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Thread: Moving Forward

  1. #11
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Ok. Stop interacting with the mother or depending on her for any form of child care. Where is the father? Does he pay child support for him or have visitation? Make other carpool, mom group style arrangements. Pay careful attention to what CPS recommends.

    The father is not involved, he does not pay child support. The moms I met have flaked, still working on meeting additional moms to deal with carpooling, ultimately new job is going to help logistically.

  2. #12
    My mom will not respect my boundaries, insists that I have a variety of mental illnesses that I have not been diagnosed with, interferes with my parenting of my child and constantly states that my behavior is out of control or wrong.

    We have no relationship because talking to her turns into arguments. I admit that I have been disrespectful to her when she hurts my feelings. I have told her she hurts my feelings when she insists that I have a mental illness or tells me she will have me put in jail.

    I have asked her to respect my boundaries by, please stop telling my childs doctors that I have mental illnesses that I have not been diagnosed with.

    I told her of plans I had to travel abroad for university graduation trip and she told me that my plans were irresponsible despite my having saved up for the trip and having the trip well planned out(2018, not now lol).

    She overheard me say " speak of the devil" when I answered the phone to speak with her after a neighbor had asked how she was, leading my mom to say I was disrespectful to call her a devil despite me sending a screenshot of that phrase and its meaning.

    I told my child not to use curse words and she said that my child uses the curse words because I use curse words in front of him. She tells my child that I have mental illnesses and I ask her not to say that because it's not true(prior to anxiety diagnosis). She gave me a hard time when I was on my phone around my child, saying that I was neglecting him.

    If I spend time with friends, try to date or do something for myself like a fun activity she says all I care about are my friends or dating or how I shouldn't have to do these things to be happy.

    I'm a single parent and she helps me out with my child because I have a demanding job but it's taking a toll on me having to essentially coparent with her.

    My child has behavioral issues. The doctors and therapists have said my mom and I need to be on a united front for my childs sake. When I try to discuss being a united front with her it dissolves into all the wrong doings she thinks I have done.

    She brings up incidents from months ago, says I don't take accountability and that I am wrong for my actions and that I need help. I did family therapy with her to try to improve our relationship because it got to a point where I was picking my child up an hour early from aftercare to spend time with him, during a period where projects were not as heavy with work, and she said I was disrupting my childs schedule and that I should not be picking him up early.

    Family therapy did not work, we would leave and have an argument. She would discredit the therapist suggestions when I would bring them up during arguments. She lived in a studio apartment and I went to visit and we had a fight and I stepped outside to call my friend to vent about the fight and she said I have a mental illnesss because I was standing outside at night on the phone.

    She told the family therapist that I had grandeurs of delusion because I stated I was going to buy a car. It's so sad. I'm in therapy for myself which started after she began a legal proceeding against me that greatly upset my life and I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

    I shared my diagnosis with her and how it hurts that she tried to take my life from me since I worked hard to put myself through university by working two jobs while she helped me with my child.

    My child is upset that she keeps trying to have him with her when he wants to be with me. She is still saying that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Depression and that I am suicidal, none of which is true, besides this I saw doctors during university because I struggled with juggling and they diagnosed me with stress so the GAD diagnosis is my first mental illness diagnosis.

    I'm not even on medication for the anxiety, just weekly sessions to help cope with my interactions with her and raising a special needs child while working a demanding job. I'm at a lost for why she won't understand me when I explain things to her. I tell her spanking my child is not child abuse, she then says I am beating my child. I tell her she hurt me by pressing charges, she tells me how she would do it again.

    I tell her it's best for my child to be with me, she says it's best for him to live with her. It's frustrating to deal with. I try to be patient with the conversation and get her to understand but it usually is me yelling back or telling her I see why my dad left her. What bothers me is she is the only one who views me this way.

    My dad told me to stop talking to her after the legal issues she raised against me. My friends have told me go no contact with her because of the way she undermines me in front of my child.

    My therapist wanted me to mend the relationship for my childs sake and I told the therapist I am not there yet and that I need to work through the hurt of her actions. I needed to vent. I just wish my mom would respect my boundaries, back me up when I discipline my child and not see me as the enemy.
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  3. #13
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    central Florida
    There are books on how to deal with difficult people, so I'd suggest reading one. Sometimes you can find free audio books if you have a library card, and can listen during your commute to work. Basically, I'd try the reward system along with extinction training. In the brief moments she's pleasant, stick around. If she's unpleasant, immediately leave her home or hang up the phone with a, "Oh, have to go. Talk to you soon." If she's in your home, ask her to leave.

    Especially since it's emotional abuse for anyone to bash someone a child loves in front of him.

    It's good that you will not have to rely on her as much for child care, so that in the future, you can ensure they spend time together when your mother asks, but as for yourself, it's okay to distance yourself from interacting with her otherwise. Stick to topics like what movies you've watched, what books you've read, news of the world, but avoid discussions about your life and what activities you're engaging in that incite her anger. She's the one who sounds unhinged. Maybe if you can have your dad occasionally watch your child so you can take Mom to dinner, or to do something else fun together, that she might be shocked into softening. Sometimes people who are sad express it in anger. Perhaps she feels ignored and unwanted and is lashing out, and giving her a little one on one attention might change her attitude. If she steers the conversation in a negative way, steer it in a more positive direction, explaining how it's a time to enjoy one another's company. Worth a try.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    My mother is no longer living, but she lived with me and my husband and our children for a few years. She didn't accuse us of being bad parents but she frequently addressed my son by my brother's name and frequently spoke of him comparing him to my brother. The happiest time of her life was when she was newly married and my brother was a baby, so she regressed back to that time in her mind.

    I'm wondering if your mother is fondly recalling when you were a baby and wishes for a baby of her own to relive that time in her life. I mean, it's definitely wrong to go about it the way she is but it could be the reason why.


  6. #15
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Wilds of Texas
    You are not going to change your mother and you cannot continue with this toxic situation with her. No, this is not good for your child at all and I do not understand how your therapist could possibly tell you to continue to maintain this toxic relationship. Sounds like you need a better therapist. Even child welfare investigators told you that you need to end this situation with your mother and stay away from each other. Your own father told you the same. Start listening to these people. There is no reason for you to carry on with this toxic drama with your mother.

    Do what you have to do to find either more flexible childcare or a job where you can pick up your child yourself as needed every single day. Stop relying on her in any way and distance yourself from her. She is not helping you, she is mentally and emotionally abusing you. She is also abusing your child. Enough is enough. Time for you to do whatever it takes to remove her from your life. You are a mother yourself now and you have a responsibility to protect your child from this madness.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Why haven't you sought child support?

    You need to get you and your son away from this woman. She will not change.

    You also need a new therapist, as you are getting terrible advice.

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