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Thread: Partner is very emotional and clingy all the time.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MazdaMan2020
    Wiseman2,

    No she has no options to stay anywhere except her parent's house, she has issues with her mother as she gets on everybody's nerves by bossing people around and repeating herself all the time. So the last place my partner would go is back there.
    Interesting......does it not occur to you that your gf is behaving exactly the same way toward you? Controlling, demanding, manipulating, etc.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, now that you entangled things with this house, it won't be that easy. Can you buy her out and stay there or can she buy you out. It doesn't help to run around complaining about her to everyone making her out as the wicked witch.

    Lets face it you're not a victim. You also don't seem to want to improve things or cooperate. Moaning about her to anyone who'll listen is passive-aggressive and cowardly. You've been coasting along in this for more than half a decade and now bought a run down house together with zero foresight as to how to fix it or pay for things.
    Originally Posted by MazdaMan2020
    A lot of people are telling me to pack up and get out of Dodge.

  3. #13
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    You should have stayed broken up.

    If you want to continue, you need to sit her down and have a serious discussion regarding the problem. You also need to stop enabling her insecurities. If things do not improve, then you will have to end things, as this is an unhealthy situation. Thank god there are no kids in the picture.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Overall, I agree with your friends in that you need to get out of Dodge and should have stayed broken up the first time you broke up. Taking her back was a huge mistake on your part and I don't think you should keep on with that mistake for a lifetime. This is not going to get better for you, only worse.

    It's one thing if you can talk to your partner, discuss your issues and come up with a way forward so you are both happy. When you are with someone who refuses that and shuts you down in an intentionally manipulative way by saying "oh you just don't like me", you really don't have a way to work things out. You don't even have a way to communicate properly about basic life issues.

    I mean if are not ready to leave, you can fire one last shot and mean it - ignore her tears and bs and tell her straightforward that if she continues to behave and treat you this way, you will be gone. Don't say it though unless you really will be done and gone, otherwise you'll just teach her that your words mean nothing. iN a way you already taught her that way back when you took her back because....tears....

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    MissCanuk's post—#4—is pure gold. I'd read it a few dozen times and see what sticks.

    Being completely honest, though? I can't help but see that as a terrific guide for, well, for maybe your next relationship. It is simply very, very hard to change a dynamic that has existed for 6 years, like taking a sitcom and rewriting it as a drama with all the same characters. What "works" with you two, in other words, is also what doesn't work. Her tantrums, your capitulation, simmering nerves and resentment on both sides: over and over and over, year after year. That there is an engine that is humming, but sadly the fuel is toxic, since you are each triggering and validating sides in the other that neither of you like. If you were both brutally honest right now, I suspect you'd find that your most common ground is being deeply unhappy in this relationship.

    Can that unhappiness be a bonding point? To me that's the question, meaning: Can you both agree that this is not working—not the stuff of marriage—and then agree to give yourself a certain amount of time (6 months, say) to see about fixing the engine and the fuel, together? That looks like humbly admitting you're both at a loss and getting help from therapists, individual and together, and seeing if that help can teach you to connect with different fibers: healthy ones, not toxic ones. Really tricky part? That path I just described has to sound somewhat thrilling and worthwhile, to both of you. Otherwise it's just playacting, more of the same: gritting your teeth and further conditioning yourself to equate "committed relationship" with "torture." Many people do this, with thousands of sitcoms premised around the idea that marriage is misery, but it's not the only way. While all relationships do take "work," as the saying goes, that doesn't mean they need to feel like hauling bricks. Ideally it's more like the work of writing a novel, than something that that breaks the back and spirit.

    While your situation reminded MissCanuk of her bother, it reminds me of my best friend. He spent 10 years, the entirety of his 20s, in a relationship that was good for a year, and then...less good every year after. They were both type-A personalities, obsessed with "working things out," and so the bulk of their relationship was spent seeing if they could make something work that didn't quite work, holding their breath in the present in hopes of exhaling, at some point, in the future.

    I never understood it, honestly. They always struck me as two decent people who, together, were indecent, but both too stubborn and codependent to admit that. They got engaged—which was kind of the last Hail Mary. My friend confided in me that he thought he needed to ask her to marry her to...realize they would never actually work. I told him what I'd tell you: to not react to that thought right away, but also not to ignore it, since it is much easier to end an engagement than a marriage. They ultimately ended it. Both are much happier today.

    Moral of that story, to my eyes? It is simply much easier to be in a relationship with someone with whom you are genuinely compatible with, rather than a relationship where you're not. This is something people often learn by being in a relationship (maybe more than one) that feels the way yours feels: round hole, square peg, constant friction. I can only imagine how hard it is to consider the idea that this relationship, for both of you, might be best seen as teaching you that lesson. Though here in the bleacher seats? That's my gut read: that you have spent some early years in a romance that has taught you a lot about how you don't want romance to look and feel. A bitter pill to swallow right now, but not swallowing might lead to more bitterness. You're only 20something. You have 60 more years of life ahead of you.

    So, I see two options: You can try to apply those lessons to this romance, and see if it can change shape to become livable. You do that with an open mind and open heart, but also with honesty. If it gets better, great. If it doesn't—sad, very, but also great. It means you've both learned that you don't work, which will be the first step toward working toward a life that does. Might not be with each other, but you can thank each other for those lessons, along with what I'm sure are plenty of wonderful times and history.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    What would I do in your shoes? When you're both in a mellow mood, sit on the couch and hold her hand and say: I love you and want this to work, but things can't go on as they are. I love spending time with you, but I also value alone time, and time spent with my guy friends. I'm going to make that happen for my own mental health. I'm going to plan a guy's night out once a month (or day, on your weekend day off). When I get home from work, I'd like an hour to myself to destress, and check my e-mails, etc., and don't want any questions of when I'll be done, to be rushed. (Or if you want to have an actual schedule of Tuesdays and Thursdays to be concrete about it, instead of daily). I want for us to do our own thing once a month on a Sunday, because I feel smothered being joined at the hip 24/7.

    You have to make your own needs known, and yes, they are reasonable. If a partner can't respect that, and battles you with crying because she knows your spine collapses like a wet noodle, then why you should settle for a life of suffocating frustration? At this watershed moment, if you don't back down, she will likely see how serious you are this time, and perhaps change for the better. If not, know you did what you had to do, laying out everything in an important discussion, and gave her a choice to improve things in the relationship.

    If you can afford counseling and have the time to go, I'd strongly suggest that as a last resort before throwing in the towel. If you can't afford the house on your own, sell it. As a side note, six hours of sleep a night isn't healthy and it will catch up to you eventually. I'd try going to bed earlier.

    Don't marry and hope for change. Your relationship has been like this for 5 years, so what you see is what you get. Get this sorted out now and don't move forward unless your discussion bares good results in the long run. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Yeah so PROTIP:

    If you've got little or no savings, don't squander it on the lowest bidding contractor. And during a pandemic, it's generally a good idea not having an entire work crew you don't know coming in and out of your house. Just kinda basic common sense. Please ignore and imploring that you risk your financial and physical health because your girlfriend doesn't like the kitchen. Needing a makeover =/= TLC. Plenty of homes scream "1950s" but are perfectly livable and functional. You're not responsible for her decision to not just buy a house she wasn't immediately comfortable in, but to also immediately move in absent necessity.

    That isn't saying you're not lacking your own culpability. I don't know anything about you beyond what you've written. I do know that buying a house when borderline broke is its own bad decision. Doing so with someone with whom you've been suffering this dynamic going on years now takes that bad decision to a whole other level. I can't tell you what to do, but I'd at the very, very least have whatever wedding date you've got postponed indefinitely. Honestly though, I'd seriously look into reselling it. Look into the tiniest things you could do yourself at little cost to touch the house and the yard up. You've already made a very questionable investment of your time and money with her. Now's not the time I'd go about doubling down.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    If you have a married couple with kids who have encountered some rough waters, then yes, by all means do counseling to try and give it your all to sort things out. However, counseling for an unmarried couple just trying to force the relationship to work? Sorry, but no and no. If you need counseling to force your relationship to work, it's your giant flashing neon sign that you are not compatible and the solution is to part ways instead of hammering and hammering at that round peg square hole problem.

    The point of dating and relationships is NOT to force things to work no matter what, it's to determine if you are in fact compatible and can live happily together for the long term. If you find that you don't mesh, you walk away from each other and seek better suited partners elsewhere respectively. It doesn't make either person bad, just not suited to each other.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by MazdaMan2020
    Wiseman2,

    No she has no options to stay anywhere except her parent's house, she has issues with her mother as she gets on everybody's nerves by bossing people around and repeating herself all the time. So the last place my partner would go is back there.
    So essentially, you are marrying her mother. Take a good look at the mom, because that's who she's become.

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