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Thread: Help me get over this.. jealousy over boyfriend's female friend

  1. #31
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by PainterGirl
    I want to discuss it but I'm not sure what to say, how to approach it without causing any drama between us.
    I understand the fear. It does tell you something about the relationship...I suspect you are not being true to yourself, as to not rock the relationship. This usually doesn't work. Things just fester.

    Think about how he's brought things up to you. Usually the way people tell you something, is the way they are used to hearing. Find the right time... when you're both relaxed and talking openly... You can always start with being honest, saying you want to talk but you're feeling uneasy bringing it up.

    At the very least, you will learn whether or not this man can talk through things calmly and rationally, with compassion and concern for what you're going through, with a willingness to listen without going scorched earth, which is equally important, in a relationship, as any problem at hand. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #32
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    You're right about my not wanting to rock the boat and that predating him... And I guess his questionable boundaries too.. I'm honestly afraid that he will just get offended or something if I bring it up, he will call me insecure and tell me it's in my head.. I'm afraid of what he will say if I tell him I'm not comfortable with him having ex lovers on his Facebook.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by PainterGirl
    You're right about my not wanting to rock the boat and that predating him... And I guess his questionable boundaries too.. I'm honestly afraid that he will just get offended or something if I bring it up, he will call me insecure and tell me it's in my head.. I'm afraid of what he will say if I tell him I'm not comfortable with him having ex lovers on his Facebook.
    "Afraid" should never be part of a love relationship.

    What you're saying is you fear he will leave you if you express your feelings.

    I mean, you're not doing like my brother's ex did...she demanded he never, ever communicate in ANY way with ANY female who wasn't her. She screamed at him because he texted me. Yes, me, his SISTER.

    If you're afraid, that says a lot about the relationship and how you perceive your place. As in, you value him more than you value yourself. That's concerning.

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by PainterGirl
    Yea you're totally on point with this, I'm trying to be "cool"about it, there are reasons for that. One is honestly... I'm afraid of what people close to him will think of me if I'm the reason she's gone from his life. I'm afraid his friends and family will think I'm a jealousy freak because they have all known this girl and my boyfriend to be such close friends for so long.

    The other is I'm afraid that he will have a dramatic reaction, I'm afraid of what he'll say or do... What if I tell him that I'm really uncomfortable with him having friends in Facebook he's been lovers with and he just thinks I'm insecure...? Whenever I bring this up he tells me I'm insecure
    You're the one that has to date him - not them, so why care about what they have to think about YOUR relationship. If he tells you you're insecure, drop him like a ton of bricks. Don't accept gaslighting behavior.

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by PainterGirl
    You're right about my not wanting to rock the boat and that predating him... And I guess his questionable boundaries too.. I'm honestly afraid that he will just get offended or something if I bring it up, he will call me insecure and tell me it's in my head.. I'm afraid of what he will say if I tell him I'm not comfortable with him having ex lovers on his Facebook.
    If he does any of these things, you still get to say "I'm not insecure. I'm just not willing to be treated like my feelings aren't valid'

    And listen, you cannot live your life or make decisions about your relationship based on what his friends and family think. That will only make you crazy....

    At the end if the day, your relationship is between the two of you. You have to be ok with all of it.

  7. #36
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    So that is considered gaslighting? I had wondered if he was gaslighting me

  8. #37
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by PainterGirl
    You're right about my not wanting to rock the boat and that predating him... And I guess his questionable boundaries too.. I'm honestly afraid that he will just get offended or something if I bring it up, he will call me insecure and tell me it's in my head.. I'm afraid of what he will say if I tell him I'm not comfortable with him having ex lovers on his Facebook.
    Well, this is a problem—except it can also be a challenge.

    Think about it all less in the context of how it will affect him, than in the context of who do you want to be? Because whether you're with him for another week or the rest of your life, you have to live with yourself, and in your own skin. This is an opportunity to become more comfortable in that—to grow—rather than twisting and bending around to find comfort in not ruffling someone's feathers.

    People who know what they can, and can't, handle are super attractive.

  9. #38
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    You guys are really opening my eyes to this... This has been a problem from the start and his continued stand that I'm just insecure and jealous...I thought he was right

  10. #39
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    I definitely see your point there..

  11. #40
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by PainterGirl
    You guys are really opening my eyes to this... This has been a problem from the start and his continued stand that I'm just insecure and jealous...I thought he was right
    Someone who cares about you and your feelings isn't going to dismiss you like that. Then again, if you knew that he cares about your feelings, you wouldn't be afraid to talk to him, but you already know that he'll gaslight and dismiss you. So is this really the kind of a relationship you want to be in?

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