Not enough energy to talk

There is one person who I most wanted to talk to. I've been alone for 3 weeks with my only social interaction being work related. It's only partly because of coronavirus. I broke up with my boyfriend 3 weeks ago and I lost my modest social network, or at least I don't feel like answering questions about why.

I told my friend about the 3 weeks of only work talk and asked if he was available to speak on the phone. He said he didn't have the energy for chit chat. I feel hurt. I didn't realize talking to me required much energy.

I live with my mom and her husband and they were on their yearly Florida trip when the virus worries started ramping up, so they are staying there for now. This is a big house for one person. I'm normally a quiet introvert and I don't shy from being alone. It feels like too much right now, though.

I looked forward to talking to him all day. Didn't see it coming. I tend to make excuses for people when I shouldn't. I'm conflicted. He posted a status update earlier yesterday asking rhetorically if others knew the feeling of a broken heart, because that is how he felt. He deleted it minutes later. He could be going through something he doesn't want to get into with me. Something seems to have happened, a woman or a broken dream.

I told him I saw the update and I wouldn't push for details, but I was sending best wishes and I want happiness for him. No kind of response. No thank you, or talk to you later. I'm worried for him. Could he really be so sad or depressed that I shouldn't read anything personal into it? Or does it still literally mean talking to me is draining?

While I know something is hurting him and I am concerned, now I feel a bit broken hearted, too. We're friends, I thought talking to me was pleasant enough, surely not something draining. I don't know how to handle both his pain and mine. I could be being selfish.

If my work gets put on hold due to the virus there is nothing to stop me from burying my head up the pillow and not coming out for a long time. I had a bad day. I got so angry and I'm self aware enough to realize it only became such a big deal because I felt hurt. I stayed up past 3 am remembering my old heartbreak. Yes, my friend. I know having a broken heart. It happened 8 years ago and you are never the same again.

Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about? Try to reach out to other friends, family for support. What happened 8 years ago? How close are you and this friend?

I broke up with my boyfriend 3 weeks ago

 

He could be going through something he doesn't want to get into with me. Something seems to have happened, a woman or a broken dream. It happened 8 years ago and you are never the same again.

Are you just friends or lovers? Or former lovers?

When people are going through a tough heartbreak time, some would prefer to self isolate, figure themselves out, adjust and then move forward. Sharing feelings and talking about it can be absolutely draining so I can see where he is coming from. You will just have to find someone else to chit chat with. Join a chat room, play and online game to keep your mind busy. The guy wants to be alone, and in no way should you take it personally. He wants his space and you got to respect that.

You need to respect others and give them what they want. If they want time and space, give it to them (him) because it's considerate, respectful behavior. Back off A LOT.

I'm sorry for your bad day.

Go your own way in this life, keep busy, become productive, industrious, do things around the house, get things done and distract yourself in a healthy way. Take a walk, get exercise. Never preoccupy yourself with others otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy.

I can empathize with those who don't have the energy and desire to talk (or engage in electronic correspondence) when life is miserable. Some people need their outlets and communicate galore whereas others shut down as I have.

When life is gravy, I'm all about chirping birds and butterflies. Of course, I'm in a great mood to chat whether verbally or electronically. Then when life sours, I don't feel like being a "Chatty Kathy." No way. I become a hermit crab. Then when life is optimal and idyllic again, I'll crawl out of my shell and become more amiable again. This is human nature.

The guy I broke up with, we were together 4 years. I ended it because I want marriage and family and to move and he wasn't ready for any of that. He is also still dependent on his mother in some ways and that's not encouraging in a man 42 years old. There is more but I don't feel like writing it out. Blah, blah, blah, I didn't enter the relationship fully healed and it wasn't healthy.

I matured up and I need someone like that. 8 years ago someone I loved and he said he loved me got engaged. To someone else. And he didn't say anything until after he proposed to her. He was upset by my reaction and said it was hard for him too and he wished I would make it easier on him. Said the man who had been my bedrock as he walked off towards a future with someone who loved him, as my world shook apart and my dream walked away from me by choice. I was clueless. Silly, naive, overgrown child. I was so happy and I stupidly trusted him. I didn't know he was seeing anyone. We were together 3 years. I don't know what was real. It felt like I was in a romance novel, in some impossible book, the loveliest epic and I felt so good. My disney fairy tale turned into a cautionary story with considerably less fluff and no prince. I try not to ask the wrong questions, but when I am weak it still happens: why wasn't I enough, what did I do wrong, what could I have done differently so he would have stayed? There are no answers, none to salve the emotional scars.

I read a theory about emotional pain, ball in a box and a pain button. In the beginning the pain ball takes up most of the box and hits the pain button easily. With time, the ball gets smaller, so it doesn't hit the pain button as much. Usually the ball doesn't entirely disappear, but it doesn't get knocked against the pain button as often, because it is smaller, and you have more time to collect yourself and rebalance in between hits.

Are you just friends or lovers? Or former lovers?

Met on a dating site...6 years ago? Never became lovers. Never exchanged words of love, didn't make future plans. He decided he didn't want to pursue a romantic relationship with me but he would like to be friends. I lost contact for several years until he randomly sent a friend request on Facebook last year. I was surprised and pleased. I would say we haven't had continuous contact for very long and it's too soon for him to feel comfortable sharing the most painful heart stuff. We only met once, in December for a few hours. He has shared some of his concerns about the not far off future and mentioned some insecurities and his flaws.

I'm friendzoned. It's not a poor second best. I don't have many friends, so they are important to me. Somehow he became one of my inner circle friends. I suppose it's too early for me to be that for him, and maybe it will never be mutual. I want him to be happy and it is most probable that it will be with someone else. I do look forward to knowing enough about him to pick out what I think would have made us a bad match for each other. He didn't specify, and knowing wouldn't make any change to reality. All I can do is respect it. I want to be the best friend to him that I can be. I want to see him happy and I want his life to be everything he wants it to be. However small my part in his life, I want it to bring some measure of light, I don't want to be a chore.

You need to respect others and give them what they want. If they want time and space, give it to them (him) because it's considerate, respectful behavior. Back off A LOT.

I'm not poking at him about it beyond the 3 sentances I had already written him last night. I'm giving him his space and talking out my side here. I'm inclined to let him contact me next. Maybe it's too awkward now and I'll never hear from him again. That does not help me right now. Makes me feel worse.

I'm not even "chatty kathy," he is on the introverted side, too, but he hasn't run out of words when we do call. I can barely get a word in sometimes. Occasionally our words are a bit like a tumble of wiggly puppies.

I am making myself crazy right now. I just want a sign that he is alive, it could even be indirect, a share on his Facebook wall. Until then, I don't have the personal resources to do anything but sleep. Maybe that's what I need to do.

Ladyphase, Change the way you think! He's nothing but a hot mess. You should say to yourself: "Good riddance!"

He's toxic and dysfunctional. Be glad that now's your chance to have every right to be happy. Alone doesn't mean lonely. Find happiness from within. Get busy and become productive and industrious. Develop smart distractions. Don't preoccupy and ruminate over him anymore BECAUSE HE'S NOT WORTH IT.

No less a hot mess than me. Crying for 4 hours over someone 8 years removed from my life. Followed by being weepy all the next day about that person, the remembered loss of someone who never quite made any official promises, just sentimental words that felt like they meant something. I'm usually fine on my own. I am alone alot but I rarely get bored. I am just overwhelmed by having my personal quarantine being

not just a personal choice, but now society actual WANTS me to stay away. Emotionally it doesn't matter that there are pandemic reasons for it. I'm not put together any more than him. I feel like we are equals. Feels like if he isn't worth the care and preoccupation, I couldn't be worth that to someone else, either.

Perhaps, when all this has passed you should focus on expanding your friend circle.

You barely know this guy and are upset because he does not feel like chatting with you. You have invested way too much into this guy. I think you are too emotionally involved due to the lack of a social life.

Perhaps, when all this has passed you should focus on expanding your friend circle.

...

I think you are too emotionally involved due to the lack of a social life.

Ah, that. HOW! I'm 38 and I just don't connect with people easily. I'm too quiet when I don't know someone well enough and I don't know how to be something I am not. It's some kind of minor miracle to me that some how I became comfortable enough with him with him that I want to talk to him. And listen, I am a big listener. I learned 8 years ago that it's possible to feel some way about a person and for them not to feel the same way. The kind of friendship I feel towards him might not be the level he wanted from me.

Well, what sort of interests do you have?

Once this pandemic situation has tapered off, you should consider joining local groups, clubs or teams of like-minded people. Look into volunteer organizations. You don't have to make instantly make friends there, but you can slowly start to get to know people over time.

You have to be willing to put in some of the effort, and push your own boundaries a little.

Sorry to hear that all this happens. You did the right thing ending it. It seems you are grieving 3 things all rolled up into one 8, 4 and 3 years tsunami of disappointment?

The recent mama's boy of 4 years, the affair guy from 8 yrs ago who got engaged and this friend from 6 yrs ago who you never had a relationship with.

Please research telemedicine resources for doctors and therapists who could help you. This degree of pain from all these long distant past issues could be helped. Withdrawing, ruminating, protracted sadness,etc. could indicate something you need to look into and get help with.

The guy I broke up with, we were together 4 years.

8 years ago someone I loved and he said he loved me got engaged. To someone else.

Met on a dating site...6 years ago? Never became lovers. Never exchanged words of love

You put yourself in a life ling position that you will take what you can get...even a guy that shuts down and ignores you. You can change and change is good. If you want a happier life, get out of your snail shell and try new things, meet new people, even if it scares the hell out of ya.

He just posted about what happened and either deleted it or changed the privacy settings. Without sharing the most private details: there was a death in the family, and it hit him hard. His family is much closer, emotionally, than mine. Knowing, I don't feel as bad for myself.

You still need to put yourself out there, and not invest so much in an online stranger.

Have you tried volunteering?