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Thread: Help me get over this.. jealousy over boyfriend's female friend

  1. #11
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    Exactly, that ALWAYS bothered me, along with his admission that they still continued to sleep next to each other in the same bed even while either one was in a relationship ... That really bothers me. He also said something like we would have sex and then one of us would start dating and we would stop having sex with each other. He makes it sound like it went on for a lot longer than what he admitted at times... That's another thing that's off about it. So at this point, she is still a friend on Facebook, although according to him they don't talk and he basically ghosted her last message and never responded. Again, I feel like I can't insist he removes her... Although there are lingering fears in my mind why they both continue to be connected through Facebook.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You can't insist he remove her from his life but you can remove yourself from his.

    No need for an ultimatum, just state calmly that you aren't comfortable with his continued connection to this woman and if he chooses to continue it's fine, but you will not remain in the relationship.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Sounds like this guy likes to triangulate women and enjoys the ensuing drama and jealousy that creates. If I were you, I'd keep an eye on that tendency, because if it's not this girl, it may be some other girl down the road.

    I think you should sit down with him and have a serious conversation about relationship boundaries and opposite sex friendships in particular and see how he responds to that. Don't talk about this girl, talk about YOUR boundaries and expectations and see if he can agree or compromise enough to make things work with you. If not, walk away.

    Overall, I don't think this particular girl is your problem as such. It's the guy who is shady. Being in a relationship and sharing a bed with his female friend? I dare say most people would find that this crosses all kinds of lines and basic boundaries even if they are all for opposite sex friendships at large. It's not a necessary friendship activity...or even a common one and he chose to do it anyway even though it was causing problems with his relationship. I think your alarm bells are going off for good reason, except the culprit is him, not her.

  4. #14
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    If he really isn't talking to her, should I continue to be concerned? I guess she could always reach out to him again in the future.

    This was all mostly happening in the first few months of our relationship and he did drop it after about the fourth time saying he wanted me to meet her, I expressed that I had already told him it made me uncomfortable and that it wasn't going to happen.

    I didn't hear about her again until around Thanksgiving he said he wanted to let me know she had reached out to him and thought he should tell me. It appears they had a brief conversation and that was it, according to him. It was at this time I clearly told him I don't feel comfortable with their communication over Facebook, and he said he would stop talking to her. From that point on, I've been under the assumption that they still are not talking (haven't asked about it since then)

    Should I still be concerned? How should I proceed?

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  6. #15
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    I would be concerned about his sense of boundaries in a relationship.

    He told you that the two of them shared a bed when he was with his last girlfriend. Does he appear to understand why most women would not be okay with their boyfriends doing so, or does he still see this as un-problematic behaviour?

    I too would be bothered by his insistence I meet her to understand him better. To me, that is something that unfolds naturally in a relationship and is not really the role of a friend he hadn't even talked to for years. I read that more like he wanted to see her, and hoped if he invited you, you'd meet her, like her - and perhaps be okay with them rekindling their friendship. Could that be harmless? Perhaps. But given their history, I would have reservations that he still might not exercise appropriate boundaries. It largely depends on whether or not he gets (in hindsight) why his cozy friendship with another woman could make a girlfriend wary.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Can I ask how old you guys are?

    I can see this a few different ways. Let's start with the (somewhat) generous one. I get the impression that this friendship and connection, with all its blurred lines, is important to him. It also, perhaps, is a source of some shame, sadness, and confusion—not in the sense that he still has "feelings" of the sort that you're jittery about, but just that it exists as a point of reckoning in his life, something that has been both sincere and shady. Per his own words, it is a friendship that wreaked some havoc in one relationship.

    So before he even knew you existed he may have been asking himself questions along the lines of: Can he and this friend be "cool" again? Can this friendship and a new relationship coexist in a way that is "cool"? Can he still be friends with her and not be a shady dude? To kind of test that out—clumsily, mind you—he tells you about her early, since she's reentered his life, trying to present it in a non-threatening way. He didn't want to be shady, so he puts it out there. He asks you to meet her so it's not an issue.

    Trouble with all that? Well, it all still borders on shady. It is asking a lot of someone—asking, in ways, that you do some of the growth he may need to do. More trouble? It creates a kind of dynamic, right off the bat, where you're thrown off-kilter, where he is cast as the "dangerous" dude who may seek out nebulous attention. Given some of the details he's told you—sharing a bed with her platonically while dating someone else—it is impossible for you not to suddenly ask questions about his character, his own boundaries, or lack thereof, and how that will affect you. But given that all this came up early, you didn't really have a chance to process how it all made you feel, sincerely.

    How to deal with all this? Along with others, I think you just need to have a clear talk, now that you've processed this a bit, about your own boundaries—namely, that you aren't comfortable with this connection, that it limits your ability to keep building a secure connection with him, in the way you need. Put that out there as a fact, not a judgement. Then listen to what he says, and listen, in ways, to how you two discuss this. Can you come to a legit compromise on this that works, or not? The answer to that question will let you know if you can continue exploring the romance, and your gut will answer it.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by PainterGirl
    If he really isn't talking to her, should I continue to be concerned? I guess she could always reach out to him again in the future.

    This was all mostly happening in the first few months of our relationship and he did drop it after about the fourth time saying he wanted me to meet her, I expressed that I had already told him it made me uncomfortable and that it wasn't going to happen.

    I didn't hear about her again until around Thanksgiving he said he wanted to let me know she had reached out to him and thought he should tell me. It appears they had a brief conversation and that was it, according to him. It was at this time I clearly told him I don't feel comfortable with their communication over Facebook, and he said he would stop talking to her. From that point on, I've been under the assumption that they still are not talking (haven't asked about it since then)

    Should I still be concerned? How should I proceed?
    See that's kind of my point - triangulating. He literally has no reason to bring her up, especially if they aren't really talking and he is not doing anything inappropriate. It might be mild, but he is trying to stir the pot with you. Should that tendency of his concern you? Yes. Again, it's not about this girl, emphasis added, it's about this guy you are dating and his behavior, his need to stir the pot and triangulate women even mildly so.

    Do not talk about her. Do not even bring her up. Do discuss boundaries. At the heart of all this it comes down to can you ever trust him or will you always be looking over your shoulder wondering what's up with him?

  9. #18
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    We are 34(me) and 35(him). I feel like everything you wrote it's exactly how I've felt about the entire thing from the start.. As I said in my last response, at this point it has been since about Thanksgiving that these two have had any contact. I haven't asked about it since then, but around Thanksgiving was the point he had told me he will stop talking to her.

    I didn't ask him to delete her from Facebook,I was hoping he would do that himself but he hasn't which is one of the main things I'm wondering about ... Maybe he can't let go of a chance that she may be back in his life at some point?

    I really agree with what you said Ankur trying to make everything "cool" , there could be two scenarios there why he'd want that. Either so he can hide in plain site, or he genuinely wanted to rekindle this friendship and have me involved?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by PainterGirl
    I always wondered why he even would bring her up at all to be honest... She had only just recently returned to his life after three years of nothing, then he wants me to meet her? I just don't see how any of that was a good idea. Why tell me about this girl within the first few days of knowing me and admitting right off the bat there was a sexual relationship?

    To be honest as soon as he told me about her, I knew it would be a problem, but I had just met him so I figured I'd let it play out and see what happened. I wasn't expecting him to want me to meet her...
    I read the entire thread and I think dancing fool says it best, he is the problem. Not the woman. And I also agree, he might get some kind of ego boost from the triangulation.

    I quoted you above, brcause this is your gut speaking to you. Your true feelings are your first reaction before your concious mind aka ego can start distorting it. You struggle because you love the guy and you want him to choose you over her, but you fear he wont.

    You are limiting your place and stifling yourself, letting this impact your self esteem. Making this woman better than she is. She was FWB on and off. And next time they are both single, they will be again.

    The only solution is to take a chance. Put your heart and feelings out there and discuss it. My advice is to pick a good time. Don't lump this in with some other argument etc.

  11. #20
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    Yes, the trust is the big issue. I need to find within myself if I can move past all this and just trust him. Yes it does feel shady, some it the behaviour. It's hard to ignore some of it.

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