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Thread: Stereotypical, I (F 22) have feelings for my bestfriend (F22)

  1. #1

    Stereotypical, I (F 22) have feelings for my bestfriend (F22)

    Iíve never posted before so letís hope I do this right.
    Recently (as of January) Iíve developed romanticish (Iíll explain in a second) feelings for one of my very best friends. I say romanticish because while I admire and know that I like her, I keep myself from fantasizing or really thinking about it because weíre friends and Iím terrified of being rejected. As you can already tell, I donít feel positive about the situation.

    To provide some context:
    We are apart of a kinda big friend group (6 people) and have been close friends for about 3 almost 4 years now. I didnít start off having feelings until recently. In fact, prior to a month ago I was in a 4 year relationship with a man I thought I might marry. (That situation is probably still resolving itself, we are currently broken up and not really in communication)

    My friends and I are both so I donít have to figure that part out, thankfully.
    Funny enough, I revealed to our other friends that I might like her and .. I think I did that too early. I wasnít sure completely and they pushed me to tell her because she ďalready knew something was upĒ. They has suspicions that we liked each other anyways.

    Before I told her though, our relationship got really intense. We were texting everyday. We planned to go out to dinner and the dinner felt more like a date and less like too friends hanging out. She was already visiting me everyday for lunch. It was all making me anxious and excited. She had been lightly dating a girl prior to January and that connection fell through. When she was with that girl I hardly saw her and when we did hang out one on one it was kinda rare.

    (We already talked a lot and spent a lot of one on one time together as friends. Our friendship has always been really close. Quite honestly, our friendship has been one of the closest and you could mistake us for a couple because of how frequently weíre together. )

    I ended up attempting to tell her, but I wasnít ready. So it turned into a ďIíve developed deeper friendship feelings for youĒ and that conversation was super awkward and didnít make sense. (Mind you, sheís dated one of her best friends (a guy) before and that situation kind of.. left a mark. It was a high school relationship)

    Essentially, the conversation started with ďI have feelings for youĒ and then it didnít seem like she felt the same/was in shock and she started talking about the last time she dated a bestfriend and how she loved me and how she thought I was beautiful, but she wasnít really sayin anything. I guess she was in shock? And she mentioned how she understood that since she came out everything is kinda on the table and I just retreated. Maybe Iíve done all that can be done? One of my friends says we should have a follow up convo

    However, now, itís getting worse for me and watching her talk to other girls and stuff is hard to swallow. I would like to tell her and hope she feels the same, but I donít know how or if I even should. I donít have much hope about it because weíre friends and itís hard to tell if she could feel the same. Weíve always been close touchy friends as a six friend group, so itís not easy to pick out if she has feelings.

    I canít really talk to my close friends about it cause ... theyíre her close friends too. I also feel some shame and guilt around crushing on my close friend. We matched on Tinder (which is not a big deal) and I just knew I took it very differently from how she did. She was playful about it, asking me why I swiped on her and I was joking back saying that she had to swipe too for it to match, but I donít wanna take that seriously. Iíve been avoiding her profile on other dating apps.

    Weíve all been spending loads of time together because of social distancing and Iíve been hoping something, anything, will happen so we can take it there, but she started texting someone from a dating app and I just feel defeated. Iíve been trying to find other people to talk to not to think about it or watch her

    Just wanted to get some advice on what I should do/if itís even worth it to do anything. E

    Iím nervous even posting this to the internet cause I donít wanna be found out lol

    TL;DR: I secretly have feelings for a close friend but donít know what to do since weíve been friends so long and I donít know if those feelings are reciprocated, stereotypical I know.

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by Boatsrfun
    Essentially, the conversation started with ďI have feelings for youĒ and then it didnít seem like she felt the same/was in shock and she started talking about the last time she dated a bestfriend and how she loved me and how she thought I was beautiful, but she wasnít really sayin anything. I guess she was in shock? And she mentioned how she understood that since she came out everything is kinda on the table and I just retreated. Maybe Iíve done all that can be done? One of my friends says we should have a follow up convo

    However, now, itís getting worse for me and watching her talk to other girls and stuff is hard to swallow. I would like to tell her and hope she feels the same, but I donít know how or if I even should. I donít have much hope about it because weíre friends and itís hard to tell if she could feel the same. Weíve always been close touchy friends as a six friend group, so itís not easy to pick out if she has feelings.
    If I am understanding this correctly, you already have told her. No?

    I get that the conversation sort of crumbled, but it seems to me you revealed how you felt and she didn't exactly reciprocate. I think her response to you would have been different if she felt something more for you. I am not sure what more you would like to say to her. Can you clarify?

    And if I may - coming from a country with the highest death toll from COVID-19 and having been on a complete, nation-wide lockdown going on nearly 3 weeks now, I am taking the opportunity here to remind you that social distancing means the exact opposite of spending loads of time together. I don't mean to sound like your mother, I promise, but you and your friends really need to be more responsible for your own sake and the sake of those around you who might be more at risk than you. Your health and your loved ones' health will thank you for it later.

  3. #3
    Thank you for your response!

    I didnít really leave it at ďI have feelings for youĒ I turned it into ďI have developed deeper friendship feelings for you ď and basically said I didnít wanna kiss her, but I felt protective over her. I was also still with my ex-boyfriend when I did all this( sorry I didnít mention this before) so we were talking about that situation more than we talked about these feelings.

    Also, we basically live together. Or at least we have been living together so spending loads of time together is us being in the same house all day every day for the last week. I take the current pandemic quite seriously and Iím not traveling to hang out everyday. Colleges, including hers, have shut down and required students to move out so weíre doing what we can to accommodate since she isnít from the city our college is located in. I appreciate the concern, but I think for the situation and how itís developed/affected our individual lives, this arrangement isnít breaking any social distancing rules.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You seem confused. The biggest issue is your recent ongoing breakup. What was the reason you broke up? You need to focus on that by stopping all communication. If you are on "break" and keep negotiating, you are causing yourself much heartache and confusion.

    Transferring your confusion to a friend will only complicate things further. If you are confused about your sexuality, this too is someone you need to reflect on and stop communicating with your exbf or stringing him along.
    Originally Posted by Boatsrfun
    a month ago I was in a 4 year relationship we are currently broken up and not really in communication.

    She had been lightly dating a girl prior to January and that connection fell through. When she was with that girl I hardly saw her and when we did hang out one on one it was kinda rare.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. You seem confused. The biggest issue is your recent ongoing breakup. What was the reason you broke up? You need to focus on that by stopping all communication. If you are on "break" and keep negotiating, you are causing yourself much heartache and confusion.

    Transferring your confusion to a friend will only complicate things further. If you are confused about your sexuality, this too is Iím someone you need to reflect on and stop communicating with your exbf or stringing him along.

    Iím not sure what you want all the gory details of that relationship, but here goes. We broke up because the relationship wasnít good. In our four year relationship this is the third time weíve broken up.

    First time: we were gonna be apart for about six months (he was studying abroad and then studying in DC) so we decided to end the relationship for the time being

    Second time: his parents were pressuring him about finding and job and having a life plan and he couldnít handle that stress and a relationship

    Third time: we just werenít close/ werenít having fun anymore. There was no excitement or happiness, everything felt heavy. We both didnít know what had changed or how to fix it. I didnít even wanna kiss anymore cause it felt so bad. We mutually agreed to break up to at least preserve the respect we hold for each other.

    I do miss him and I do want to talk to him, but I donít know if I want a relationship with him again. I donít trust that itíll be any different and I think Iíve been affected by the multiple breaking ups and kinda feeling like Iím an option thatís good when itís good and not when itís not. Heís a wonderful person and I love him. I just donít know if we can be together right now.

    Iím not confused about my sexuality. Iíve known I like both girls and boys for a while. He knew as well. And Iím not transferring my confusion on to my bestfriend. Though, I think the timing of when I tried to tell her about my feelings led her to believe that I liked her because I didnít like my boyfriend at the time.

    I know I havenít handled this feelings well. Iíve been trying to hide them and get rid of them because weíre close. I only attempted to say something because I was being told how bad it would be if I didnít. My attempt wasnít even honest.

    Part of me feels I should let it all go and not even try to come clean for real about how I feel. The other part wants to say something.


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