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Thread: Help me get over this.. jealousy over boyfriend's female friend

  1. #21
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    I want to discuss it but I'm not sure what to say, how to approach it without causing any drama between us.

  2. #22
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    He clearly has boundary issues. If he was sleeping with another woman while in a relationship and defended it as friendship, etc. Even though she is engaged, I think he is prepping you and defending/justifying contact with you/giving you fair warning about this. Engagement doesn't matter with people with poor boundaries - they could still be speaking with eachother inappropriately - oversharing about eachother's relationships with eachother. My ex was talking to "the one that got away". She was describing sex she had with a guy and even was to the point of having two kids wth a guy not married to him and my ex only finally stopped talking to her when he was upset he wasn't invited to her wedding. I never met her, btw.

    I would say no thanks to this since i was through something like it and had to be cool about it, but its up to you.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by PainterGirl
    Yes, the trust is the big issue. I need to find within myself if I can move past all this and just trust him. Yes it does feel shady, some it the behaviour. It's hard to ignore some of it.
    I advice against you finding a way to be ok with it, without including him. sometimes we sacrifice a piece of ourselves for another person without them knowing it.

    While there are instances where this is a true act of love, shouldering something for someone"s benefit. However, i don't think turning a blind eye to another woman falls into the same category. In time you will resent him over this and he will be blindsided, which makes you both wrong.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by PainterGirl
    I want to discuss it but I'm not sure what to say, how to approach it without causing any drama between us.
    Keep it simple and direct. Say something complimentary about how happy you are with him and this relationship and that since things are progressing nicely, you'd like to talk about relationship boundaries and be sure that you are both on the same page about it to prevent any potential hurt, confusion, and conflict down the road. Then explain to him what your boundaries are - like no ex-fck buddies on your phone or social media, and whatever else you want to say. Think about it, make a list, be sure it applies to you too. Then listen carefully to how he reacts.

    You can say your peace as calmly as you like, but you don't control how he responds. If he is on the same page, then there shouldn't be any fighting or tensions between you. Rather the opposite, you can put this whole thing that's eating at you to rest once and for all. However, if he gets upset, turns this into a fight, starts talking out of both sides of his mouth.....you'll have some hard decisions to make about this relationship.

    Don't be afraid to rock this boat because he has already been rocking it for a long time and it needs to be dealt with. You can't continue in this relationship while this keeps eating at you as that alone will doom the relationship. You've got to clear the air one way or another here.

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  6. #25
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    Be here, done that, got the T-shirt.

    I'm sure they will sext down the road when she or he needs to stir drama up in life. It's a compartmentalizing thing. What you are seeing is just the tip of his iceberg. His need to self-sabotage will never change until he figures out why he does it - and no, it's not up to you to have him figure it out. He's gotta do the hard work on his own.

  7. #26
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    Should I just tell him full out that the fact they're still connected over Facebook is bothering me and see what his reaction to that is? Should I actually say that I would want him to remove her?

  8. #27
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    So I should just calmly tell him that I feel really uncomfortable with having former lovers on Facebook and see how he reacts?

  9. #28
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by PainterGirl
    I want to discuss it but I'm not sure what to say, how to approach it without causing any drama between us.
    The problem, right now, is that not talking about is what's causing the drama. The nervy anxiety in your spirit? That is drama.

    Yeah, it's come up, but still those talks end with more questions simmering in your mind than answers that slow the spins and create some space to keep exploring. Example: your "hope" that he would just delete her from Facebook. That hope doesn't create security, but just more insecurity, since instead of actually setting a boundary that's important to you you're setting it in your mind and "hoping" he'll respond positively.

    DancingFool offered great advice for how to broach this—particularly the part about not being scared to rock the boat. That's a fear in you, I think, that predated him, just as his questionable boundaries existed in him before knowing you. Right now, those two "weak" sides in each of you are connecting, to the detriment of your connection. You are both validating qualities in the other that create disharmony, kind of like building a home with a few questionable materials. If what you both ultimately want is the same thing—a committed relationship in which you are both secure, aka a solid home—you've got to access the "strong" sides in each of you, or at least see if they're there to connect.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Tell him honestly how you feel without accusations or being overly emotional (do NOT cry!!!).

    I can see you're trying to make yourself "cool" with it, but you're not. And that's OK. Be true to yourself.

  11. #30
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    Yea you're totally on point with this, I'm trying to be "cool"about it, there are reasons for that. One is honestly... I'm afraid of what people close to him will think of me if I'm the reason she's gone from his life. I'm afraid his friends and family will think I'm a jealousy freak because they have all known this girl and my boyfriend to be such close friends for so long.

    The other is I'm afraid that he will have a dramatic reaction, I'm afraid of what he'll say or do... What if I tell him that I'm really uncomfortable with him having friends in Facebook he's been lovers with and he just thinks I'm insecure...? Whenever I bring this up he tells me I'm insecure

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