The complicated chaos and no clue where to start

I can’t feel anything, not sure that I want too. I have learned to take any uncomfortable situation and make it not about me, I can do this purposely or unintentionally. I have shut myself off from everyone in life, I don’t know if I believe in God, Even if I do, I don’t know that I’d trust him enough to let go of my control. I don’t interact with anyone, if I do, I only text, or email and I record everything that is said. I don’t allow anyone around me. If I have to interact with anyone, I have a plan that at any minute I can stop communication without any issue. I can have a conversation and choose not to be present, I can have a flashback and believe it wasn’t me. I know exactly how many steps it takes to get to my front door, my back door and every sound in my house. I watch actions not listen to words. I trust no one. I am not schizophrenic, I have complex PTSD. I have severe agoraphobia. And getting better looks very bleak for me. I’m stuck anyway you look at it. I have 3 children, 25,21 and 18. A grandson who’s 4. These 4 are my sun and the air I breathe. The only hope I have is to trust. To find a safe spot to process years of traumatic experiences, and there’s not a soul alive I can feel safe with. I’m sick of people saying things won’t happen, not to fear ect. I fear because these things DID HAPPEN. it’s not what if. It’s IT DID. I need that safe place or I’ll never be present. The chaos is overwhelming me. I try and fail and need to learn to trust someone. But I’m not sure I ever will

You can start here.

You need a doctor and therapist. Get evaluated for neurological problems.. Everyone is socially isolating at the moment and there is a lot of chaos around everyone.

I have 3 children, 25,21 and 18. A grandson who’s 4. These 4 are my sun and the air I breathe. The chaos is overwhelming me.

I do have a psychologist who comes to my house every week, I have disability for my diagnosis. This isn’t anything to do with the coronavirus, it’s my normal daily life. I’ve done many treatments, many medications, it just doesn’t work because I don’t trust.