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Thread: Everyone loves my husband

  1. #21
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    Cherylyn, thank you. I know you understand exactly what I'm going through and your words are comforting.
    Bluecastle, that's exactly what I've been thinking the last few days. Getting married, moving across country with him and losing close connections with friends and family while his career has flourished, I feel like he has so much more power in our relationship, which makes it so much worse. Lately, I've been working on regaining my power. I use to feel like such a powerful person, and that has changed. So that's actually been my focus lately, empowering myself and being attentive to my own needs. I'm not really too concerned about him getting counseling or changing. I'm more concerned with changing myself, and we'll see where things go from there. ☺

  2. #22
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    Amazing group this is. Thank you all so much for giving me food for thought and comforting words. It's all very much appreciated. I'm not feeling nearly as alone.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Traes
    Cherylyn, thank you. I know you understand exactly what I'm going through and your words are comforting.
    Bluecastle, that's exactly what I've been thinking the last few days. Getting married, moving across country with him and losing close connections with friends and family while his career has flourished, I feel like he has so much more power in our relationship, which makes it so much worse. Lately, I've been working on regaining my power. I use to feel like such a powerful person, and that has changed. So that's actually been my focus lately, empowering myself and being attentive to my own needs. I'm not really too concerned about him getting counseling or changing. I'm more concerned with changing myself, and we'll see where things go from there. ☺
    My sister is married to a narcissist. She figures it's part of the package deal. She and their 3 children enjoy an affluent lifestyle, they keep up with the Jonses and boast on their annual Christmas photo-card postal mailings that they are the epitome of the ideal marriage and family resplendent of a very deceitful image for all the world to see.

    Since my sister feels entrapped, she makes the best of a bad marriage. She's not willing to give up the trappings of her well-to-do lifestyle. She's busy socially with her divorced girlfriends, church, church serving (volunteering), school volunteerism, her dog, etc. She would be more empowered if she had job skills for full time work and wouldn't have to put up and shut up for the cad.

    I've noticed that power comes from money. With a career, a woman has more choices and she doesn't allow a man to wear the pants in the family. I'm not advising you to divorce. I'm just saying that money gives you more options and creates your financial independence. With money and power, you won't allow anyone to disrespect you anymore.

    If you're hosed and can't change a narcissist, then you'll have to do a work around. Accept him warts and all and carve out your own personal happiness outside your husband's life. Do what makes you happy whether it's fitness, self-improvement, sports, hobbies, intellectual pursuits and other healthy distractions in order to survive mentally.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I'm not seeing how anyone here could responsibly insinuate the guy is a narcissist. Identify and handle your actual marital issues accordingly.

    Some people do swoon for the sake of it, but by and large, it's not some grand theme that an entire network of people get satisfaction from one sided conversation. If everyone you know is having a blast with him, I'm much more inclined to scrutinize the outlier.

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  6. 03-26-2020, 06:43 AM

  7. #25
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Traes
    When I tell him how I feel he states at me blankly like he doesn't know what to do. If I push at all he gets defensive.
    Then you need to start telling him how you feel while using your *I* words and stop using *you* words. e.g. "You make me feel like I'm invisible" Change that up to. "How can I contribute to the conversation so that I'm not feeling like I'm being left out?"
    perhaps if he thinks of the problem as something he can fix/remedy in you, he'll change himself to accommodate your fear/angst/negative feelings in some way?

    Something to try if nothing else.

    BTW: Just because he is popular doesn't make him a narcissist. I wouldn't attach myself to that label of him too tightly unless of course he's been officially diagnosed. I fear you are allowing yourself to become the wallflower to his full in bloom garden instead of flourishing and being the outgoing, happy sunflower you once were.

  8. #26
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    From what I read, sounds just like my mom, just like it, but she's no where near a narcissist. One way to get others to talk is to share a little bit about yourself, for others to feel like they can spill their own beans. It's called charm.

    If other people swoon, it could be you that is jealous. Can you tell me what he may do that puts you down, or doesn't care about you?

    I also find you can trust people who are always talking about themselves, because they are way too busy talking about themselves, and don't talk about you behind your back. You may just not actually like your husband. I mean think of this way, after 17 years, what has changed that you are finally try to work out why he is the way he is?

  9. #27
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    So, how old are the two of you anyway?

    Does he mistreat you?

    Is it possible that he just is shmoozing more successfully than you do?

    Honestly, none of us can make a diagnosis of narcissism. Nope.

    Is it possible that you have become irritated with how your husband behaves with others compared to yourself for other reasons than some kind of flaw in him?

  10. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok so he's recently puffing and boasting, so? There will always be name-droppers, and people who want to be in the spotlight, know-it-alls, etc.. Why not up your self esteem through things you do well? What hobbies, interests, activities, talents, etc do you have that you could spend more time with?

    Do not live vicariously through him or in anyone's shadow.. Live your own life on your own terms. This isn't about him or his recent name-dropping. There are always people who want to keep up with the Jones's and need to say 'the Benz' instead of car.🙄
    Originally Posted by Traes
    But recently with this new position at the university it's gotten worse.

  11. #29
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    I'm not getting narcissist either, not that i am a professional by any stretch. He may be a smooth,slippery and attention seeking son of a gun but i'm getting nothing messed up and evil from him.

    You even said yourself he's good man most the time. Perhaps he's so damn smooth it's irksome and grinds your gears, i can get that. This is just some peoples character. Social dynamite. Seems to roll around in muck and always come out shining.

    I know people like him. It does grate but not evil for me As for the false front i think we all do that to some extent.

  12. #30
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    I'm not seeing how anyone here could responsibly insinuate the guy is a narcissist. Identify and handle your actual marital issues accordingly.

    Some people do swoon for the sake of it, but by and large, it's not some grand theme that an entire network of people get satisfaction from one sided conversation. If everyone you know is having a blast with him, I'm much more inclined to scrutinize the outlier.
    According to what OP stated, he fits quite a number of the official criteria for NPD. That's why we believe he is a narcissist.

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