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Thread: has my friend moved on?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You need to look at it from her point of view. It is too overwhelming and smothering that she is your only friend and you rely on her for your sole outlet in your social world, which is a very small world that you've confined yourself to.

    You are self-sabotaging in this way. A romantic partner would end up feeling the same way with you, if you don't have a full support system and fulfilling life without them.

    There are so many outlets you can explore once social distancing is no longer an issue. Look at Meetup.com for activity groups in your area. People meet up for a variety of activities depending on the group--kayaking, bicycling, hiking, going to local festivals. You can join a book discussion group. Take dance classes, cooking lessons, painting courses. Volunteer at a local zoo or museum.

    Never put all of your eggs in one basket, because as you see, friendships often evolve to something else, and sometimes fade away or end. It happens to everyone. You should never have to convince someone to stay in your life. If they don't make the effort, you mirror that, and only put effort into someone who shares your level of engagement. Their actions tell you all you need to know.

    Stop with the excuses that you're an introvert. So am I, but I'm in a book critique group where we critique each other's novel chapters, meeting twice a month, and I've taken many types of dance classes in the past, and volunteered at the zoo for a year. When you do something you're passionate about, people who share that passion will naturally want to speak with you about it, and a nice rapport might happen.

    Just don't be overeager and scare people away. Be patient and let friendships form organically instead of pushing for every person you meet to be an instant friend. See it as enjoying a person's company for whatever situation you're in, and don't project to the future. Good luck.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by w1zard
    I'm just going to take her hint and piss off, I would see her once a month either to visit her at her work or do something. We used to be tight, she would be sad when we did not talk on the phone and be excited when we did, told me we are always going to be together and other stuff and we were close when we sat next to eachother talking about our lives. Maybe she liked me more then a friend I dunno, but I was just happy to have a friend because my social isolation makes me depressed. Hope I find other friends 1 day.
    I wonder, do you think perhaps that you like her as more than a friend?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by w1zard
    I'm just going to take her hint and piss off, I would see her once a month either to visit her at her work or do something. We used to be tight, she would be sad when we did not talk on the phone and be excited when we did, told me we are always going to be together and other stuff and we were close when we sat next to eachother talking about our lives. Maybe she liked me more then a friend I dunno, but I was just happy to have a friend because my social isolation makes me depressed. Hope I find other friends 1 day.
    I'm sorry your friend is treating you with indifference.

    I admit that I was your friend back in the day. I had more close friends when I was single. Then when I met my husband, he and his family became my whole world in addition to my siblings and mother. I cast everyone else by the wayside. Gradually, my friends and I drifted apart as they too were very busy with their careers, boyfriends, husbands and then when both of us started raising families, a real separation occurred. We exchanged Christmas cards every year, friends moved away and we no longer had much in common anymore. This is how it is for most people in this world. It's no one's fault because life happens.

    We get too consumed with our own lives, people branch out and carve out new lives with new people in it. Life constantly evolves as do many friendships. Friends come and go and not everyone remains friends during your lifetime.

    I have a rare BFF from childhood and we've remained local which is unusual. My friend did not waltz into my life during adulthood. My BFF is from when we were 9 years old. Whenever I tell my story to others, they're envious and surprised. I'm very fortunate and blessed. My friend and I meet for all day shopping and lunch outings once or twice a month throughout the year. Sometimes the 4 of us including our husbands would dine out together (in the past pre-COVID-19 pandemic).

    I was tight with my cousin (my mother's niece). We've drifted apart. She resides 400 miles away from me, she has 2 kids, her husband is afflicted with several very serious autoimmune disorders, she is the sole breadwinner and she is stressed. We're no longer close because her miserable life consumes her 24 / 7. I'm letting go and letting her live her own life.

    You can't cling onto the past including your former tight friendship. Don't take her drifting apart from you personally. There's lack of interest in you. Her focus is on her boyfriend, her new lifestyle, their new social life together, their schedules and their whole new world of blissful happiness. I was the same as your girlfriend. People's desires change from friendship to relationships, marriages and family life. I'm sorry you feel out of the loop, rejected and discarded.

    Birds of a feather flock together. Naturally, people are with those they have in common with whether it's relationship status, religion, sometimes income, socioeconomic status, demographics, etc. People who have more in common can relate to each other better.

    I've noticed the majority of my friends are all married. My married sister has a few divorced friends though. My widowed mother doesn't have many friends at all. I've noticed most single people hang out together. It's a couples world sometimes and sometimes a single person feels like the odd man out. However, my single brother has friends both single, married and divorced. However, overall, according to him, many of his friends are already paired up and their busy with kids so their world is separate from my brother's single lifestyle.

    Even though you're introverted, just remember people won't come to you. You have to approach them in order to begin cultivating, nurturing and maintain new friendships. You have to start somewhere. For now during this COVID-19 pandemic, try going the virtual route and when it's safe, you can venture out and meet them in person while maintaining the 6 ft rule in public.

    Social isolation is depressing. I'm sorry you're going through this, w1zard. Make an effort to do something about it. Also, don't focus on one friend only. People are very busy and don't want to feel hounded, suffocated and smothered. Have a happy medium by developing several friendships so you won't be perceived as clingy and insecure. And, learn to be independent and find happiness from within. You'll attract more people by being strong, you're own person, enjoying your independence and figuring out how to be happy by yourself whenever you're not with others.

  4. #14
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    Just wanted to say we finally had a phone call. She thinks it's the end of the world and wont be seeing her boyfriend for a month because of this pandemic, did not talk long. That whole 6 foot rule I try my best to make it work but at my job it's kind of impossible and I am coughing more these days. Can't wait until this pandemic is finished sometime in the far future.

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  6. #15
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    I cannot stand when women dump friends just because their marital/romantic relationship/child status changes. It's so short sighted and foolish. Some of my best friends over the years- meaning over the last 40 plus years - have had very different lifestyles/status as me at the times we were tight and close. I dumped no one when I finally got married and had a baby at 42 nor did I just because I met a boy. Because I value friendships with both men and women and true friendships might have to be flexible to accommodate a myriad of changes -moving away, caring for elderly parents, divorce, parenthood, changing careers/professions/schools - but if you're true friends you make it work. If the person wants to be "smug married" or whatever who needs that. Some of my most loyal friends when I had a newborn and my husband was traveling a lot for example did not have children. Made no difference -why would it? Human beings are immensely capable of adapting to change. When they care enough. I cared enough. So did they.

    Again you might need to be flexible on schedule changes - when I had a boyfriend I wasn't going to hangout with my girlfriends on a weekend night more than every so often if that's when my boyfriend and I could see each other, wasn't going to go to singles events anymore etc. When I had a newborn I basically stopped going out at night all together. And I couldn't be flexible about his nap times when he was a baby so if my friend was late to meet me for lunch and nap time was an hour later, I had to leave earlier than planned. For example. I showed the same flexibility before I was married/had a baby, etc. of those friends who did.

    Friends who dump you or don't honor your bond just because their life status changes -you don't need them. Good luck!!

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by w1zard
    Just wanted to say we finally had a phone call. She thinks it's the end of the world and wont be seeing her boyfriend for a month because of this pandemic, did not talk long. That whole 6 foot rule I try my best to make it work but at my job it's kind of impossible and I am coughing more these days. Can't wait until this pandemic is finished sometime in the far future.
    What kind of job do you have that you cannot stay away from people more than 6 feet unless you are a nurse? Please stay home if you are coughing!! Do not infect other people. It will go on a really long time if more people behave like you are doing.

  8. #17
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    Busy grocery store in a tiny department.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I cannot stand when women dump friends just because their marital/romantic relationship/child status changes. It's so short sighted and foolish. Some of my best friends over the years- meaning over the last 40 plus years - have had very different lifestyles/status as me at the times we were tight and close. I dumped no one when I finally got married and had a baby at 42 nor did I just because I met a boy. Because I value friendships with both men and women and true friendships might have to be flexible to accommodate a myriad of changes -moving away, caring for elderly parents, divorce, parenthood, changing careers/professions/schools - but if you're true friends you make it work. If the person wants to be "smug married" or whatever who needs that. Some of my most loyal friends when I had a newborn and my husband was traveling a lot for example did not have children. Made no difference -why would it? Human beings are immensely capable of adapting to change. When they care enough. I cared enough. So did they.

    Again you might need to be flexible on schedule changes - when I had a boyfriend I wasn't going to hangout with my girlfriends on a weekend night more than every so often if that's when my boyfriend and I could see each other, wasn't going to go to singles events anymore etc. When I had a newborn I basically stopped going out at night all together. And I couldn't be flexible about his nap times when he was a baby so if my friend was late to meet me for lunch and nap time was an hour later, I had to leave earlier than planned. For example. I showed the same flexibility before I was married/had a baby, etc. of those friends who did.

    Friends who dump you or don't honor your bond just because their life status changes -you don't need them. Good luck!!
    I dumped friends when feelings were rather mutual. Both sides drifted apart due to lack of interest and enthusiasm as kids and parents outgrew each other. Also, former friends were usually there in person because we were all there at the same time such as organized sports, church, extracurricular school activities, local pool club, infant hospital club-group, work related after hours - weekend singles or newly married socializing and the like.

    Many friendships are a temporary phase dependent upon which stage of life you're at. Not everyone is willing to put forth the previous effort of being together in person if it's an inconvenient hassle. To expect "the good old days" to continue as was is very unrealistic. It's nothing personal either.

    I do indeed agree that it requires MUTUAL effort to continue cultivating, nurturing and maintain friendships otherwise it becomes an "out of sight, out of mind" mindset quite easily. Too much absence causes people to drift apart and then we become strangers. However, it's not only the dumpee's fault as it takes two to tango. If the other party lacks interest and has an indifferent attitude towards reverting to previous friendships, you can't force friendships to continue if your and their lifestyles had changed drastically. Millions of people move on and on and on throughout life. Some friends are keepers whereas others fade away. This is the normal transitional cycle of life.

    I've had hundreds of friends throughout my lifetime and it's impossible for me to maintain every single friendship regarding coffee dates, shopping, walking, entertainment or meeting for a meal. It's not feasible as there is only so much of me to go around and so many hours in the day. I have several kids, a husband, commitments to local relatives, in-laws, my career, a very busy household and life in the suburbs. I don't have that much time, energy nor resources to spread myself that thin. However, I've since retained several select, high quality friends at best. That I can do and even then it's a juggling act. My time is limited as is theirs.

    As long as people don't have unrealistic expectations, certain friendships can indeed endure as long as feelings, interests, enthusiasm and efforts are MUTUAL. What I want and can do is not always met with complete cooperation and the same enthusiasm. Again, it's nothing personal either. People will decline due to their priorities, indifference and preferences; you can't force it just because you want to continue socializing with them. They don't hate you. People move on continuously always.

    Also, I prefer to have several really close friends; the type of friends who would pick you up from the airport at 2AM at the snap of your fingers, not just 'Good Time Charlies.' I never want a bunch of acquaintances in my life again. They're nice to have. However, as I've grown older, I prefer to have super deep friendships with a few very close friends as opposed to a lot of superficial, small talk friends for a quick coffee break. Keep in mind, our preferences change, evolve and transition as years pass by. What works for you is not for everyone and we need to respect everyone's freedom of choices and free will. Don't forget that. Then there will be no more disappointments because now it becomes a reality check.

  10. #19
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    Many friendships are a temporary phase dependent upon which stage of life you're at. Not everyone is willing to put forth the previous effort of being together in person if it's an inconvenient hassle. To expect "the good old days" to continue as was is very unrealistic. It's nothing personal either.

    That has not been true at all in my life on either side with my close and true friends. Fortunately I made true friends for decades before I got married and had a child -but they got married and had a child and most of them stuck close and true. It's such a shame when that happens especially when it's a woman assuming that friends are disposable just because she married and had a child.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Many friendships are a temporary phase dependent upon which stage of life you're at. Not everyone is willing to put forth the previous effort of being together in person if it's an inconvenient hassle. To expect "the good old days" to continue as was is very unrealistic. It's nothing personal either.

    That has not been true at all in my life on either side with my close and true friends. Fortunately I made true friends for decades before I got married and had a child -but they got married and had a child and most of them stuck close and true. It's such a shame when that happens especially when it's a woman assuming that friends are disposable just because she married and had a child.
    I've only retained some friends and unfortunately, it's simply not feasible to retain all of my pre-kids friends from decades ago. I'm very busy. I don't have just an only child. I work full time. I have two sons which is exponentially more taxing than just having an only child all my life as a mother. Plus my husband traveled a lot throughout his career. Therefore, for years I was basically a single parent. There was no one to pick up the slack at the home front. I had to wear the "father" and "mother" hats for years for two sons. I did everything all by myself and didn't have consistent help from anyone. I was on my own. My mother works full time as all my relatives and in-laws. We're extremely busy people. I was extremely busy 24 / 7. Life and marriage was not easy. I didn't have time, energy and money during the thick of child rearing and my frenetically paced life.

    I'm not including social media FB friends either. Many of us drifted apart by default. We're not geographically close as many of us reside from one end of the country to the other.

    Sure, I have friends, relatives and in-laws whom we get together with regularly but it's impossible and unrealistic to retain everyone in my life due to geographical distance. We can't invite each other to our homes for dinner parties, meet them for shopping, coffee or dine out dates. I have thousands of social media FB friends but it's not the case for in person friends. I only have several very close friends whom I meet for shopping, dinners, walks and sometimes our husbands join in. Other than that, there is no other spare time for me nor them.

    I don't want acquaintances in my life. Sure, I'm nice to them but I only reserve my special times together with very close friends only. It's the way I am and MY personal preference.

    My conscience is quite clear regarding whom I dumped along the way because feelings were mutual here. We both dumped each other. We were at "the local watering hole" during different phases of our lives whether it was full time careers, association clubs in my residential neighborhood, neighbors and friends from previous moves years ago, church, school, extracurricular activities and community volunteerism. Once everyone disbanded due to no longer meeting everyday or several times a week, unfortunately friendships fizzled to no fault of one's own. It just happened and none of us had interest to continue ties. It's not from hate nor neglect. It's from indifference and no longer sharing anything in common anymore whether it was location or where our kids were at depending on their stage in life. It's nothing personal. Feeling "blah" about each other is mutual. Not everyone shares the same continued enthusiasm forever. I've had my fill of my former social butterfly days. Been there done that.

    Nowadays, I enjoy being with my husband. We do everything together including our daily residential walks and walks around our nearby golf course. Or, errands and various other social outings (especially pre-COVID-19 pandemic). I don't NEED a lot of friends. My needs are quietly, contently and blissfully met. We cook together, do home improvement stuff together and he is my best friend. He fills every void in my life. My husband is my whole world. I savor every minute with him. He is my pure joy. He wasn't around during the majority of our marriage and family life and now that he doesn't travel as frequently as in the past, we're making up for lost time. Better late than never.

    I'm happy for you, Batya33. Just know your friendships and lifestyle are not applicable to everyone on this Earth. To each his own.
    Last edited by Cherylyn; 04-12-2020 at 06:45 PM.

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