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Thread: Am I being a coward?

  1. #31
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by user0x24
    Yeah thanks :) No I didn't yet, I'll put it on my list. Maybe watch it together with her.
    I remember reading it and just having tears running...

    But then, I find myself hesitating.
    And I'm afraid that I commit and then end up hurting her and our (future) children (that will result from commitment) even more if I decide I'm too weak...
    Or succumb deeper to some neurosis like this anxiety thing...

    I just need to get done with this "split brain" attitude, it's killing me.
    I think I understand your belief system, from what you've explained.

    I can see how paralyzing this can be. You basically are following a life plan that never allows for a misstep, nor are you allowed to change anything you don't like, you must endure until it changes for you.

    I just don't beleive that is how life is meant to be. I mean where does it end? Can you not cut your hair because it is choosing to grow? Can you not jump out of the way of a car because you are in its path? Can you not take medicine because you must suffer through a cold? Are you only responsible to endure whatever happens?

    But your comment above, makes a good point, about continuing being more hurtful than stopping. Why would CHOOSE to marry someone you have not been happy with for 3 years? What would you do if the situation was reversed? Why would you want to bring chikdren into this?

    Would you raise them with this same thought process, knowing how much pain this is causing you?

  2. #32

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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    You've still avoided answering the question: What is the actual problem(s) that you are having?

    An ax is not the only solution to a problem.

    And I think you've missed the point of the first part of what I wrote. I'm merely pointing out that "worthiness" is a condition for your love. It doesn't matter whether you've decided whether she's worthy or unworthy. The fact that such a decision determines whether you stay together or split makes your love conditional.

    You're just beating around the bush.
    I like your thinking.

    I am able to declare some people "unworthy" - there was some swift relationship I got away from as fast as I can, but the person there was so completely out of my ability to cope with that I had no second thoughts.
    I think the only condition on the love I am ready to accept is inability to cope with the person without incurring irreversible psychological or physical damage.
    But here the person is seemingly within my ability to cope with, so the question stands.

    Actual problem is doing the wrong thing and selfishly hurting a person, and then living with this consciousness.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why don't you move out? You are stressed by your gf and her elderly mother.
    Originally Posted by user0x24
    Yes I moved in with her. I'm begging her that we move out as I hate it here, but she is anxious about her mom, which is not independent. we're both working and able to save up. It actually makes me angry wasting my time on infantile grown up people

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by user0x24
    You say you felt guilty.
    But can you be happy and guilty in the same time?
    In my experience, yes.

    I felt guilt for hurting him. But I was happy the relationship was over. I knew the guilt wouldn't last forever, nor that guilt would a good reason to stay with someone.

    That was nearly 20 years ago now, and we have both long since moved on.

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  6. #35

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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I think I understand your belief system, from what you've explained.

    I can see how paralyzing this can be. You basically are following a life plan that never allows for a misstep, nor are you allowed to change anything you don't like, you must endure until it changes for you.

    I just don't beleive that is how life is meant to be. I mean where does it end? Can you not cut your hair because it is choosing to grow? Can you not jump out of the way of a car because you are in its path? Can you not take medicine because you must suffer through a cold? Are you only responsible to endure whatever happens?

    But your comment above, makes a good point, about continuing being more hurtful than stopping. Why would CHOOSE to marry someone you have not been happy with for 3 years? What would you do if the situation was reversed? Why would you want to bring chikdren into this?

    Would you raise them with this same thought process, knowing how much pain this is causing you?

    I mean where does it end? - very good question. I feel justified about leaving something when either this challenge is overcomed, or I decide it causes irreversible damage - something like "if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger".
    The car obviously kills, and the hair - i can endure long hair, so it's not a problem to cut it. If long hair was inendurable for me, I would feel guilty cutting it, and would expect from myself to learn to endure it.
    I don't take medicine for cold, I just let it pass by itself, but I do take other medicine, because not taking it causes damage.
    How do we grow if not enduring challenges...

    Maybe I selfishly do her a misservice by seeing the relationship as my challenge, but she seems to want it...

    That's why I'm not ready for children - I don't see how can I teach them be happy adults, if my thinking is so twisted. But I also don't want to teach them be selfish adults with "just do it" attitude to hurting people...

    Never allowing for a misstep - interesting concept. I need to think about it. My thinking was that it's better to do nothing than to do a possible misstep (well maybe it's called to be a coward), but maybe sometimes the latter is more preferable to the former.

    Yeah, it seems that by not allowing for a possibility of a misstep, I am doing a disservice to both of us.
    It's just a slippery slope - allowing yourself too much possible missteps hoping that they will turn right in the end... It's not how you get to something good - by doing missteps.

    Need to think of it. Thanks.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you see/talk to a doctor/therapist regularly? Do you take appropriate medication for mental health, mood or thought disorders?
    Originally Posted by user0x24
    I just need to get done with this "split brain" attitude, it's killing me. I do take other medicine, because not taking it causes damage.

  8. #37

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Why don't you move out? You are stressed by your gf and her elderly mother.
    .
    Actually, yes, it's a good point. I think I need to take this practical step and then see what happens.

    Maybe it will break the vicious cycle.

    Thanks.

  9. #38
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    Ultimately this is something none of us here can help you with. You are so deep in therapy regarding this matter and that is not helping. You are stuck in your core belief system. I would change therapist though. Asking you to think more when that is your problem is not going to help.

    All I can say is its not evil to end a relationship, you can be as polite and kind as possible. Yes it will hurt but that's part of life.

    Do you think its more evil to stay unhappy in a relationship and keeping someone chained to you rather than letting her go and finding someone that really loves her and could make her much more happy?

  10. #39
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by user0x24
    How do we grow if not enduring challenges...
    We don't grow by the enduring. We grow by through our ability to overcome challenges.

    Does a person grow from being beaten down and whatever the cause just magically changes?

    No! If my partner beats me and then they die, The beating has stopped but I have not changed. I accept beatings as part of life.

    If my partner nurtures my every need and they die, the care has stopped but I have not changed. I will not know how to care for myself.

    My point is, its not just negative or positive expereinces that impede growth.

    In those same scenarios...

    If i hit my partner back and leave them, I have grown strong and in taking better care of myself to start on a path for a better life.

    If I take equal care of my partner and myself, I grow to do things for myself and others.

    Your blanket approach to life is in some ways protecting you and in some ways hurting you. And thats the truth. You have set up a dynamic that doesn't require you to use your mind and feelings to create balance and judgment.

    You have not developed those skills because you see things so absolute, there are no alternative perspectives and there for no responsibility or anything required of you.

    Do you even know who you are? What you actually like? What your true strengths and abilities are?

    What challenges have you overcome? And not ones that just changed on their own?

    Do you see the difference?

  11. #40
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by user0x24
    I like your thinking.

    I am able to declare some people "unworthy" - there was some swift relationship I got away from as fast as I can, but the person there was so completely out of my ability to cope with that I had no second thoughts.
    I think the only condition on the love I am ready to accept is inability to cope with the person without incurring irreversible psychological or physical damage.
    But here the person is seemingly within my ability to cope with, so the question stands.

    Actual problem is doing the wrong thing and selfishly hurting a person, and then living with this consciousness.
    I personally don't believe that love should be unconditional.

    If I understand correctly, your partner is selfishly hurting you by doing the wrong thing.

    Loving someone does not mean that you become a doormat. You have to love yourself, too.

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