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Thread: Advice Needed

  1. #21
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    As a almost soon to be a 40 year old women I've had many many horrific experiences in my past. Because of my previous dating life has not been easy on me 1 bit. Because of going through turmoil from before I let my gaurds way up and dont tend to let people in my life easily anymore so I do get cautious as the people I've let in my life. It's harder on me to even consider seeing the good in people as to how I was treated before. It's just not about this guy in general this has always been my issue and I'm sorry if I tend to freak out. Yes, it's scary. I know there are no guarantees in life as far as how things go I'm well aware of that. I cant help or control how I feel. That's how my coping mechanism works. I gaurd myself. I tend to protect myself. By not being able to see the good in people. I cant. That's why I told him I'm not looking for a relationship until I get to know him better and see how things progress and we were are on the same page. I know it's not a good thing. But yet I still have not found a good therapist to work on my coping mechanism with. The reason I'm not telling this guy about my emotional issues is because I dont know if it's going to work our or not. Why, bother. I dont want to scare him off by telling him this.



    QUOTE=DancingFool;7205979]No I wouldn't suggest video chat because you cannot judge chemistry except for in person, face to face. It's literally chemistry not just "oh you look how you look". There is absolutely no substitute for face to face meetings. You either click or you do not. Waiting for months is absurd, especially if you live only 3-4 hours away (driving I assume). I mean that's what 1.5-2 hrs drive if you meet half way?

    However, all the above logistics aside, I think you need to step way back and ask yourself if this would even work for you in general? LDR's can be very lonely in that you have to be a very confident, independent person for them to work. What you are showing in this thread is that you are already fearful, nervous, and suspicious, worried about what if's.

    Why even bother if this is causing you so much stress already? At this point, you don't even know him from Adam, so why not focus on matches that don't rile you up like that?[/QUOTE]

  2. #22
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    I will give a warning based on my actual experience.

    I started talking to someone online who lives six hours from me back in 2015. I had just gotten out of an eleven year relationship and was lonely and needing companionship so I took talking to this guy. We face timed nightly and set up to meet six months that April. I basically was dedicated to someone I had never met! Sure the having someone listen to me was nice but still lonely. I couldnít physically touch him or sit next to him.

    April came and went so that July I finally met him. In person I was disappointed! I liked him more then he liked me. No chemistry! He was stand offish and stuck up. Nothing like the previous conversations I had.

    After July we decided we couldnít even work as friends.

    In summary: Youíll invest time and start an online fantasy thatís not real. You may like that idea as right now you truly arenít ready for a relationship. In reality itís a waste of time and people get hurt.

    I suggest either not looking for anyone and just enjoy being single and taking the time for you.
    Or looking for someone close by.

    After the online fantasy ended for me. I put my radius to close by. I wasnít ready and thatís why my dating life was hell. I finally took time for myself. I binge watched shows I wanted to watch, meditated, lost weight.

    Then In November 2018 I signed up for Bumble and connected with a guy we met the following week. He is my boyfriend of over a year now and I couldnít be happier.

    Point is, you need to sort out your heart and be okay being alone. You come first! It took me four years after my ex of self reflection before I found my guy. Not saying it will take you that long.

    Just know you shouldnít settle!

    Right now youíre settling by not meeting him until a later date.

    Good luck op

    Youíre man is out there. Never give up hope on love and never settle. Get you right first! Then everything falls into place. Youíll see. ;)

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Be very wary of long distance chitchat. He could be in a relationship and looking for an out of town bed and breakfast with benefits. You need to cut him off if you don't want to get hurt. Never let a stranger stay in your home.
    Originally Posted by coolgirl
    he's planning to come up in October.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    What is your problem with simply cutting this guy off and focusing on men who are either more local or capable on meeting you in a reasonable amount of time? Serious question.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    He was the one that reached out to me first. So he was the one that iniated the contact first knowing that he's 4 hours away from me. I would like to get to know him and met up with him sooner than later knowing that if I'm his type or not. The sooner the better because I dont want to invest time if it's not going to get my anywhere. So I get with what your saying. I'm sure there are people that have been in long distance relationships and try to make it work. I just want to avoid getting hurt that's all.
    If you want to avoid getting hurt then don't bother with him anymore. It's likely that you are too afraid of being hurt again to date locally wherein you're going to have to meet sooner rather than later in order to keep them talking to you.

    You don't even know if this guy is married or not so whether or not he's seeing/talking to other woman is moot at this point. He's not going to be honest with you if he suspects you're going to bolt if you know he is.

    Why not see or talk to other guys yourself? Guys in your neck of the woods that you might find you have a connection with. Keep your own options open. You owe this guy nothing at this point.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I hate to be the bearer of bad news but 3 - 4 hours to see each other will eventually wear both of you down for obvious reasons: inconvenience, hassle, expensive traveling back 'n forth and absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. To the contrary, too much absence causes two people to drift apart. Be realistic. Most local relationships tend to endure because it's easier to see each other more often.

    I don't buy into his telling you: "he doesn't know till we get there." That's just hot air and doesn't make any sense. You can read the writing on the wall now and know in your mind that this relationship will end up being impractical.

    It's better to be completely honest with him and tell him your reasons as stated above. Then it's not personal. Of course, no one wants to feel rejected but remaining realistic takes priority in everyone's lives.

    You don't have to voice your concern because then he'll continue to tell you that he doesn't know 'til both of you get there. Just tell him (on the phone - text or conversation) that the 3 - 4 hour difference to see each other each time is realistically very inconvenient and inconvenient relationships rarely endure. Sooner or later both of you will burn out. Continue being up front and honest because honesty is the best policy. Save both your energies, time, resources (money) and effort by ending it now.

  8. #27
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    You're not in a friend zone -you're chatting with a stranger. You're not some passive leaf blowing in the wind who gets to say "he contacted me first" -so -how is that even relevant? You're not going to get to know anything relevant by typing/talking/video chatting. Yes, total waste of time. Of course he should meet and pursue other women however he wishes. I don't think long distance where you start out as complete strangers make any sense in your situation -let alone to wait months to meet? I was long distance on and off for a few years with my husband and I agreed because we'd been seriously committed in the past, we could see each other every 11 days or so, and our decision to start dating again was to see if we should get married. And I was open to and accepted that I'd probably have to relocate. I did. Otherwise I'd never have done it.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Why are you choosing the most difficult form of dating there is? As Limichelle says, it's because you want to live in a fantasyland where being hurt will be delayed because what do you have to argue about when you're not sharing a life with each other in 3D?

    He was the one that reached out to me first. So he was the one that iniated the contact first knowing that he's 4 hours away from me.

    This is such a passive statement, letting life just happen to you, instead of you hopping into the driver's seat. I did OLD for several years. Even thought I stated a guy would have to live no more than an hour from me, plenty from farther away would still contact me. Did I give in to their wants? No. My desire was to have a regular companion I could meet up with several times a week to enjoy their company, and I stuck to that goal. Eventually it paid off, and I met my future husband, who lived 40 minutes from me. Our first date was a week and a half after starting to speak. At the end of our first date, he asked me out for the next night. So much more satisfying than a pen pal.


    I would like to get to know him and met up with him sooner than later knowing that if I'm his type or not
    .

    Wow. This is so telling. Again, your thought process goes to what he might like or not like, versus you having an ounce of self esteem. If you did, you'd be thinking of what's best for yourself, to date locally so that you can cut off the losers as soon as you see red flags, and keep on dating the guys who put equal effort into the relationship as you, and finding out if you share dating goals. With your low self-worth and doormat mentality, the only type of guys you will be attracting will be abusers and bullies.

    I just want to avoid getting hurt that's all. Sorry, but nobody on the planet is immune to getting hurt. And keeping yourself in a safe bubble will be both lonely and self-sabotaging. You want to put guards up? Why should anyone invest in tearing them down? Most people don't want to jump those hurdles. It's exhausting.

    I suggest the same as Limichelle. You're not ready for dating. You have a lot of work to do on yourself before being ready. Until you can enjoy a first meet up without projecting to the future, and until you can tell yourself you can handle anything that comes your way, be single. There are things you can control in life like choosing someone to date who appears to be a good risk for your heart, and who shares your dating goals and ethics, but that's something you will see as it unfolds over time, and you just need to be patient and take a day by day attitude. Perhaps therapy can help if you can't achieve this on your own. Good luck.

  10. #29
    Gold Member ChellyV's Avatar
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    Let me just share a recent experience I had, never mind other leap of faith needs in your thread.

    I struck a friendship with someone online, we met 2x in person, and talked everyday for a month. The chemistry was there. However, he lived approximately 1.5 hour drive from me, was managing a big company's supply chain, and was completing his bachelors online. I too had 2 jobs, registered in a weekday class and had some other weekday commitments. Both of us did not meet each other's needs of hanging out as much as we can (maybe twice a week?) because of our circumstances. While I am not per se hearbroken as I totally understood, I was sad to lose this "friend". However, I will not settle with just phone chats. I would like to see him regularly on weekends, which he was unable to offer.

    What do you want? You need to know this before allowing anyone intimately in your life.

  11. #30
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    It will work short term only, it is rare for a relationship work over distance - too many variables.

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