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Thread: 8 months later. Still confused.

  1. #1

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    8 months later. Still confused.

    Hi all. Looking for some advice... and I'll be honest I'm on this forum because if I told any of my friends that I'd spoken with my ex today, they would yell at me. I blame coronavirus for making me soft.

    My ex and I broke up 8 months ago at the end of June 2019. I had no idea it was coming. We had been together 3 years. We were supposed to move in together in July. He reasoning was that :

    a) he couldn't imagine himself living with anyone, ever (even though by my understanding he had been excited to about it weeks/months prior)
    b) he believed he had become complacent at work because of our relationship and
    c) he couldn't give me the things I wanted in life (marriage, travel) - marriage isn't important to me, my ex has a phobia of flying

    After having a lot of time to think about the reasons he gave me I believe it boils down to one thing -- he wasn't ready to commit to me. Hindsight now but bolting is definitely a reoccurring pattern in his previous relationships.

    A little background about us -- we were really happy together. We clicked in a way I've never experienced before and I suppose I'm still stunned he broke things off. When I mentioned we could go to therapy to help get through these some of these issues he told me he wasn't willing to compromise. Part of me thinks he has a habit of self-sabotaging - believing he wasn't good enough for me. He told me he didn't want to "waste me time."

    He was my best friend and I miss him everyday.

    Fast forward to now. I've blocked him on social media, haven't talked to him since September of last year. The pain is still very real for me. But with everything going on I felt compelled to reach out because YES I still care. I only said that I hoped him and his family were healthy and safe.

    He assured me that him and his family were okay and then thanked me for reaching out. He said "I've literally been spending all this pandemic time alone and a lot of it I spending wondering and worrying about you." He also said he had asked a mutual friend of ours where I was because he was worried I was all alone and wanted "peace of mind."

    When I asked him how he was he said he was okay. He told me he tried yoga for the first time - something that I always had recommended to him while we were together. He also said he has been talking to a therapist, which I recommended when he broke things off between us.

    I know that he can worry and wonder about me without wanting to get back together. But am I crazy? Doesn't it mean something that I am still in his thoughts? That he's trying to improve himself with ideas I recommended? I'm too close and I can't help but read into all of it.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I would go by whatever he says. If he says he misses you and would like to talk about trying again then that's what he means. If he just says he thinks about you often but makes no reference to talking about reconciling or just wanting to contact you to reconnect, then that's what he means.

    He had been worrying about you but didn't attempt to make contact. That's what I would go by.

  3. #3

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    That's very true. Action speaks louder than words.

    Is there any value in telling him how I feel? It's something that I'm quite torn about. On one hand I believe if reconciliation is possible it should come from him not me. But on the other hand, I do believe there is value to being open and honest with your feelings.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by thedane
    That's very true. Action speaks louder than words.

    Is there any value in telling him how I feel? It's something that I'm quite torn about. On one hand I believe if reconciliation is possible it should come from him not me. But on the other hand, I do believe there is value to being open and honest with your feelings.
    Do you think he doesn't know how you feel?

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  6. #5

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    I don't know. The last time I told him how I felt was in August when I was super raw from the break up. I feel like I have more perspective now.

    The mutual friend I mentioned might've told him some stuff, but I don't know what. And honestly I'd rather he hear it from me, in my own words.

    I'll be moving across the country soon and I suppose it would be my grand overture. To tell him how I feel and either open or shut the door between us.

  7. #6
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    I don't see a reason for you to tell him how you feel, no. I don't think it's going to change anything and it will likely only serve to hurt you further when he doesn't reciprocate.

    I think maybe he felt a little guilty that he didn't reach out to see how you are during the midst of this pandemic, but notice that he wasn't motivated to make the first contact of his own volition. That came from you. He isn't giving you any indication that reconciliation is on his mind.

    Thus, based on everything you have written, I feel this is a door that is better left closed.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it sounds like you were not compatible in terms of marriage, values, goals, timelines, living together, etc.

    Ok so you reached out during a world crisis and checked in that you are both ok. No harm done. However you seem to have insight that he can care, as a normal human being would, but not want to reconcile. Now let it go, try not to backpedal mentally.
    Originally Posted by thedane
    with everything going on I felt compelled to reach out because YES I still care. He assured me that him and his family were okay and then thanked me for reaching out.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Let there be no misunderstanding whatsoever. He broke up with you because he was not willing to have a committed relationship with you. However, being a texting buddy is permissible for him. It is YOUR decision whether or not you wish to be "just a texting friend" with your ex-boyfriend or permanently go your separate ways.

    Don't bother reading into him. He's your ex-boyfriend now and you need to decide if you wish to continue just being his texting friend or cut it off with him permanently.


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