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Thread: Woman Who Emotionally Check Out - What Brought You Back ?

  1. #1
    Member MrAdversity's Avatar
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    Woman Who Emotionally Check Out - What Brought You Back ?

    Long Story Short My Marriage recently has been seriously tested by a serious of random and unfortunate events that almost went to another level, however after the fact and working though it all for the last month our discussions of how things got to this point landed on how for the past 5 yrs or so things haven't been what they seemed in our marriage..I being the one who was checked out according to her, and she (my wife) being the one coasting leaving occasional remarks, comments and discussions throughout the years of being unhappy and worried about our future all swept under the rug by me thinking because of our crazy love story history it would work itself out … Up until recently I had no idea honestly it was that bad, … How did I get to that point? Marrying into a blended family, dealing with a child with disabilities (adhd impulsivity etc) and other things to say the least left me I guess feeling not like myself mentally …not really sure as I look back on our life so far like a movie and cant believe I didn't pickup on the signs but I did however I was like a zombie suffering from my own anxiety and possible depression from my past … figuring our love and history would just be it for her …

    One night prior to the coming event ...she expressed she was emotionally checked out and basically done....again I brushed it off but she was infact done as that was the worst 2 weeks leading up to that night we've had ...her expressions, lack of love, anger etc were at its highest point ive ever seen ....

    Fast forward now that everything is out in the open on both ends ...we are actively working on things, looking for help (counseling) and basically choosing to be who we were suppose to be together by listening and communicating and loving eachother deeply and understanding its not going to be easy or fixed overnight … interestingly its been oddly amazing like being reborn or finding your spouse for the first time all over again …. There is a lot more to this, past experiences, past divorces for both of us, Parent issues etc etc …

    *However im wondering what woman are looking for after the point in which they say to themselves im emotionally done … and what worked to help bring her/you back

    The events here im speaking of are something that id rather not speak of, it was not physical for those who are curious .... ill leave it at that and im working through it all .. just having a hard time feeling secure since its a sensitive subject …
    Last edited by MrAdversity; 02-18-2020 at 12:35 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Is she having a difficult time in other areas of her life? Work, stress, coping with her disabled child, etc?

    Sometimes it's not just feeling distanced from a partner, sometimes it's too much going on, too many stressors and not knowing how to deal.

  3. #3
    Member MrAdversity's Avatar
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    You hit the nail on the head … Yes our issues stemming years unbenost to me, and dealing with work, children, her mom who stays with us and tries to help out (other area of stress) etc etc … she dropped signs all over the place one being to much stress all the time as a mom, feeling trapped etc … So yes your right and her coping mechanisms she never developed being from a Mom and daughter relationship that was pretty crazy starting at the age of 4 however she did develop some wicked defense mechanisms to cope that may never be unlearned ..

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    But you as her husband now have to decide if those defense/coping mechanisms are something you can work through together.

    It sounds as though she is still willing to work through your marriage as you said you both were looking for counselling. I am assuming that is marriage counselling?

    Partners lose their way due to many things. But it's not as complicated as it sounds and there is no finger pointing. Life can be difficult. You come home from a long day at work, it's not always easy to sit down and discuss your day and what bothered you throughout the day, due to tiredness, or you don't want to burden your partner with your venting.
    I think we all do that. Tiredness, stress, really play huge parts in life.

    The key is to find some kind of balance and it's not always easy. It does in fact, take work.
    Making efforts for one another, noticing if your partner seems more quiet or more stressed, asking if there is anything they want to talk about or how their day was.
    These things can go a long way.

    Making time for dates. Full on actual dates, where you have no kids around, where you are reminded of why you got together in the first place by making each other laugh, telling each other stories of anything that interests you, sincerely enjoying one another.
    Even if you can only manage one date night per week...it is essential. That connection is vital to remaining close and to being reminded that this is your love, not just your child's mother/father, not just the person you run the household with.

    Smaller efforts can be made daily that don't take much time but remind one another of each other's importance. Notes that you can leave for them to find, texts throughout the day letting them know you love them or are thinking of them, reminding them that you are there and that they are not alone, should they be facing more stress than usual.
    It again keeps connections that are vital to remaining close to your partner and establishing a partnership and not just a roommate situation.
    Because at the end of the day, you are meant to be each other's biggest support, each other's cheering section, and each other's main source of love and affection.

    There are times too where you or she might need time to yourselves after a stressful day. These are times where they one partner shoulders the duties for the time being so the other partner can rest, recuperate, have time to think.
    You might give her an hour or two to go and lie down, or make her a special meal. You might run her a bath and let her relax. She can do these same things for you should you encounter a bad day.
    But the bottom line is to take care of one another, be there for each other, be aware of what's going on with one another. Communicate, remain close.

    You can fix this, work through it, find new ways to cope, not only in your own personal lives but as a married couple. It is possible if you both want it and are both willing to work at it.

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  6. #5
    Member MrAdversity's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher

    Making time for dates. Full on actual dates, where you have no kids around, where you are reminded of why you got together in the first place by making each other laugh, telling each other stories of anything that interests you, sincerely enjoying one another.
    Even if you can only manage one date night per week...it is essential. That connection is vital to remaining close and to being reminded that this is your love, not just your child's mother/father, not just the person you run the household with.

    Smaller efforts can be made daily that don't take much time but remind one another of each other's importance. Notes that you can leave for them to find, texts throughout the day letting them know you love them or are thinking of them, reminding them that you are there and that they are not alone, should they be facing more stress than usual.
    It again keeps connections that are vital to remaining close to your partner and establishing a partnership and not just a roommate situation.
    Because at the end of the day, you are meant to be each other's biggest support, each other's cheering section, and each other's main source of love and affection.

    You can fix this, work through it, find new ways to cope, not only in your own personal lives but as a married couple. It is possible if you both want it and are both willing to work at it.
    Amazing! Thank you For That!! , I think in marriage what is mentioned above is monumental to just about every marriage and the reason why I believe things either start to fall apart of fall apart completely …Everyone on here should take that as a major piece of advice when looking for answers …

    The only thing I cant figure out yet is how to heal from the crack in the foundation, when you look at someone for so long and say nothing bad can ever happen to us (yes hugely naïve) but is it just time? Change in the person for the better? Healing yourself within ? its something I struggled with my whole life, that feeling of invicibility like nothing can break us as a couple and than feeling like anything can happen at anytime is an unnerving feeling ..

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Honestly, I believe it's all three and the help of a trained professional will help guide both and and your wife towards the healing you both want/need.
    Whether that be marriage counselling, personal counselling, or both.

    In many cases, it's best to not only focus on healing the marriage but healing your own self as well. You can grow as a person but grow as a couple as well.
    I hope both you and your wife choose to do both kinds of counselling.
    It will be beneficial in many ways.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    As for invincibility, well, there are no guarantees in life, right?

    We have to do the best with what we have. If you nurture something and take care of it, you stand a much better chance of it thriving.
    But 100% guarantee? Even as mortals, we all pass away, eventually.

    Learn to love your partner now, take care of each other now. Nothing is forever. And I think that unknown, will help a person to appreciate the here and now and not take things for granted.

    Wanted to add too, that we can love someone the best to our abilities, but that does not guarantee that they will do the same for us. I think a person has to (on some level) be aware of this, but not obsessive about it. You cannot control another person's actions, feelings, decisions. All you can do is do the best in your own life and your best towards them and hope for the best.

    It's not entirely comforting, but it's reasonable and it's what we all live with.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. A pro can help start the dialogue and provide some insight.
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Honestly, I believe it's all three and the help of a trained professional will help guide both and and your wife towards the healing you both want/need. Whether that be marriage counselling, personal counselling, or both..

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I could've checked out long ago due to various trials and tribulations in my marriage and family life. I think no matter how difficult times were whether financially, relationship problems with relatives and in-laws, serious health concerns and various laundry list of reasons, what made it all tolerable was my extremely supportive husband through the years. He always picked up the slack meaning he always helped me immensely with daily life. I was never burdened with carrying the load for everyone. He did everything from infant care, baby-child care, helped with child rearing, all household duties, chores (housecleaning, cooking), all errands (grocery shopping and everything), plus worked full time. I could always lean on him for support. He made life doable and tolerable despite insurmountable challenges along the way. Then when we FINALLY arrived at fruition (nowadays and today), we breathed a sigh of relief knowing we rode out the storm together in unison. It was teamwork all the way. He has always been my right hand man, extremely reliable and dependable. I knew I wasn't soldiering alone. My husband is my rock.

    If you can be a saint just like my husband, I think your wife will feel mentally lighter and less stressed. Granted, her woes are heavy but if you can lighten her load in every way imaginable, it will be a relief for her and don't wait for her to ask for help either. Jump right in and just do it without complaint, whining nor questions. Actions speak louder than words.

    I can say I'm always emotionally done because life is stressful and we all have our own troubles. However, because I know my husband is always my shield, buffer and bodyguard, somehow life feels tolerable and I can face each day knowing he's my strongest ally. Instead of complaining, I've since changed the way I think. I feel gratitude instead and ask myself, "How lucky am I?" I feel extremely fortunate no matter how hard life feels at times.

    Hopefully, you can do the same for your wife despite all adversities in this thing called life and marriage.

  11. #10
    Member MrAdversity's Avatar
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    For this reason alone I have felt so lost ...you go about your relationship thinking nothing can possibly break you two especially if you’ve grown up to love eachother so deeply and than something happens that makes you feel so little and the realization that anything can happen at anytime but I am trying to hold on to the mantra things happen for a reason ...I recently listened to an amazing podcasts about saving marriages and it was all about happiness and how it’s not about someone making you happy but how you need to make yourself happy etc but he goes on to say when there is a connection and things are moving in the right direction is when happiness is usually present feeling like your part of a team with one another that’s what it comes down to and most people look for that when things are not right because it’s easier to change than to blame yourself ..

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