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Thread: Knowing when to let go

  1. #11

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    Yes this is the worst time to have communication issues. I accept him for who he is, his personality, etc. However these are behavioral issues, which he could change if he wanted to and worked on them. He has always had a hard time expressing himself, but it has gotten worse the past year as far as not responding goes. He says it's because he hates arguing over text however him not responding is what causes the arguing.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I hear you.

    I also think it's a very dicey road to walk when you're imagining that someone "could change" so long as they "wanted to" and "worked on" it. You may believe that, but if the other person is not confirming that belief? Well, they are showing you that they don't want to change—or, really, they are showing who they are, as a person and a partner.

    Reverse it, after all, and he could maybe say the same thing, no? He could say he accepts you, your personality, etc., but just wishes you would change your behavior a bit—that you'd give him some space, not take his occasional reticence personally, and so on. That would seem very simple for him, very doable, and yet it might not be in your wheelhouse as a person.

    Guess I'm just encouraging you to see this from all sides, and to at least question whether this is as much a compatibility issue as it is a communication one. I can only speak for myself, but I think the key to being content in a relationship is not requiring much of anything to change about the other person because what they give you—just by being themselves—is enough, even more than enough.

  3. #13
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    Can you clarify, how long does he go without communicating when he's in a funk?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by caligrl
    How many times can you talk to someone about the same issues and be ignored? How long can you wait? I find myself alone during all of this going on in the world and I shouldn't be after being in a relationship for over 3 years. I just feel so alone in it all. Do I hang in through this or just let go?

    Thanks for reading.
    You aren't being shown that he values you. Why continue on with someone that doesn't give a chit? I think you've come to realize that being in a relationship where you're not being shown your value is much more lonelier than being alone. No?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately you can't change anyone. He may be doubling down because you want to change him. Do not argue over text. Let it go. Get busy with other things in your life.
    Originally Posted by caligrl
    behavioral issues, which he could change if he wanted to and worked on them.

  7. #16
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    It hurts my heart to hear the “it’s great BUT” posters because I know how it feels to war it out with the feelings of should I stay or should I go now after a significant time/heart investment.

    It’s easy to “give in” and let things continue status quo, it’s even relatively easy to throw in the towel and leave...but it’s difficult to change our own mindsets and behaviors to come to a place of acceptance for another person’s perceived foibles.

    Personally, from what little I know of you and your boyfriend, if I had to guess I would say you ARE compatible. All partners embody some characteristics that are like sandpaper and rub us wrong, but are an opportunity to polish our patience or understanding, etc. I would encourage you to find a way to allow him his space when you aren’t together in person and keep your good relationship. It’s not everyday you meet somebody you really trust and click with and connect deeply with. Is your relationship worth looking within and seeing if you can find a way to be okay with his communication style? Often today I hear about people who “want somebody to accept me just as I am” but aren’t willing to extend themselves for anybody else. I’m not saying that’s you. Just saying in general it can appear like many modern daters can have an all or nothing/my way or the Highway mindset and no ability to do the work to improve their own relational skills.

    That said, only you know what’s right for you and if the time to split has come, then the time has come and no judgement here! I just throw in with the other voices who are saying “you can’t change him” and “waiting for him to change himself is a zero sum game.”

    Best wishes!!

  8. #17

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I hear you.

    I also think it's a very dicey road to walk when you're imagining that someone "could change" so long as they "wanted to" and "worked on" it. You may believe that, but if the other person is not confirming that belief? Well, they are showing you that they don't want to change—or, really, they are showing who they are, as a person and a partner.

    Reverse it, after all, and he could maybe say the same thing, no? He could say he accepts you, your personality, etc., but just wishes you would change your behavior a bit—that you'd give him some space, not take his occasional reticence personally, and so on. That would seem very simple for him, very doable, and yet it might not be in your wheelhouse as a person.

    Guess I'm just encouraging you to see this from all sides, and to at least question whether this is as much a compatibility issue as it is a communication one. I can only speak for myself, but I think the key to being content in a relationship is not requiring much of anything to change about the other person because what they give you—just by being themselves—is enough, even more than enough.
    Yes, he has confirmed, that's the issue is he's said he will do it and hasn't. I have changed behaviors for our relationship, but the no communication for days is not one I'm willing to accept & I've told him that. So, that's where I wonder if it's best to just walk away.

  9. #18

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    The longest is 4 days, which happened once. About once every 6 months he'll go 1-2 days.

  10. #19

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    You aren't being shown that he values you. Why continue on with someone that doesn't give a chit? I think you've come to realize that being in a relationship where you're not being shown your value is much more lonelier than being alone. No?


    Yes, exactly and this is a really tough time as is.

  11. #20

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Can you clarify, how long does he go without communicating when he's in a funk?
    The longest is 4 days, which happened once. About once every 6 months he'll go 1-2 days.

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