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Thread: My fiancť is watching porn

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by jimthzz
    OK, so is it possible that she searched the term after reading or viewing a news article on the subject and was curious?

    We've gone from searching on the phone to potentially walking away from the relationship or to tease it out of her ("it" being some kind of admission).

    I suggest that you just ask her why she was searching for the term on the phone.

    Presuming that she has a secret fetish or addiction is extreme. It's worth asking her what was up.
    Ok so Iíve listened to all the above advice, Iím just asked her outright.
    I said I would like to speak to you about something and I canít help but think, she new what it was about.
    I asked her to let me say my peace before she said anything and I explained the situation and how I came across it, I was truthful and said that I looked for 30-40 seconds.
    She was clearly embarrassed, and didnít want to talk about it.
    So I asked her if she had been masturbating to it, she said yes.
    I told her how it made me feel and then I walked away because I was getting so angry I could feel my blood boiling.

    (Iím not after sympathy just trying to be honest about me feelings)

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Either it's a dealbreaker for you or not. When you want someone to change in a major way to be happy, then it's not the right relationship for you. It's best not to hope for change, since she already knows how you feel but she engages in that activity anyway.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Seanq
    Ok so Iíve listened to all the above advice, Iím just asked her outright.
    I said I would like to speak to you about something and I canít help but think, she new what it was about.
    I asked her to let me say my peace before she said anything and I explained the situation and how I came across it, I was truthful and said that I looked for 30-40 seconds.
    She was clearly embarrassed, and didnít want to talk about it.
    So I asked her if she had been masturbating to it, she said yes.
    I told her how it made me feel and then I walked away because I was getting so angry I could feel my blood boiling.

    (Iím not after sympathy just trying to be honest about me feelings)
    Well, I'm not exactly sure why you would allow yourself to become so affected by her watching unless of course she is denying you sex and then going on porn sites and relieving herself instead of having sex with you... however, I'm not you and you are entitled to react the way you have.

    You've found out that you don't have the same sensibilities about porn use so perhaps now that you've found out, it is a deal breaker for you... or even her for that matter because it means you expect her to give up something she enjoys.

    If she just masturbated when she's not with you and didn't use porn as a visual to arousal, would you be just as negatively affected by it?

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Well, I'm not exactly sure why you would allow yourself to become so affected by her watching unless of course she is denying you sex and then going on porn sites and relieving herself instead of having sex with you... however, I'm not you and you are entitled to react the way you have.

    You've found out that you don't have the same sensibilities about porn use so perhaps now that you've found out, it is a deal breaker for you... or even her for that matter because it means you expect her to give up something she enjoys.

    If she just masturbated when she's not with you and didn't use porn as a visual to arousal, would you be just as negatively affected by it?
    No it would be no where near as big of a deal if the porn wasnít involved.
    Il be honest and say Iíd question it, ďwhy is she doing that when Iím here for herĒ but I would let it go and certainly not be turning to this site.
    I get that humans enjoy masturbating, I do.
    I just think thereís a line.
    Sheís getting sexual gratification from other people, yes over a video but pretend for one second it was real life.
    The same people
    Is that a fantasy ?
    Maybe Iím just paranoid,

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Seanq
    No it would be no where near as big of a deal if the porn wasnít involved.
    Which implies that it would still be a deal of some sort to you.
    Il be honest and say Iíd question it, ďwhy is she doing that when Iím here for herĒ
    I would imagine because most of all mankind and animal kind masturbates at one time or another. Sometimes we just get an urge to have an orgam without all the mechanics that making love takes.
    but I would let it go and certainly not be turning to this site.
    If she's not denying you sex then I think you would do yourself a favor to look within as to why you can't just let it go. Period. How really, does what she does in her own personal time affect you is a good question to ask yourself. Perhaps if you find that it doesn't really affect you at all, then you will be able to relax about it and not cause friction between the two of you. (????) Something to think about.
    I get that humans enjoy masturbating, I do.
    I just think thereís a line.
    Where would you draw it and why? The "and why" part is the important one to delve into with yourself.
    Sheís getting sexual gratification from other people,
    This I very much doubt. She is using the visual to help with arousal but she's only getting the gratification from her own administrations. If she was live chatting with people to get off then I wouldn't doubt your take on it at all.

    yes over a video but pretend for one second it was real life.
    It's not "real life" though is it.

    Is that a fantasy ?
    Likely only a visual aid.
    Maybe Iím just paranoid,
    ... or perhaps insecure and feeling out of control?

  7. #26
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Seanq
    Itís a combination of a few things that are getting to me.

    A) Iím here whenever to have sex. Even just to give her pleasure (Itís amazing sex - her words)
    B) She knows due to previous conversations / chit chat that I donít like porn and think itís disrespectful
    C) Shes being secretive about it,
    D) The type of videos sheís watching
    E) She will decline me, then watch porn (you know like when you try it on in the morning (we all been there) and the partners not in the mood **which is fine** but then you find out watches porn when you go to work

    How is it perfectly normal to get sexual pleasure from other people whilst in a loving relationship
    Sounds like a control issue to me. I have control issues pop up from time to time too - and in one of your other posts about anger boiling over because she did something you didnít approve of I could recognize those feelings.

    Any chance of letting this one go for the sake of your relationship? I mean, it sounds like you guys have a good thing going (with amazing sex to boot!) Let it go man. Just like I couldnít tell you how to open your fist if you asked me how to unclench your hand, I canít explain how to ďlet goĒ of your need for her to feel the same way as you do about porn - but itís still essentially that easy! If you decide you donít want to allow your hang up about pornography to fester and rot a part or many parts of your relationship, you can breathe deeply and LET GO. Stop asking about her private thought life. Completely and permanently. Resolve to do one nice thing for her anytime the feeling of resentment creeps up. Mentally list three things you are grateful to your wife for if you start getting worked up. There are probably a zillion other things you can think of too if you decide you want to change your dynamic.

    If you canít or would prefer not to let it go and itís going to be a problem moving forward, then whoís responsibility is it to find a solution for the problem?
    Last edited by Skeptic76; 03-24-2020 at 12:35 PM.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Seanq
    I guess weird was perhaps the wrong word as whoís to say what is a actually *weird*
    But the majority was to do with incest ďin a senseĒ

    Little sister this
    Step daddy that
    Big brother watched me etc

    It makes me feel sick even typing it.
    Not something you would stereotype towards a grown woman watching. Maybe Iím being naive.
    That is weird. I would't be happy with that either.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 03-24-2020 at 12:39 PM.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Which implies that it would still be a deal of some sort to you.
    I would imagine because most of all mankind and animal kind masturbates at one time or another. Sometimes we just get an urge to have an orgam without all the mechanics that making love takes. If she's not denying you sex then I think you would do yourself a favor to look within as to why you can't just let it go. Period. How really, does what she does in her own personal time affect you is a good question to ask yourself. Perhaps if you find that it doesn't really affect you at all, then you will be able to relax about it and not cause friction between the two of you. (????) Something to think about.
    Where would you draw it and why? The "and why" part is the important one to delve into with yourself.
    This I very much doubt. She is using the visual to help with arousal but she's only getting the gratification from her own administrations. If she was live chatting with people to get off then I wouldn't doubt your take on it at all.

    It's not "real life" though is it.

    Likely only a visual aid.
    ... or perhaps insecure and feeling out of control?
    Straight to the point, but will respect and try to understand your thoughts
    Thank you

  10. #29
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I'm sorry but I missed the part telling what type of porn she was accessing. To your knowledge has she ever been sexually abused? Even with the "weird" factor, you would still be insecure/jealous/have feelings of being out of control likely no matter what the genre she was viewing which I think you would still do well to look into in yourself.

    I guess the bottom line here is you will never trust her to give up her particular pleasure so that you feel good about yourself so now is a good time to dig deep and assess whether you should be with her.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    Sounds like a control issue to me. I have control issues pop up from time to time too - and in one of your other posts about anger boiling over because she did something you didnít approve of I could recognize those feelings.

    Any chance of letting this one go for the sake of your relationship? I mean, it sounds like you guys have a good thing going (with amazing sex to boot!) Let it go man. Just like I couldnít tell you how to open your fist if you asked me how to unclench your hand, I canít explain how to ďlet goĒ of your need for her to feel the same way as you do about porn - but itís still essentially that easy! If you decide you donít want to allow your hang up about pornography to fester and rot a part or many parts of your relationship, you can breathe deeply and LET GO. Stop asking about her private thought life. Completely and permanently. Resolve to do one nice thing for her anytime the feeling of resentment creeps up. Mentally list three things you are grateful to your wife for if you start getting worked up. There are probably a zillion other things you can think of too if you decide you want to change your dynamic.

    If you canít or would prefer not to let it go and itís going to be a problem moving forward, then whoís responsibility is it to find a solution for the problem?
    Itís still very early days but for the sake of my relationship I am going to try and let it go.
    I feel very low in myself currently as Iím now anxious that I have control issues.

    When I believe that I donít.
    I just think itís weird the my fiancť is getting off to porn. Itís as simple as that

    Everyone who has commented
    Can you 100% say you would be ok with this?

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