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Thread: Moving Forward

  1. #1

    Moving Forward

    My mom will not respect my boundaries, insists that I have a variety of mental illnesses that I have not been diagnosed with, interferes with my parenting of my child and constantly states that my behavior is out of control or wrong. We have no relationship because talking to her turns into arguments. I admit that I have been disrespectful to her when she hurts my feelings. I have told her she hurts my feelings when she insists that I have a mental illness or tells me she will have me put in jail. I have asked her to respect my boundaries by, please stop telling my childs doctors that I have mental illnesses that I have not been diagnosed with. I told her of plans I had to travel abroad for university graduation trip and she told me that my plans were irresponsible despite my having saved up for the trip and having the trip well planned out(2018, not now lol). She overheard me say " speak of the devil" when I answered the phone to speak with her after a neighbor had asked how she was, leading my mom to say I was disrespectful to call her a devil despite me sending a screenshot of that phrase and its meaning. I told my child not to use curse words and she said that my child uses the curse words because I use curse words in front of him. She tells my child that I have mental illnesses and I ask her not to say that because it's not true(prior to anxiety diagnosis). She gave me a hard time when I was on my phone around my child, saying that I was neglecting him. If I spend time with friends, try to date or do something for myself like a fun activity she says all I care about are my friends or dating or how I shouldn't have to do these things to be happy. I'm a single parent and she helps me out with my child because I have a demanding job but it's taking a toll on me having to essentially coparent with her. My child has behavioral issues. The doctors and therapists have said my mom and I need to be on a united front for my childs sake. When I try to discuss being a united front with her it dissolves into all the wrong doings she thinks I have done. She brings up incidents from months ago, says I don't take accountability and that I am wrong for my actions and that I need help. I did family therapy with her to try to improve our relationship because it got to a point where I was picking my child up an hour early from aftercare to spend time with him, during a period where projects were not as heavy with work, and she said I was disrupting my childs schedule and that I should not be picking him up early. Family therapy did not work, we would leave and have an argument. She would discredit the therapist suggestions when I would bring them up during arguments. She lived in a studio apartment and I went to visit and we had a fight and I stepped outside to call my friend to vent about the fight and she said I have a mental illnesss because I was standing outside at night on the phone. She told the family therapist that I had grandeurs of delusion because I stated I was going to buy a car. It's so sad. I'm in therapy for myself which started after she began a legal proceeding against me that greatly upset my life and I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I shared my diagnosis with her and how it hurts that she tried to take my life from me since I worked hard to put myself through university by working two jobs while she helped me with my child. My child is upset that she keeps trying to have him with her when he wants to be with me. She is still saying that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Depression and that I am suicidal, none of which is true, besides this I saw doctors during university because I struggled with juggling and they diagnosed me with stress so the GAD diagnosis is my first mental illness diagnosis. I'm not even on medication for the anxiety, just weekly sessions to help cope with my interactions with her and raising a special needs child while working a demanding job. I'm at a lost for why she won't understand me when I explain things to her. I tell her spanking my child is not child abuse, she then says I am beating my child. I tell her she hurt me by pressing charges, she tells me how she would do it again. I tell her it's best for my child to be with me, she says it's best for him to live with her. It's frustrating to deal with. I try to be patient with the conversation and get her to understand but it usually is me yelling back or telling her I see why my dad left her. What bothers me is she is the only one who views me this way. My dad told me to stop talking to her after the legal issues she raised against me. My friends have told me go no contact with her because of the way she undermines me in front of my child. My therapist wanted me to mend the relationship for my childs sake and I told the therapist I am not there yet and that I need to work through the hurt of her actions. I needed to vent. I just wish my mom would respect my boundaries, back me up when I discipline my child and not see me as the enemy.

  2. #2
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    Please break up that wall of text into paragraphs so it's easier to read.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I'd like to read your post but that wall of text is stopping me. Please make paragraphs!!!!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Did child services conduct an investigation? Were there any recommendations or restrictions? Please utilize one of the telemedicine services to discuss these problems.Specifically getting a new therapist. You nor your child should be near your abusive mother.

    Immediately discontinue all contact with her and keep her away from your child. Are you a single parent? Do you have childcare options?
    Originally Posted by dellydonut
    I tell her spanking my child is not child abuse, she then says I am beating my child. I tell her she hurt me by pressing charges, she tells me how she would do it again.

    My dad told me to stop talking to her after the legal issues she raised against me.
    My therapist wanted me to mend the relationship for my childs sake

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  6. #5
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    If your best interest is for your child then you would figure out a way to make that happen. Right?
    Why are you not doing that?
    Is it just too convenient for you to have a free and available sitter for your child?

    If you were paying a carer / sitter , would you have changed by now?

    Itís interesting that your dad has an opinion yet it doesnít seem he has offered a solution to your child care needs?
    Nor has anyone else that has expressed their opinion?

    Stop discussing it with people that wonít offer assistance?

    They are biased , they say their piece and then leave. How is that helpful?
    At the very least acknowledge the support your mother is providing?
    You sound ungrateful for that? You dismiss her opinion (even though she knows more about your child) and favour the opinion of those that know nothing about the situation in reality? Why?

  7. #6
    I'm trying to figure out how to edit it

  8. #7
    They did conduct an investigation. They noted a difference of how to parent among us and no abuse was found. They restricting spanking and recommending informally me keeping my child from her till things cooled down between us. Yes I have an teladoc appt set for Friday with a new therapist since my current one wasnt offering services during this time. I am a single parent with childcare, she mostly helps with pickup on days with busy work and seeing my child weekends.

  9. #8
    Right now, I am awaiting for a start date for a job that will be a 30 min commute vs my two hour commute so I won't have to rely on her at all with helping pick him up from aftercare. Once I start the new job then some weekends to maintain the relationship that child and grandma have.

    Dad lives in my home state, it's just my mom to reliably rely on in this state. I met some other moms but they flaked when it came down to it( as far as needing help with aftercare pick up.) My friends are in another state as well, I vent/ look for correction/ validation to them but this is true they state their peice and then leave.

    But thank goodness for the new job because that is going to help alot as far as logistics so I can have less interaction with my mom. I agree with the stop discussing with people who won't offer assistance as I learned the hard way when the legal issues happened not to do that.

    I am grateful for the help she provided me so that I could successfully complete university and I have communicated verbally and physically that to her, she will not acknowledge it because I do not heed her way of parenting/living life. I have gifted her spa days and given her money and paid her bill's as physical thank yous(prior to legal).

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok. Stop interacting with the mother or depending on her for any form of child care. Where is the father? Does he pay child support for him or have visitation? Make other carpool, mom group style arrangements. Pay careful attention to what CPS recommends.
    Originally Posted by dellydonut
    They did conduct an investigation. They restricting spanking and recommending informally me keeping my child from her till things cooled down between us. I am a single parent with childcare, she mostly helps with pickup on days with busy work and seeing my child weekends.

  11. #10
    Originally Posted by Billie28
    At the very least acknowledge the support your mother is providing?
    You sound ungrateful for that? You dismiss her opinion (even though she knows more about your child) and favour the opinion of those that know nothing about the situation in reality? Why?
    I have verbally told her and physically shown her I am grateful for the caring of my child during my university days. She took on a lot more with my child since I had two jobs and took classes.

    I would like to explore the opinion part in more depth. This is something she has stated to me before during times of arguments which led me to believe this might be the actual issue she has with me, finding me ungrateful and not valuing her help. Which led to the verbal saying of thank you and physical through gifts.

    I would like to clarify, I was fine with her continued help, until her constant criticism of how I conducted my life and then I started to discuss more with people within my life dad/friends to get an outside view on some of the arguments that happened.

    When we were in family therapy I figure that was the best view since there were no ties to me. Currently, I rely on my personal therapy view which also echoed some if the sentiments friends and dad shared when I talked about the problems I was having with my mom.

    I know my desire to date, my desire to do activities like going to a new restaurant with other adults are not mental illnesses or me neglecting my child or even knowing that trying to schedule time with friends with my child in tow is not the best thing versus me wondering is something wrong with me and is she the only one that is telling me.

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