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Thread: Husband Caught Lying

  1. #1

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    Husband Caught Lying

    In November my husband started acting differently. I knew something was wrong and had the same sinking feeling I would get anytime I was in a relationship with someone who was cheating. I had no proof for a while but the terrible feeling wasn't going away. I found underwear with cum on them in the laundry pile. Then there were no underwear in the laundry at all. My suspicions grew more and more. I started to look for more evidence of cheating when he said he was depressed and needed to spend time away from the house and away from me. I found a note he had written with a date, and his signature that said, "I love you" and a girl's name. He got a nude calendar in the mail that he said he didn't order. I questioned him about the note. He said he had been "catfished" online. He said she wasn't who she said she was and it was obvious that a picture she sent him had been photoshopped. I started looking through his phone. They had been talking and he installed an app so they could talk privately when she asked him to. So, I never saw the private conversations in the app. But, I did see her asking him to visit her in Portland. I saw cute sweet messages between the two of them. He had been having people take pictures of him at work and said they were for a Christmas calendar for me, which I later found out was a lie. He disappeared one day for a whole day and I found out he was purchasing gift cards. When I asked him about it, he said it was for his uncle who was having an affair. I later found out he purchased the gift cards for her, and called her with the numbers so she could use them. One was a Sephora gift card and the other was a Visa gift card. His phone had tons of pictures of her (or who he thought was her) and none of me. The person he thought she was is a model. He continued to talk to her even after he knew she was "catfishing" him and didn't stop for a while. He has a porn addiction and I think this was more wanting what he can't have. After he spent hundreds of dollars on a stranger, he bought me a cheap costume jewelry necklace for Christmas. I have tried to forgive him but there were so many lies and he has yet to do anything even similar to what he did for her. He still has no pictures of me on his phone. He continued to lie to me about his porn addiction. His history on his phone shows he visits porn sites multiple times a day. We can't have sex because he has erectile dysfunction. I ask him can he cum to porn and his answer is only sometimes. I ask him why he wants to visit porn sites so much if he can't cum and his answer is out of habit. I have tried watching porn with him and sometimes that helps his performance. He says he wants me and that it isn't me. We have also tried the little blue pill without success. I don't know if I can trust him and all of this has made me feel unwanted. He hasn't actually cheated on me but the lies made it so much worse because I thought he was cheating when he was lying. I told him if I catch him being sneaky doing anything he knows I wouldn't approve of and then lying about it that I will leave. I know from past experience that I need to have boundaries and stick to them. I just would like an outside opinion on all of this.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Why are you staying with a man who is a liar, a manipulator, fools around with other women, is completely disrespectful to you and quite clearly does not love you.

    He is killing yourself esteem if he hasn't killed most of it already...why are you allowing it?

    You need to gt rid of this creep asap. He is the worst type of man.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    All that happened and you didn't leave.

    He continues because he knows you will never, ever leave him.

    Question is, why not? Because you "love him"?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    The first piece of garbage he hauled into your life would be enough to for any woman with self worth to walk away. And now a whole garbage truck has arrived and dumped a huge mound on top of you. By God, if you're not suffocating and don't want out of that toxicity ASAP, what the hell is a dealbreaker for you?

    If you've been married at least 10 years, you're entitled to half of his retirement savings at the time of the divorce and entitled to half of his pension if he has one. Get a good lawyer.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Pack your bags, go home to mom, and call a divorce lawyer.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Kick his cheating lying a$$ to the curb. Call a lawyer.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. It sounds like he is checked out. It also seems he has a mistress. Policing him won't help or change things. Decide if you wish to stay.

    Contact and attorney and review your options, rather than making empty threats. Also get to a doctor for STD testing and advice.

    In the mean time get very busy, work, classes, volunteering, groups, clubs time with friend and family. Go out a lot more. Be out of the home a lot more Don't say where you are going. Stop mothering and policing and making empty threats. Stop doing his laundry, cooking, shopping, etc.
    Originally Posted by Okieblue
    -he said he was depressed and needed to spend time away from the house and away from me.
    -I found a note he had written with a date, and his signature that said, "I love you" and a girl's name.
    -We can't have sex because he has erectile dysfunction.

  9. #8
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    Kick him out. This guy is a lying, cheating POS!

    Contact a divorce attorney!

  10. #9
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    Why are you trying to force yourself to forgive him?

    The man doesn't care about you or your marriage. He's not going to change, because he knows he can get away with it. If you stay, you are signing up for more of the same.

    Personally? I would be looking for a divorce attorney. This marriage is already over in all but name.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Well clearly the man was getting some form of relief from what I assume was a very low self worth. She stroked his ego, made him feel important and at times, was even able to give him a boner. That is, IMO, most likely why he let this go as far as it did. She made him feel like a whole man again. I'm thinking that is the psychology behind what he's done.

    Now, that being said, I think if you're going to stay with him that the two of you need to get yourselves into marriage counseling. To do nothing and to do it without the guidance of someone that can (hopefully) get the two of you back on track with your emotional connection, you will never be able to trust him again.

    It's understandable that you don't want to leave a man that you both have promised to one another a life together so if you're going to try and make it work, then you really need to get the therapy that your marriage needs. You may even be referred to a sex therapist by your marriage counselor to help the two of you navigate his ED.

    Good luck, I hope you take immediate action in getting that therapy started.

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