Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 6 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 52

Thread: My fiancé is watching porn

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    2,639
    Gender
    Female
    If you hadn't found out, would you say that you are happy with your sex life and its frequency? What about your relationship in general? If your sex life and the rest of your relationship are fine, imo, there is no point in making an issue out of this. It's just about some fantasy that she can't act out with you so she is using porn as an outlet. Had you not invaded her privacy, there would be no issue and everyone would be happy.

    If you were not happy with your sex life to begin with, then this might be a symptom of some other deeper relationship issue that you might need to address. It sounds like you might be resentful about some aspect of your sex life and this discovery is bringing it out. In that case, you need to address the real resentment and the real cause rather than focus on your discovery, which might be just another manifestation of whatever is missing.

    Judging her for her PRIVATE fantasies that she keeps to herself imo sounds unfair. If however you feel that this difference in your values is irreconcilable then you need to rethink whether you can make each other happy in the long-term...

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    37,648
    Gender
    Male
    Do you have the same values when it comes to culture, religion, etc.? If you live together unmarried why are you aghast that she is researching porn on her phone as if sexuality were not allowed in single women?

    How do you know she was 'getting off on' this as opposed to curiosity? It seems as though there is a lack of communication, replaced by many assumptions and judgement. There also seems to be a lack of trust on your part, where she freely let you browse through her phone.

    You need to talk, however it seems you don't want to reveal your dirty secret of snooping through her phone making assumptions. She on the other hand has nothing to hide, it seems.
    Originally Posted by Seanq
    When I started to type the drop downs of recent searches appeared. *porn* being one of them.I feel sick that she’s *enjoying* watching this stuff

  3. #13
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    14
    Originally Posted by Clio
    If you hadn't found out, would you say that you are happy with your sex life and its frequency? What about your relationship in general? If your sex life and the rest of your relationship are fine, imo, there is no point in making an issue out of this. It's just about some fantasy that she can't act out with you so she is using porn as an outlet. Had you not invaded her privacy, there would be no issue and everyone would be happy.

    If you were not happy with your sex life to begin with, then this might be a symptom of some other deeper relationship issue that you might need to address. It sounds like you might be resentful about some aspect of your sex life and this discovery is bringing it out. In that case, you need to address the real resentment and the real cause rather than focus on your discovery, which might be just another manifestation of whatever is missing.

    Judging her for her PRIVATE fantasies that she keeps to herself imo sounds unfair. If however you feel that this difference in your values is irreconcilable then you need to rethink whether you can make each other happy in the long-term...
    Our sex life is fine. Il define what I mean by fine.

    We have sex probably twice a week, sometime it’s just normal, sometimes it can get a bit interesting.
    There’s no issue in either one of us *satisfying* the other, no problems in the bedroom or anything out of the ordinary.

    I didn’t invade her privacy as such, I didn’t go out of my way to get her phone and snoop. Iv never done that once in 3 years.

    Her phone was on the side and she asked me to google something *pomegranate* so I typed in

    P... O....

    Then the drop down appears

    Porn xxx step bro
    Porn mom watches step daughter
    Etc etc

    I then clicked back back and typed P O R N
    Then it all appeared. So I had kind of all ready stumbled across it

  4. #14
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    14
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Do you have the same values when it comes to culture, religion, etc.? If you live together unmarried why are you aghast that she is researching porn on her phone as if sexuality were not allowed in single women?

    How do you know she was 'getting off on' this as opposed to curiosity? It seems as though there is a lack of communication, replaced by many assumptions and judgement. There also seems to be a lack of trust on your part, where she freely let you browse through her phone.

    You need to talk, however it seems you don't want to reveal your dirty secret of snooping through her phone making assumptions. She on the other hand has nothing to hide, it seems.
    There probably is a lack of trust on my part now because after conversations in the past (way before all this) we spoke about how I feel it’s disrespectful and would never do it.
    I just feel frustrated as I didn’t think image was like that :/
    Maybe I’m being a fool

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    6,354
    I will give you the exact same advice I give to women who are complaining about men watching porn to this degree.

    She might have a porn addiction and if this is causing you (her partner) to feel threatened like this and downgraded, then it's definitely a problem.
    Even more so if she is choosing porn over intimacy with you.

    You need to sit down with her, talk to her and tell her that you are not comfortable with what she is doing. But understand that you cannot threaten or force or punish. All you can literally do is tell her this is bothering you and hope she cares enough about you to ease off the porn.
    But if she doesn't, then it truly is up to you whether you remain with someone who is into porn to this degree.

    Some people don't mind their partner watching, some like to watch it with their partner or on their own as well, and some don't like any of it at all.

    It is perfectly fine if you don't like it and don't want to be with a partner who watches it. That is your right to not like it or to not accept it.
    We all have boundaries of what is acceptable or isn't in a relationship, what we can cope with and what we cannot.
    You are not wrong for not liking this.

    The unfortunate part comes in when you are with a partner who does not feel the same way about porn as you do. You two are then incompatible and it will cause a lot of hardship and upset.
    In that situation, there are very little choices. The one partner who is watching porn can stop watching, (which to be honest is very unlikely) or the more realistic option is just to admit that you two don't see eye to eye on something that is very important to you and is causing you too much stress.

    In that case, it's time to say goodbye. There really isn't much else you can do. Hopefully find someone who thinks more like you do and doesn't enjoy porn watching either.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    37,648
    Gender
    Male
    Many people google all sorts of weird stuff because a friend, the news, something they read, saw, etc. Sadly you are assuming the worst. And you are the one at this point who is hiding things, not her. For example my browser probably says "fecal corona" as a search. How weird is that?

    Also many times junk that comes up in search fields are suggested by a google algorithms not what someone actually searches. You need to chill and get the paranoia and insecurity in check.

    Stop policing her phone and thinking the worst. If something else is really going on and this is some form of confirmation bias, stop and reflect what the heart of the matter really is for you.
    Originally Posted by Seanq
    There probably is a lack of trust on my part now because after conversations in the past (way before all this) we spoke about how I feel it’s disrespectful and would never do it.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    6,354
    "fecal corona"


    OP, just talk to her. Stop guessing, go and see if you and she are on the same page or not.

  9. #18
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    14
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I will give you the exact same advice I give to women who are complaining about men watching porn to this degree.

    She might have a porn addiction and if this is causing you (her partner) to feel threatened like this and downgraded, then it's definitely a problem.
    Even more so if she is choosing porn over intimacy with you.

    You need to sit down with her, talk to her and tell her that you are not comfortable with what she is doing. But understand that you cannot threaten or force or punish. All you can literally do is tell her this is bothering you and hope she cares enough about you to ease off the porn.
    But if she doesn't, then it truly is up to you whether you remain with someone who is into porn to this degree.

    Some people don't mind their partner watching, some like to watch it with their partner or on their own as well, and some don't like any of it at all.

    It is perfectly fine if you don't like it and don't want to be with a partner who watches it. That is your right to not like it or to not accept it.
    We all have boundaries of what is acceptable or isn't in a relationship, what we can cope with and what we cannot.
    You are not wrong for not liking this.

    The unfortunate part comes in when you are with a partner who does not feel the same way about porn as you do. You two are then incompatible and it will cause a lot of hardship and upset.
    In that situation, there are very little choices. The one partner who is watching porn can stop watching, (which to be honest is very unlikely) or the more realistic option is just to admit that you two don't see eye to eye on something that is very important to you and is causing you too much stress.

    In that case, it's time to say goodbye. There really isn't much else you can do. Hopefully find someone who thinks more like you do and doesn't enjoy porn watching either.
    Thank you for your detailed response,

    I think next time sex is on the cards I’m going to lightly suggest watching it together and see how she feels about it.

    Side note - I don’t feel insecure about myself in anyway, iv also had a few other serious partners in the past who all shared my view with this topic.

    If I was rejecting her for sex or the likes and she was watching porn... I’d get it

  10. #19
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    6,354
    I actually agree with you, OP.

    I am not insecure either but my choice is to be with someone who isn't into porn. It's not what turns me on, I find it somewhat crass and I prefer to have a partner who has the same opinion on the matter.

    Not everyone does, and that's okay. But for my own personal choices, I'm not into it.

    As for lightly suggesting, what will you do if she is happy you suggested and wants to watch it? Secondly, why go around about it like that and no just ask straight out? I am wondering if you two aren't incompatible in more ways than one if you're this worried to be straight forward with her.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Posts
    2,104
    OK, so is it possible that she searched the term after reading or viewing a news article on the subject and was curious?

    We've gone from searching on the phone to potentially walking away from the relationship or to tease it out of her ("it" being some kind of admission).

    I suggest that you just ask her why she was searching for the term on the phone.

    Presuming that she has a secret fetish or addiction is extreme. It's worth asking her what was up.

Page 2 of 6 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •