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Thread: Quarantaine days

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I agree with Blue. This is a great test of your fortitude. Its easy to put things behind you when your traveling the world, having a great time.

    Now is when you take that new you and new more positive outlook and you bring it home to your every day "normal" life and routine.

    Don't let this pandemic and scary time set you back. The point of moving on, is to move on for good.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I've never once gotten back with an ex. If he broke up with me, he didn't care enough to work on problems together, or he had different dating/life goals than me, so we didn't match. If I broke up with him, I'd thought long and hard on that important decision, and it was for a good reason and was best for myself.

    It's extremely rare for on again, off again relationships to work out. I'd rather risk my heart on someone new.

    It usually takes an epiphany for someone's bad behavior to change for the better in a major way. Not something to count on. I know my friend broke up with her bf because he was speaking to exes. They eventually got back together and bought a house together. After a year and a half, he went back to the same behavior, talking to exes, and she had to buy him out of the house.

    Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

    It's normally taken me a minimum of 4 months to be able to move on after a breakup with no contact. You're subjecting yourself to limbo and continuing feelings when you allow him access to your social media. You will be missing opportunities while remaining within this dead zone. Because you can't begin to be open to opening the door to new possibilities when you have your foot squarely stuck in the back door.

    The right guy will never leave you, not even once, or give you cause to end things. But you need to cut the losers loose in order to find the right one. Good luck.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I don't personally think that blocking someone is closing the door to "real contact." Almost the opposite: it's opening up the door to "real" contact—first within, and by extension with others. Because the "contact" you're presently describing and thinking about? It is not real, and the more we indulge in what is not real—and particularly if that indulgence triggers real feelings—then we are inherently moving further and further away from reality, conditioning ourselves to experience real feelings through falsehoods. We are taking what is real and turning it into a game where everyone loses, a maze where everyone just gets lost.

    If "all" you want to do is talk to him? Well, you can reach out and tell him exactly that. And you see how he responds. No laws against that, and I write this as someone who counts among my best friends a woman who was my girlfriend many, many moons ago. Or you can dig deep and acknowledge that you may not quite want that—not know, maybe not ever, which is okay—and that what you really want is more primal, more human, which is to know that he still thinks about you, cares, feels things, is wrestling with questions just as you are. You want to know that pipe is still there to take a hit from.

    To which I am confident in telling you: yes, he does, and is.

    I am 40. I care about my eighth grade girlfriend, along with someone I broke up with three years ago. I talk to neither, and the latter is blocked, not out of malice, but because I recognized that that open door just closed me off from metabolizing that period in my past in a way that allowed me to be present, which inherently limited my future. I hope those human beings are doing well on planet earth, am grateful for the time we had, their influence on my life. I'm sorry for some things too, of course, and every so often I have to wrestle with a question or two from the past in the confines of my spirit. But I take comfort in knowing that those stumbles taught me some lessons, and I'm a better person today for slipping and learning to stand up again.

    No need to validate all that in a story view, you know? Since to my mind it would just invalidate it.

    Exes think about exes, feel things for exes. That was the case 1,000 years ago, and will be the case 1,000 years from now. We happen to be living in a moment where that very human reality can be indulged impulsively, which is dangerous. Where it was once the poets who wrestled with their pasts and past heartaches, today we are all poets with our fingertips on screens, scrolling through a list of names and spinning stories in our heads. Keep in mind, however, that many of those poets were drunks, drug addicts, tortured souls who struggled to live in the present and were pretty awful to be around. But, hey, they made some poems. Scrolling and ruminating? It doesn't even add up to that. It just adds up to more sand through the fingers.

    Along with Lambert, I say see this little moment as a challenge, and rise up to meet it, trusting that you will soon be thanking yourself for that growth spurt. I have run from pain with the best of them—crossing the planet, jumping out of planes, tearing it up on a motorcycle. But it's learning to sit with it, and learning that it can just pass through you, where you find the real juice of self-empowerment, the real salve that is healing instead of running.

    Lots of words that suddenly remind me of a meme, or tweet, or something that crossed my own social media feed the other day. A quote from a famous female comedian to the effect of: "No matter how bored you are, DON'T text your ex right now." Same could be said for viewing their stories, of course. Your ex may not have that wisdom, but you can embrace it.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    One thing to add:

    Imagine if Instagram did not have a function that told you who viewed your stories—if instead of names, there was just a number at the bottom of the screen. If that was the case, you wouldn't be spinning the way you are now, which is to say that you are spinning the way you are primarily because a handful of clever employees of the Facebook Corporation came up with a way to make their product even more addictive.

    I like remembering that, because it demystifies it all a bit.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I understand your reluctance to block him, but....you would finally free yourself, cut that cord. As scary as it may be you might find it rather uplifting to finally let this all go for good. It's a decision and just like every decision, it's not easy to make or act on. A bit like standing on the edge of the pool and you know the water is a bit cold, but once you jump in....it's exhilarating and fun and you don't feel the cold.

    This tenuous quasi-connection that you are keeping around is not beneficial anymore, quite the opposite - it's making you feel bad and sad and down, especially so during this stressful time of quarantines and uncertainty. It's turned a corner where now it's plain harmful to you. This is really no longer about him or what he does, it's about you choosing to let this go at long last. To turn a fresh page in your life.

    The freedom in your travels? Give yourself the same freedom now in terms of relationships. You can't form new ones, when you are still stuck on the old no matter how tenuous that may be. Let it go and open your heart and mind fully to new possibilities, new horizons, new opportunities, new people, new sights.

    The quarantine is temporary. Rather than turning to social media, think of other to do lists, projects, something to occupy not just your mind but your hands as well. If you've ever wanted to learn something new, there are tons of online courses being offered up for free from prestigious universities. If you want to occupy yourself in a healthy way, there really is plenty you can do outside of distressing yourself with long ago ex's and social media.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yes, it is an adjustment for sure. People are struggling with social isolation, working from home. The big outing is supermarkets standing on line a meter apart with workers wearing masks. The news is not about visible enemies, but a silent killer.

    Dating is non-dating. Existing relationships can get strained. Everything is unknown in a new situation. Plans are canceled. There is a new abnormal normal.

    The best thing you can do is reconnect to friends, family, coworkers etc through social media. Reach out to people. Ask how people you haven't talked to in a while are doing. Don't let boredom or isolation guide you down the wrong roads. But use it to catch up on things.
    Originally Posted by JoyceVib
    During my travels the virus came up, and instead of staying there I had to change plans real fast and come back home again. Downside is that for some reason, my ex got back his social media and started to watch my stories again. I hope he would say something but he probably wont. It messes with my head, sometimes Im thinking about sending him a message.

  8. #17
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    Do yourself a big favor, block and delete this guy.

    Reach out to friends, finish up projects around the home, and get outside for exercise. These things are more productive and positive, than agonizing over someones viewing habits.

  9. #18
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    You said he lives in another country, how much time did you spend together?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I agree with others, block him permanently. Then he will fade away from your brain and become "out of sight, out of mind."

    I was once you. Granted, my story is not the same as yours. However, whenever I've parted ways with anyone for life regardless of who it was, it took time and this is what you need to give yourself: time. Time heals old wounds. You have a lot of time during this COVID-19 pandemic so take advantage of it.

    Turn your cell phone, PC, desktop, Internet, social media, all of it "OFF" because it's a huge time trap which is tremendous wasted time and energy. Become productive and industrious, exercise, read a book (not e-book), hobbies, engage in intellectual pursuits and preoccupy yourself with busy, healthy distractions. Declutter, clean, organize and get your home in order. Now is a good time to do it.

    Then he and bad memories will become a blur. Between time and busyness, there are many days or months where I don't even think about despicable people from my past anymore. Create your own happiness. That's what my mother taught me. She said: "Happiness is found in small places."

  11. #20
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    Hi OP,

    I can relate to everything you are saying. Me ex-gf broke up with me 9 months ago (for the 2nd time). I couldn't delete her too. But after a few months I deleted her from Facebook, a few months later I removed her from my followers on instagram.
    But I too am having a difficult time to make my profile private and not public. Why? The simple reason to know if she still checks my stories. Why again? Because you think they still care for you if they check your stories. You'll see it as a sign they still love you.
    And yes they still care, but viewing your instagramstories isn't a sign that they love you. If they wanted to be with you, they would reach out to you. And as long as they don't reach out, please put your profile private.

    I bet you are posting some stories just to know if your ex is still watching them or that you are hoping that he would respond.

    Stop it, believe me you will feel relieved.

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