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Thread: Am I being a coward?

  1. #21

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Good grief, man.

    I don't mean to sound insensitive but you are your own worst enemy here. What does your therapist say about your tendency to micro-analyze to this extent?
    You seem utterly paralyzed by both your own looped thoughts.
    She asks me questions and encourages me to analyze even more...
    She doesn't give "easy answers", she encourages me to look inside myself...
    She is very understanding and talking to her makes me feel relieved, but then, maybe she's just egging me on to keep the client...

    EDIT:
    The question is, I'm not sure "let's just make an experiment and see what happens" is appropriate to this situation, because it results in hurt for some other person.
    Isn't it playing with others feelings?
    Last edited by user0x24; 03-25-2020 at 05:07 AM.

  2. #22
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    I Love the Little Prince! What a great story. Have you seen the Netflix adaptation? Itís actually quite good!

    After reading and re-reading I wish to say I stand corrected. I think you two are lucky to have each other. Itís not a situation I could abide, and I am sorry you are not happy in your relationship. But as you feel it is noble and the right thing to stay then I agree, you must follow your heart and the truth to the best of your light.

  3. #23

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    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    I Love the Little Prince! What a great story. Have you seen the Netflix adaptation? Itís actually quite good!

    After reading and re-reading I wish to say I stand corrected. I think you two are lucky to have each other. Itís not a situation I could abide, and I am sorry you are not happy in your relationship. But as you feel it is noble and the right thing to stay then I agree, you must follow your heart and the truth to the best of your light.
    Yeah thanks :) No I didn't yet, I'll put it on my list. Maybe watch it together with her.
    I remember reading it and just having tears running...

    But then, I find myself hesitating.
    And I'm afraid that I commit and then end up hurting her and our (future) children (that will result from commitment) even more if I decide I'm too weak...
    Or succumb deeper to some neurosis like this anxiety thing...

    I just need to get done with this "split brain" attitude, it's killing me.
    Last edited by user0x24; 03-25-2020 at 05:08 AM.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Did you move in with her? Do you have another way to support yourself? Did you read the forum rules specifically item #14 : [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by user0x24
    I have a sense that it's morally wrong. I believe all the evil things in life happen because people decide to experiment by hurting others.That's why the death sentence was abolished, because we never really know... And here I yet have not established "beyond reasonable doubt" that the relationship is not livable.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by user0x24
    She asks me questions and encourages me to analyze even more...
    She doesn't give "easy answers", she encourages me to look inside myself...
    She is very understanding and talking to her makes me feel relieved, but then, maybe she's just egging me on to keep the client...
    You seem to realize what she is doing here. I don't think she has any malicious intention, but she's planting all these seeds of doubt because she's desperate to hang on to you. She hopes that that this will buy her some time and make you change your mind. It's not really working if you've been in therapy for three years trying to convince yourself to stay. This split brain, as you describe it, stems from trying to force yourself to do something you don't want to do, which is continue the relationship.

    We can't decide for you, ultimately. I personally disagree with the notion that ending a very unhappy relationship is somehow cowardly, nor do I agree with the definition of unconditional love you have questioned in this thread. But, that's up to you. Everyone's priorities and limits are different. This situation sure wouldn't work for me, is all I can really say. I have never regretted walking away from one particular relationship in which I was unhappy, and had been for some time. I had thought about breaking up for a long time, and knew that the right choice for me was to end it. It hurt him a lot, and I felt guilty for that for a long while, but I never questioned my ability to have happier and more fulfilling relationships in the future. And I was right.

    A question about your own background, just for some more context: have you had relationships before this one? If so, how did those end?

  7. #26

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Did you move in with her? Do you have another way to support yourself? Did you read the forum rules specifically item #14 : [Register to see the link]
    Yes I moved in with her.

    Financially I'm not dependent on her in any way, we're both working and able to save up. I'm currently bearing most of the household expenses.

    Actually I'm begging her that we move out as I hate it here, but she is anxious about her mom, which is not independent, knows a little language and avoids doing things like using the ATM. We managed the mom to get to use the train last year, which was a win.
    It actually makes me angry wasting my time on infantile grown up people, but there, I'm trying to find a way to make things work.

    There was a year that I managed to move me and her to separate apartment I rented, but she was depressed and anxious so we moved back to their house to ease on her.

    When I think of it, I should engage her more about why she thinks her mom won't make it alone...

    Rule 14 - What can I do, I come from a religious background and it's part of my thinking.
    I'm not posting it as a matter of debate or trolling, this is a real circumstance (though I see my thinking may seem ridiculous).

  8. #27

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    You seem to realize what she is doing here. I don't think she has any malicious intention, but she's planting all these seeds of doubt because she's desperate to hang on to you. She hopes that that this will buy her some time and make you change your mind. It's not really working if you've been in therapy for three years trying to convince yourself to stay. This split brain, as you describe it, stems from trying to force yourself to do something you don't want to do, which is continue the relationship.

    We can't decide for you, ultimately. I personally disagree with the notion that ending a very unhappy relationship is somehow cowardly, nor do I agree with the definition of unconditional love you have questioned in this thread. But, that's up to you. Everyone's priorities and limits are different. This situation sure wouldn't work for me, is all I can really say. I have never regretted walking away from one particular relationship in which I was unhappy, and had been for some time. I had thought about breaking up for a long time, and knew that the right choice for me was to end it. It hurt him a lot, and I felt guilty for that for a long while, but I never questioned my ability to have happier and more fulfilling relationships in the future. And I was right.

    A question about your own background, just for some more context: have you had relationships before this one? If so, how did those end?
    In thins answer I meant "she" as the therapist, in reply to your question about what therapist is saying.

    But you're right that my partner is desperate and in the habit of buying time. I'm trying to understand what it is exactly that I "don't want" about the relationship, and how to mitigate this...

    As I said before, I had one significant relationship, and we had disagreements and arguments, and ultimately the ex decided to break up. The funny thing is that I came to conclusion that the ex was right about much of the issue, we just had bad communication.

    I the current relationship we don't have much arguments because when I come up with something, she agrees to everything, or goes on an shifts the talk to her anxieties, and then I get sort of validation that I support a person in a hardship and tell her that we'll get this right...

    I guess I'm a bit codependent if I think of it, with her and her mom anxieties as the issues of our dependence.

    Sort of, I imagine if I was with a person who is substance abusing and promises to change and give them a chance, I would also have a hard time letting this person down...

  9. #28
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    I don't know what more we can really say, OP.

    I don't think this relationship is going to get any better or that you are going to become happier with her.

  10. #29

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    I felt guilty for that for a long while
    You say you felt guilty.
    But can you be happy and guilty in the same time?

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by user0x24
    I believe I still didn't declare her unworthy of my love, I guess I try to "love" her (or whatever I'm able to muster up in this regard) and it's hard, so I contemplate what I can do about it. It seems to me when I announce her we split - that's the point I declare her unworthy of my love...

    My actual problem is if we split up and then I engage in another relationship that I feel is disposable, I suppose I will feel bad and cynical about it from the outset, so it will be even worse.

    To me it's somewhat like asking (I'm exaggerating) "Suppose you can kill an old lady with an axe and nobody will know. Saying it's bad is just theoritizing, what's the actual problem you're having?"
    You've still avoided answering the question: What is the actual problem(s) that you are having?

    An ax is not the only solution to a problem.

    And I think you've missed the point of the first part of what I wrote. I'm merely pointing out that "worthiness" is a condition for your love. It doesn't matter whether you've decided whether she's worthy or unworthy. The fact that such a decision determines whether you stay together or split makes your love conditional.

    You're just beating around the bush.

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