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Thread: Am I being a coward?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I am not sure cowardice is really what you are. Maybe more of a martyr.

    Why do you think it immoral to break up with someone?

    Do you think it is immoral to change jobs? move to new cities? make any changes or decisions about you're own life?

    Is this you first relationship? If not, how did the others end?

  2. #12
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    Classic case of paralysis by analysis. Caught in your head which is preventing you from taking action.

    As you are a conflict coward in your words this is how you have learnt to take action and to resolve conflict which is taking no action. Being completely passive in your own life. When others make decisions for you I imagine you find that relieving but I might be wrong.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Do you think it makes you a better person to stay and suffer?

    Do you think you are making her happy?

  4. #14
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    Don't waste another 3 years of your life by staying with her. Do you think she will not be able to survive without you?

    There should never be unconditional love in a romantic relationship. I believe that this should only be present between parent and child.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why did you move in so soon?

  7. #16
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    wrong thread.

  8. #17
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    You’re codependent. You’ve made yourself responsible for her happiness and well-being.

    Nobody wants to hurt another person when they break up, I get it. Songs are written about it, books and plays and TikToks galore. If you want to stay in the relationship it’s your choice and there’s nothing wrong with it. It doesn’t make you a coward, it just means that’s your choice.

    I believe you are a victim of a false narrative: “either I martyr myself in misery or be doomed to a series of miserable and half-hearted relationships.” That’s not a judgement, just an observation. If those are the only ways you see then it makes perfect sense to stay in your relationship.

    Good luck, friend.

  9. #18

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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I am not sure cowardice is really what you are. Maybe more of a martyr.
    I'll look up on that. Actually it makes sense. As I've been brought up, martyrdom was supposed to be a noble thing...

    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Why do you think it immoral to break up with someone?
    Yes, when breaking up is giving up on a person who (thinks she) needs you asks for a second chance.

    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Do you think it is immoral to change jobs? move to new cities? make any changes or decisions about you're own life?
    I actually have a funny answer to that. I believe "liking" and "not liking" is a bit wrong reason to change things. About a city - I live in a place that is uncomfortable to me, it exasberates my anxiety. I feel that if I move to another city, this city "defeated" me. I will feel free to move when I work over my issues living here and do it from my own choice and not because I couldn't cope.
    Same with a job - if you feel uncomfortable on a job, it's not a reason to move, it's a reason to adapt. You can move if there is another job that is more challenging.
    But I won't be able to adapt to a relationship more challenging that my current.
    Yeah, I know, it's a bit of a twisted thinking... But then, I feel defeated and suppose the challenge will catch up with me when I try to escape challenges and hardships.

    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Is this you first relationship? If not, how did the others end?
    A second significant. The other one was a bit similar, and my ex decided to end it.
    Still I felt guilty for several years after the breakup that I couldn't make it work for her.

    Originally Posted by ninjabib
    When others make decisions for you I imagine you find that relieving but I might be wrong.
    Yes it's relieving when others make decisions to give up on me. It's their choice, I'm not the one who had given up.

    I don't know, I have a sense that it's morally wrong to go with "let's just do it and see what happens" when it's about hurting people. I believe all the evil things in life happen because people decide to experiment by hurting others and see how it works out.

    That's why the death sentence was abolished, because we never really know... And here I yet have not established "beyond reasonable doubt" that the relationship is not livable.

    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Do you think it makes you a better person to stay and suffer?
    Suffering for the cause is noble, and it makes a better person of a man, isn't it? I'm not kidding. I know a part of me thinks it may be pathetic, but another part thinks it's true.

    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Do you think you are making her happy?
    She asks for it, who am I to tell her what's good for her. Isn't it patronizing and insulting to tell her "i believe it's for the best of both of us if we end this relationship"?

    Also, when a person asks for a second (and nth) chance, won't a better person give them that chance?

    You have an interesting signature:
    "If you change nothing, nothing changes.
    The cause of the pain is NEVER the cure for the pain."

    How did you came to know it?
    Is it from the personal experience?
    Don't they say in the gym that "no pain no gain" and "if it's feels easy, you are on the downturn"?
    I have a hunch that the only solution to the suffering is to engage with the suffering until your mind gives up on treating the situation as "suffering"...
    I have a hunch that by constantly changing things, we give our neurosis an upper leg...

    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Do you think she will not be able to survive without you?
    I don't know.
    If she's unable to survive without me should I stay? Also, I want her to be happy, not just survive...

    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    There should never be unconditional love in a romantic relationship. I believe that this should only be present between parent and child.
    That's really interesting. I've been thinking of it...
    Don't you expect to be loved unconditionally?
    Is conditional love not "real" love?
    Doesn't it make you stressed knowing that you are loved conditionally?
    Do you expect from your partner to be there for you if you are in a crisis?

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Why did you move in so soon?
    For some logistical reasons related to the location of work - by coincidence, the small company I worked for relocated itself to a city she lives in. And also she pushed for it and I sort of rolled with it.

    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    You’ve made yourself responsible for her happiness and well-being.
    Are we not responsible for each other happiness and well-being? What's the point of the relationship otherwise?

    I have this quote from the "little prince" stuck with me:

    "Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You
    become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for
    your rose..."
    Is this quote a false narrative? It feels true...
    Last edited by user0x24; 03-25-2020 at 03:57 AM.

  10. #19
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    Good grief, man.

    I don't mean to sound insensitive but you are your own worst enemy here. What does your therapist say about your tendency to micro-analyze to this extent?

    You seem utterly paralyzed by both your own looped thoughts.

  11. #20

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    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    I believe you are a victim of a false narrative: “either I martyr myself in misery or be doomed to a series of miserable and half-hearted relationships.” That’s not a judgement, just an observation. If those are the only ways you see then it makes perfect sense to stay in your relationship.
    Yes this is my narrative. I have a hunch that my mind needs to give up on treating "working hard on the relationship" as "misery" and learn to take satisfaction in the work, but the anxiety and frustration doesn't make it easy...

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