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Thread: Advice Needed

  1. #11
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    I totally get with what your saying. And I even suggested that let's video chat and see if I'm even his type before he makes a trip out here. I told him I'm in no rush to have a relationship and just want to get to know him better. He knows that. Like I said I dont want to invest my time and energy if things dont end up working out and do myself a favor from being rejected and hurt. So far I dont know what he thinks of me yet.


    QUOTE=DancingFool;7205953]If you don't know how distance will work for you ....and it reads like you can't handle distance....then do yourself a huge favor and don't even bother with guys who are that far away from you. On all these apps, you can limit your dating radius to what you find reasonable and can manage.

    Your anxieties and questions at this point only highlight the fact that you are not in a place emotionally where you should be attempting a long distance relationship. It's not on him to reassure you and soothe your fears. At this point in time, it would be inappropriate for you to even ask him these kinds of questions. You aren't dating, you aren't exclusive, you don't even know if you'll click should you manage to meet face to face. You are putting the cart ten miles ahead of the horse here, which means....long distance isn't for you at this point in time.[/QUOTE]

  2. #12
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    Like I said it could be sooner I dont know yet.


    QUOTE=boltnrun;7205962]Seven months from now?

    No way would it make sense to shackle yourself to someone you won't even see in person for over half a year.

    I suggest meeting local men.[/QUOTE]

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by coolgirl
    I honestly dont know yet. We have talked about it. And he's planning to come up in October. But if he suggests sooner the better. It's just the timing we just literally started talking 4 days ago.
    Oooookay....look, I have nothing against long distance and have had successful LDR's, but this is not how successful LDR's look or work. You both have to have the capacity for easy and regular travel. Meaning that you both have to be able to spend time face to face on a regular basis, including meeting up fairly quickly. If you can't be doing that, then this is already dead in the water before it ever started. Waiting to meet up until October is absurd. Don't waste your time any more on this and tighten up your dating radius on the app to something more manageable.

    Who contacted who is irrelevant, btw. Means nothing.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    You're kind of talking out of both sides of your mouth right now.

    Five days ago you did not know this man existed. Today you are talking about not wanting in invest time, in case it ends up not working and you end up getting hurt, feeling rejected, which is kind of the opposite of not being in a rush to get in a relationship.

    I can't help but feel that you are reacting to two different things inside of you that existed before you knew this man did. One: a very real desire, bordering on thirst, to be in some kind of relationship. Two: an almost paralyzing fear of being hurt by the experiment of romance, which probably makes a pixilated man who lives 4 hours away feel "safe." Until those two things are reconciled, and tempered, you are going to find yourself in a bind like this, where you're inflicting small amounts of pain onto yourself out of fear of another inflicting pain on you.

    To date you can't be overly scared of being hurt, since it is inevitable. People hurt people, and the journey of finding the right person is not one in which hurt can be preemptively eradicated. Being in an actual relationship? That hurts too, here and there, and there is always the prospect that it might end—after a month, after 20 years. But if you think connection is a worthwhile thing to invest in, it is never a waste of "time and energy."

    October is a lifetime away. If that is the first chance you each have to see each other, I would say it would be emotionally unhealthy for either of you to be closing off options at this point.

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  6. #15
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    Would you suggest doing video chat before he even comes out here to even see if I'm his type at all? Or would you suggest just the face to face meeting first. I just dont want to waist his time coming up here for nothing ?



    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Oooookay....look, I have nothing against long distance and have had successful LDR's, but this is not how successful LDR's look or work. You both have to have the capacity for easy and regular travel. Meaning that you both have to be able to spend time face to face on a regular basis, including meeting up fairly quickly. If you can't be doing that, then this is already dead in the water before it ever started. Waiting to meet up until October is absurd. Don't waste your time any more on this and tighten up your dating radius on the app to something more manageable.

    Who contacted who is irrelevant, btw. Means nothing.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by coolgirl
    Would you suggest doing video chat before he even comes out here to even see if I'm his type at all? Or would you suggest just the face to face meeting first. I just dont want to waist his time coming up here for nothing ?
    What if he's not YOUR type?

  8. #17
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    That's what I'm trying to find out if he's not my type by having this video chat. Than I made a friend out of it. I wouldn't be upset by that.

    QUOTE=boltnrun;7205972]What if he's not YOUR type?[/QUOTE]

  9. #18
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    I understand with what your saying and makes perfect sense. I'm just confused at the moment. I mean we've had great conversations up until now. I guess it's just going to take time. I guess.

    QUOTE=bluecastle;7205969]You're kind of talking out of both sides of your mouth right now.

    Five days ago you did not know this man existed. Today you are talking about not wanting in invest time, in case it ends up not working and you end up getting hurt, feeling rejected, which is kind of the opposite of not being in a rush to get in a relationship.

    I can't help but feel that you are reacting to two different things inside of you that existed before you knew this man did. One: a very real desire, bordering on thirst, to be in some kind of relationship. Two: an almost paralyzing fear of being hurt by the experiment of romance, which probably makes a pixilated man who lives 4 hours away feel "safe." Until those two things are reconciled, and tempered, you are going to find yourself in a bind like this, where you're inflicting small amounts of pain onto yourself out of fear of another inflicting pain on you.

    To date you can't be overly scared of being hurt, since it is inevitable. People hurt people, and the journey of finding the right person is not one in which hurt can be preemptively eradicated. Being in an actual relationship? That hurts too, here and there, and there is always the prospect that it might end—after a month, after 20 years. But if you think connection is a worthwhile thing to invest in, it is never a waste of "time and energy."

    October is a lifetime away. If that is the first chance you each have to see each other, I would say it would be emotionally unhealthy for either of you to be closing off options at this point.[/QUOTE]

  10. #19
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by coolgirl
    Would you suggest doing video chat before he even comes out here to even see if I'm his type at all? Or would you suggest just the face to face meeting first. I just dont want to waist his time coming up here for nothing ?
    No I wouldn't suggest video chat because you cannot judge chemistry except for in person, face to face. It's literally chemistry not just "oh you look how you look". There is absolutely no substitute for face to face meetings. You either click or you do not. Waiting for months is absurd, especially if you live only 3-4 hours away (driving I assume). I mean that's what 1.5-2 hrs drive if you meet half way?

    However, all the above logistics aside, I think you need to step way back and ask yourself if this would even work for you in general? LDR's can be very lonely in that you have to be a very confident, independent person for them to work. What you are showing in this thread is that you are already fearful, nervous, and suspicious, worried about what if's.

    Why even bother if this is causing you so much stress already? At this point, you don't even know him from Adam, so why not focus on matches that don't rile you up like that?

  11. #20
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    "Great conversations up to now"?

    Haven't you only been chatting for 4 days?

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