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Thread: Help me get over this.. jealousy over boyfriend's female friend

  1. #1
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    Help me get over this.. jealousy over boyfriend's female friend

    Good morning everyone,

    This is something that has plagued my mind from the beginning of this relationship.

    I met this amazing man almost a year ago. We had an instant connection like I haven't felt with anyone in years. We've quickly become best friends and head over heels in love. He treats me amazingly well, and his love for me shows in everything he does.

    I seem to have a pattern of being really unsure for a long time in relationships, feeling like I'm not good enough and being suspicious why my partner wants me. It doesn't help that I've been burned and fooled badly a few times and as a result I'm just highly skeptical especially when things are what feel "too good to be true".

    So very early on when I met my boyfriend, he told me about a girl who used to be his best friend. At this point (at the time he described her to me), they had recently just started to talk again (couple months before I came into the picture) after having not spoken for what he says was a period of three years.

    Right away he divulged that after over 15 years of friendship, they had ended up having a brief (couple of months according to him) sexual relationship. He also described that they had always just been friends before, even sleeping next to each other in the same bed ( apparently he even did this during his 9 year relationship he was in) and nothing ever happened, but then they made the leap one day. He said they "didn't want to label it anything incase they would ruin their friendship"...

    I came to learn later on that this girl had become a problem during his 9 year relationship, according to him his ex was "insecure and jealous of her, so he had to be a bad friend and stop seeing her".

    The part that is bothering me the most is that he told me after the 9 year relationship ended, after 10 months of splitting up and him being celibate that entire time, he slept with the best friend... Ultimately proving his ex girlfriend's fears were founded.

    Now according to him that was about three years ago, so you can figure out that whatever their falling out was, it happened around the time they were sleeping together and then they had no contact until a couple months before I came along.

    At one point early on my boyfriend was pushing for me to meet her which I told him I wasn't comfortable with. He eventually dropped it. As of now, I don't know if they are still in contact or not.

    Now I feel extremely insecure about this, that I am his second option because he couldn't be with her (after three years of not talking, she is now engaged) and my fear is she is in the back of his mind as the one he really wanted, but couldn't have so he went out and then I come into his life.

    We have talked about this before and he tells me that I have nothing to worry about, and that she's not really in his life anymore but I worry that they have some lingering feelings there that keep them connected (he admitted they both had feelings at the point where they were sleeping together).

    I can't shake this feeling like I could be a second option to him, and I don't know if it's all in my head, or if I should look at what happened after his last long term relationship and think maybe that could happen to me?

    I'm so sorry this is so long guys, and if anyone has taken the time to read all this I truly thank you and appreciate your time and hopefully some advice to what I should maybe do about all this? I want to be with him and feel secure. Right now this whole thing has me feeling very guarded with him and I'd like to let it go if I can....

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Now according to him that was about three years ago, so you can figure out that whatever their falling out was, it happened around the time they were sleeping together and then they had no contact until a couple months before I came along.
    This blows your theory right out of the water.

    They were both single, they were sleeping together and they still did not make it work and wanted to go their separate ways.

    To be honest, it sounds as though whatever they had, was out of convenience and not this big love story your anxiety is making up.
    If it had been so great, they would have remained together.
    It wasn't great, it didn't work and your boyfriend sought someone else out who would be a more suitable and better partner than this person.

    You have to find a way to let it go.

    I would agree that your boyfriend really should be keeping her at an arms distance and not have her in his life, or very minimal contact (maybe once a year if that to say Merry Christmas or something like that) but this girl sounds like she's been disruptive in his life.
    Although to be fair, her having an fiancee really does change that dynamic completely and I seriously doubt she would ever be a threat.
    Though it would be awkward to say the least for you to all meet.

    Either way, talk to your boyfriend if and when that time comes around.
    But for now, let it go. It wasn't a huge romance at all.

  3. #3
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    Thank you so much for replying, your response is incredibly helpful

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Please make your relationship boundaries clear now before investing further. In my opinion, when they crossed the line from friendship into being intimate, even if temporarily, that changed everything, and how I would deal with this situation.

    Decide now if this is a dealbreaker for you or not, if they stay in contact. Since I'm not a person who would be comfortable with them communicating at all, I would tell my partner: Male/female friendships have a different dynamic, and now she's your ex. Even if you never have sex with her again or flirt, I'm not comfortable with you staying friends. If you choose to stay in contact with her, then I'm afraid your boundaries don't match mine, and I'll have to move on.

    Because really, what does he get from this "friendship?" He doesn't go to dinner with her. You're not going to double date with her and her husband. Why is it so important for him to stay in touch to say what? Hello, how's your day going? Isn't it more important to invest one's emotional energy with a buddy you can go hiking with and to go have a few drinks with?

    Their past emotional connection makes for a rife environment for when either of them experiences relationship problems, they may seek out each other for comfort.

    My husband and I also discussed other relationship rules when we got together, that we can't give out our phone numbers and contact info to opposite sex, potential new friends. If he didn't share my goals, I would've stopped dating him. Other couples might be more free spirited and open to opposite sex friends, and that's their choice, and fine because they both agree.

    It's okay to have your own standards, and don't feel like you have to accept your boyfriends way of operating within a relationship if you're not comfortable with that. If you're more upset than satisfied in a relationship, it's the wrong relationship for you. No matter how much you love someone, if they don't match you in all the major ways, move on so you can find someone who does match you.

    Have that discussion before you waste any more years living a life that has your gut roiling. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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    Thank you very much for your answer. I have been battling with if this is a deal breaker for me for a while, as I know ultimately it's my problem.

    As far as what he's told me, he doesn't have her phone number or anything like that. They are friends on Facebook and he says they've only shared a handful of messages on there since she came back into his life a couple months before I showed up. He claims he hasn't received or sent any messages in months and has no reason to.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    If she's not that important, why was he pushing for you to meet her? Sometimes guys reveal these things because they want to hide in plain sight. When you see activity, he'll say: I told you blah, blah, blah.

    Tell him you don't have exes on your Facebook and you don't feel comfortable with him doing that. If your relationship is more important than having an ex available to message, then he likes to keep his past squarely in his grasp, to access when he desires. You'll get all the feedback you need by his reaction to explaining your boundaries.

    When you're in a relationship, you can't just operate as though you were single. You're accountable to your partner. You're not being unreasonable in your discomfort. Follow your gut, because it rarely will steer you wrong.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Keep an eye on this. He needs to make up his mind with this on/off ex. Why is he making your relationship about her? The fact that this 'friendship' broke up his last relationship is a red flag. There is nothing wrong with you and you don't have a problem. He and this excessive attachment is a problem. Don't meet her and stop discussing her.
    Originally Posted by PainterGirl
    I came to learn later on that this girl had become a problem during his 9 year relationship, according to him his ex was "insecure and jealous of her, so he had to be a bad friend and stop seeing her". At one point early on my boyfriend was pushing for me to meet her which I told him I wasn't comfortable with.

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    I was wondering why it was so important I meet her, so I asked one time after he mentioned it for like the third time. He said "because you two are alot alike and have a lot in common, and talking to her may help you understand me more" I'm not sure what exactly was meant by that, but I guessed it meant because she was his best friend for so long she could tell me a lot about him?

    Obviously one of my fears was the hiding in plain site thing, but I honestly just feel like it's not my place to tell him to unfriend her and remove her from his life. I was kind of hoping he would just decide to do that himself, which I guess he doesn't feel is necessary to delete her... He just stopped talking to her? And again it makes me uncomfortable that he doesn't just go ahead and do it, but I really feel it's not my place to ask him to remove her from his life.

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    I always wondered why he even would bring her up at all to be honest... She had only just recently returned to his life after three years of nothing, then he wants me to meet her? I just don't see how any of that was a good idea. Why tell me about this girl within the first few days of knowing me and admitting right off the bat there was a sexual relationship?

    To be honest as soon as he told me about her, I knew it would be a problem, but I had just met him so I figured I'd let it play out and see what happened. I wasn't expecting him to want me to meet her...

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    She should not be part of your relationship. You have good instincts that this is off, don't falter from that or let him gaslight you into thinking this three is a crowd situation is normal. It seems he's making you feel like a substitute because he can't have her.

    No, you can't tell him who to talk to be friends with etc, however you can stop letting her be part of your life. You don't even know her and don't need to. This comment is quite twisted. You don't need an instruction manual from a lover to "understand" him. He threw away a 9 yr relationship for this lover. Why deal with this?
    Originally Posted by PainterGirl
    He said "because you two are alot alike and have a lot in common, and talking to her may help you understand me more"

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