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Thread: Help me get over this.. jealousy over boyfriend's female friend

  1. #41
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He did this to his last partner insisting she was "insecure and jealous", now you fear he will use that as his offensive defense. He seems to think this "honesty" is a way to gain trust and perhaps lay the groundwork for the "we're just friends" story.

    He believes that by introducing her, being faux-forthcoming etc he can pull this off and have you think you're the one who has a problem. Pay attention to how his last partner reacted (dumped him). Gaslighting is precisely what he is doing and that is to get you to doubt your sanity, common sense and reason.
    Originally Posted by PainterGirl
    So that is considered gaslighting? I had wondered if he was gaslighting me

  2. #42
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I'm afraid of what people close to him will think of me if I'm the reason she's gone from his life. I'm afraid his friends and family will think I'm a jealousy freak because they have all known this girl and my boyfriend to be such close friends for so long.

    The other is I'm afraid that he will have a dramatic reaction, I'm afraid of what he'll say or do... What if I tell him that I'm really uncomfortable with him having friends in Facebook he's been lovers with and he just thinks I'm insecure...? Whenever I bring this up he tells me I'm insecure


    Did you ever stop to think he chose you as a girlfriend because you lack self-love, and he knew you'd stick around because you're the type he could manipulate into doing things his way, because you see your needs as being on the lowest rung of the ladder?

    Because a person who has self-worth will think more about what's best for herself versus how it will effect a partners inner circle. Also, you'd be far less fearful that you'd be losing him since he doesn't share your boundaries, and would think that even though you care, it's best to not waste any more time on someone who has opposite ideas on what's okay in a relationship.

    No, you can't control someone as a puppet, preventing them from doing anything. But you can admit incompatibility and choose to walk away. If he did choose to end his friendship with his ex because he values your friendship, but then spread your dirty laundry among his friends, blaming you instead of saying you two decided as a team it was for the best, or told them nothing, saying it was personal, then you can also make the determination if sticking around is what is best or not, depending on if his behavior is mature or immature.

    Observe a partner when the discussions are major like this. He will tell you all you need to know. If he thinks you're insecure, it's another clear sign his mindset is totally different than yours, which means you're trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole, which is why this relationship is nothing but a major headache.

  3. #43
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    I can really understand where you're coming from, OP. It seems that you're really making an effort to be cool with your partner, so that you can feel secure with him. Unfortunately you and he are coming from very different places.

    You're saying that you feel you're a 'second option' to him, and that you're worried you might be in for a repeat of his last relationship. In truth, you're probably not a 'second option', because as things stand he can have both of you, in some sense - making himself feel valued and sought-after. Rather than worrying about what might happen in the future, it's more important to look at what's happening now.

    He may be a wonderful man in many ways, but he's completely dismissive of your feelings. While it's admirable to accept a partner's opposite-sex friends if there's no past history of romantic or sexual involvement, he is basically asking you to accommodate a third party into your relationship and then accusing you of being insecure when you don't like it.

    I came to learn later on that this girl had become a problem during his 9 year relationship, according to him his ex was "insecure and jealous of her, so he had to be a bad friend and stop seeing her".
    This ^^^ sounds very manipulative. It's a hint to you that you need to accept his "friendship" with her or you'll be guilty of turning him into a bad friend - not that he needs to enforce better boundaries in relationships and take responsibility for himself.

    As others have said, he is entitled to be friends with whoever he wants. You, however, are not obliged to remain in a situation which has you eating your heart out, to the detriment of your own emotional health and self-esteem. I also know from experience that this kind of thing does not get better with time, and there will always be that part of you which is worrying and guessing. Fear and mistrust will grow in the relationship, rather than love.

    I appreciate that you love him, and it will be a huge wrench to end it right now when you were hoping all this would magically disappear. There has been some excellent advice as to how to tackle that talk with him, and I'd follow it.

    So sorry you're going through this; it's a really painful situation to be in.

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