with him, I would save a little space for hope in my heart and let him DEMONSTRATE that he can be calm, rational and NOT desperate. If he learns to be content with himself and develops a sense of centeredness in his life, why not date him? Just wouldn’t hold my breath and in the meantime I would work on cultivating my own sense of “okayness” too. Maybe with some time apart with little or no contact?

    Good luck!

  11. #20
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    Caveat: I did not read the other thread op linked to.

    I will be the lone voice here. I don’t know if it’s been long enough in your ex’s particular situation to really make much progress, but if you truly still have feelings for him I would say it’s okay to have an open mind to the possibility of real change.

    First of all people on this forum suggest therapy left and right, every day, all the time. The reason they do that is because they know if somebody really undertakes the journey of change that it works. If it didn’t work, these wise folks would not suggest it.

    Also, as a recovered alcoholic I’ve experienced a fundamental and profound change in own life...so I know it’s possible. Just ask my family, boss, neighbors, etc. haha the list could go on....

    So while I wouldn’t personally jump right back into it with him, I would save a little space for hope in my heart and let him DEMONSTRATE that he can be calm, rational and NOT desperate. If he learns to be content with himself and develops a sense of centeredness in his life, why not date him? Just wouldn’t hold my breath and in the meantime I would work on cultivating my own sense of “okayness” too. Maybe with some time apart with little or no contact?

    Good luck!
    He abused her for months. No one suddenly becomes not-abusive after a few therapy sessions.

    I don't think it's a good idea to encourage anyone to even entertain the idea of returning to an abuser.

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