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Thread: Fiancé is unappreciative of gifts

  1. #1

    Fiancé is unappreciative of gifts

    My fiancé and I have been together for 3 very happy years. It will be a second marriage for both of us, and we each have children so we’re a blended family. That has its own challenges, but we are really good about communicating and dealing with our relationship on top of co-parenting and stepparenting. We’ve recently figured out our love languages and it’s really confirmed why we work so well: his love language is Acts of Service, and I’m a born people pleaser so I’m constantly helping him out. My love language is a combination of Affirmation and Gifts (and to clarify: that doesn’t mean materialism. It means that you feel loved when someone puts thought into something for you. Ex: I love Milk Duds. Pick up a box for me when you’re running errands and I’ll love you forever.)

    My fiancé is extremely detail-oriented and organized. He thinks about ANY decision, no matter how big or small, forever. He will think and think and overthink. Because of this, he’s impossible to please when it comes to gifts, no matter how much thought I’ve put into them. I’ve given him things similar to what he already has, brands he loves, you name it. I know him very well. But nothing I give him makes him appreciate the thoughtfulness. Even when it’s something random like he’s sick or whatever it is, the medicine I give him will be the wrong brand, even if I’ve seen him use it before.

    Example, he hurt himself and I picked up a joint/pain reliever for him when I was food shopping. As i handed it to him with a “hey! I know you’re still in pain so I grabbed this for you.” He immediately mentioned that he can get it cheaper somewhere else and that I shouldn’t have spent the money. I’m immediately hurt that he didn’t just say thank you for thinking of me. Another Example, it was his Birthday recently and he had an item that was falling apart. I bought him the SAME item brand new, in a similar style, and he told me the next day that he’d like to see other options and if he can exchange it. It feels like no matter what I do, big or small, it’s just never appreciated or kept . He has returned every single thing I’ve given him, even if he’s asked for the item I’ve bought him. He’d rather buy it himself for himself. He knows he does this and calls it a major flaw. He doesn’t do this with just me. He’s done it to everyone in his family and to his friends. It’s to the point that people just give him gift cards for holidays and birthdays.

    I’m going to be his wife. I don’t want to get him a gift card, or worse nothing ever. I pride myself on being a thoughtful person. It’s in my nature.

    What can I do to help the situation? And what should he do?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Gifts are your language, not his. Is he pathologically cheap? Is he stingy, obsessive or this passive-aggressive in other ways.

    Stop buying him what you consider "gifts". This isn't about milk duds or pain reliever. Pain reliever seems like a standard household item, not "gifts". Be more creative when it comes to love languages.

    Unfortunately there seems to be poor communication and a divide on the topic of money, spending, etc. These are huge incompatibilities you need to address before you get married. It's equally passive-aggressive to keep buying him stuff he doesn't want. You two need serious premarital counseling.
    Originally Posted by AvaDiana7
    My love language is a combination of Affirmation and Gifts

    he’s impossible to please when it comes to gifts, no matter how much thought I’ve put into them. He’d rather buy it himself for himself.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Don't buy him gifts, ....make him gifts, like baked goods, or knit him a scarf, paint him a picture, make a card and write your own poem in it, detail his car, etc. One year I made a beer bouquet for the old man, and he loved it.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    What do you find so wonderful about a man who is constantly rejecting, diminishing, and criticizing what you do? At some point, this will eat at your self esteem if it hasn't already.

    This isn't love languages, OP, this is a man with a toxic personality and yes, he is like that with everyone. It's passive aggressive rejection of people around him. Difference is that his friends can easily roll their eyes and give him a card or nothing at all, they don't live with him or deal with him daily. Friendships are overall optional and if he offends people too much, it's easy for them to walk away. You are proposing to marry this man and step directly into daily line of fire without an easy out.

    Please understand that the things that aren't working now, will only become magnified and ten times worse if you get married. I hope you give it some serious thought instead of trying to sweep these issues under the rug.

    Your issues aren't about gifts, it's about a man who is always devaluing every single thing you do. It's a game you cannot win no matter what you do because he will always shoot you down because that's his real personal pleasure - rejection.

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  6. #5
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    OP, you stated that your love language is gifts, and his is acts of service.

    What you're doing right now is like you're speaking to him in German when you know he speaks primarily Spanish (and you are able to speak Spanish as well), and getting upset over and over that he doesn't understand German. Why do you continuously speak German to him when you already know he doesn't speak your language?

    I understand that least he could do is say thank you. I'm absolutely with you there and agree he could learn how to be less dismissive of your efforts. But what I don't understand is why you keep buying things for him when you know full well what sort of response you're going to get. It's starting to look as though you're using this as barometer of his love, which makes little sense when you are fully aware that this is not the way he best receives your love.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    i agree with those that have said you are showing him the wrong love language...
    Example, he hurt himself and I picked up a joint/pain reliever for him when I was food shopping. As i handed it to him with a “hey! I know you’re still in pain so I grabbed this for you.” He immediately mentioned that he can get it cheaper somewhere else and that I shouldn’t have spent the money.
    The thing here is you are expecting him to be grateful for your own love language. Stop showing him you love him in your language and start showing him "Acts of service" in a way whatever that means to HIM. I would imagine that actually giving him a back rub (or where ever it was he hurt) would have been more appreciated than the medicine used to rub. Don't get all marose if he declines the rub, should you offer, It's his body afterall.

    You have expectations that align with you, not him.

    This isn't about him having a toxic personality IMO, you do say that you are a wonderful couple who have good communication afterall. I'm sure you don't find him to be toxic just because he doesn't get jiggy with you showing him you love him in your language, not his.

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    Stick to gift cards. Stop buying him stuff. That's your love language, not his.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You're spoiling your fiance rotten and he's taking you for granted. I've been through the same thing with a bunch of ingrates in my life whether acquaintances, friends, cousin, siblings, mother and in-laws. I've given them a TON of stuff such as the following: raced home cooked dinners, sides, desserts to their doorstep whenever their lives were in turmoil or upside down (birth, death, hospital return, financial hardship, sickness, etc.), handmade quilts, store bought gifts, online gifts, cash, very generous VISA gift cards, clothes, shoes, etc. Ever since people demonstrated ingratitude, I don't knock myself out to make other people happy anymore. I've since pulled back. Nowadays, I concentrate on my own happiness, cook for my household only, buy for myself (clothes, shoes, designer handbags), frequent hair salon more frequently (pre-COVID-19 pandemic) and have more money and time for myself as of late ever since I've scaled back my expenses, time and energy on others.

    I'd constantly home entertain, cook for everyone and invited everyone to my house yet other people never reciprocated. It was always one way which I grew tired and resentful of. Therefore, I don't home entertain anymore. I was always the hostess but no one else bothered to step up to the plate and take turns hosting dinner parties. I quit.

    As for you, you scale back. Way back. Don't do so much. Don't give anymore since he's so ungrateful. Some people are spoiled brats. You need to pull the plug on the gift giving. Stop being a people pleaser as I once was. You'll be used and taken for granted forever. You need to change otherwise you're a doormat as I was.

    Think twice whether or not you should proceed with marrying your fiance because he will not change for you. You'll always do all the giving while he does all the taking. This type of dynamic will be disastrous should you marry him.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Cherylyn. Would you like to start a thread where you can get all of this damage your friends, family, cousin, siblings have seemed to cause you? If you'd like to vent in your own thread about them, we are hear to listen. I just ask because you seem to bring them up often and I'm wondering if you'd like to start a thread to discuss fully?

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    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Mod Note: Please be respectful in regards to the opinion of other members.

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