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Thread: I don't feel like my boyfriend loves me as more than a friend

  1. #1

    I don't feel like my boyfriend loves me as more than a friend

    My boyfriend is very social, outgoing, and kind. He is the kindest person I have ever met and he is this way towards everyone he meets. The problem is that girls he meets at work take his friendliness the wrong way and flirt with him or get a crush on him. He always shuts them down and says he has a girlfriend, but I've told him that his friendliness is what is encouraging them to feel like they can flirt with him or have a chance with him. I told him I want him to set boundaries with these girls and to not treat these girls in the same friendly way because them flirting with him and getting crushes on him makes me upset and sick to my stomach.

    He refused to treat these girls any differently. He said that I am asking him to change who he is. He said he wants to continue as he is and when girls make moves on him he will turn them away. He refused to be preventative and change what he does to encourage them. There is one girl in particular who he has private, individual texts with (he showed me) and they have developed an emotional connection. The way she is with him - my gut tells me that she cares for him as more than a friend and she is certainly not respectful towards me. Regardless of how this makes me feel, that I'm recovering from depression and suicide, he would rather me feel bad than set boundaries because he doesn't want these girls to get offended. I told him that I don't feel like I can handle the next one and that he could lose me, but he still wants to allow situations to happen. When do I stop fighting for this relationship? He always puts this girl before me.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Why do you remain with a guy whom you don't like? What I mean is, he was right in saying, who he is, is who he is. He's not going to change.
    Even if you threaten, even if you cry, even if you yell at him. It won't change anything.

    If you now know what he is like, then why continue staying with him? To endure more suffering?

    I realize you like him, maybe you even think you love him, but a huge part of his personality and how he behaves with other women, is not compatible with you and is not going to work for you.

    It's not him who needs to change, it's you who needs to ask yourself, when are you going to realize that although he has a lot of qualities you like, he has a lot as well that you do not like, will never like and will always try to force to be different.

    You can't control someone, you can't demand change...the only one you can control, is yourself.
    You either accept this man 100% or you end things with him, it really is that simple.

  3. #3
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    Noone should have be responsible for your emotional health. That being said, if he's developing an emotional connection with a female past what you're comfortable with it's time to let the relationship go. He makes u feel bad n it should stop.

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    One of the things about having an attractive partner is that other people will be attracted to them; if you're secure, this isn't a problem. If not, then it can cause you to eat your heart out.

    Your guy is social, outgoing and kind - so people are attracted to him. When you say you want him to set boundaries with these girls - he does. You yourself say that he shuts them down and says he has a girlfriend. Ironically, the same qualities which attracted you to him are also causing you problems now, and you're hoping he'll change who he is so that it doesn't spark your insecurity.

    Unfortunately, this never works. However, that's a general point. I've found it really irritating in the past when boyfriends have been angry with me because some other guy's hit on me, even though I've shut them down at the time.

    The emotionally intimate texts he is sharing with another girl is a different matter. You say that they have developed an emotional connection, which suggests that this is not someone who is just an old friend who might need a bit of support/tlc right now. This isn't appropriate if he's being genuinely respectful to your relationship. Although he doesn't want her to get offended, he is effectively leading her on and not being fair to either of you. You've already told him how you feel about it, and he continues in the same way. He is already aware of how vulnerable you are, but by staying with him you are giving him tacit approval. Never make threats which you have no intention of carrying out; if possible, never make threats at all.

    In answer to your question "When do I stop fighting for this relationship?"... I'd say, at the moment you have enough self-respect to focus on your depression and suicidal feelings, with professional help or a support group if necessary, and decide that your own growth and wellbeing is more important than being in this relationship. Your boyfriend is cheerfully getting on with his own life, regardless of your feelings, and this is not going to help your self-esteem at all. If you have already attempted suicide it suggests you're incredibly fragile and sensitive, and this is what you need to be focusing on rather than maintaining a relationship which is causing you a great deal of unhappiness at the moment. You can never change another person, period.

    I'd tell him that he is entitled to be in contact with whoever he likes, and that you respect that. But also tell him that you find being in a relationship on these terms to be unbearable, and that you'll need to end it for your own sanity. However, don't say this unless you are certain that you can carry it through.

    Good luck!

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    But also tell him that you find being in a relationship on these terms to be unbearable, and that you'll need to end it for your own sanity
    Yes, absolutely. Consider your own feelings right now if you feel you are in a vulnerable place. If how he behaves is causing you too much upset, end things.

    It's not the ending you want, but you'll spare yourself some much grief. You might even open to door to meeting someone else who is more introvert and someone who is more compatible with you.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Focus on your health. End this charade and get rid of this guy. How do you know they "take his friendliness the wrong way and get a crush on him"? You Are trying to change him. It seems like you're not compatible and he is standing his ground.

    However he seems to want to rub this in your face as an ego trip and the added bonus of this ego trip is you getting jealous. He is a bit too personal with this coworker. It would be best to end it and get appropriate treatment for the depression.

    No one should have to "fight for" a relationship. If you are doing this you shouldn't be in it. Relationships are not a battleground. If it becomes that, it's time to leave.
    Originally Posted by NothingSpeci
    The problem is that girls he meets at work take his friendliness the wrong way and flirt with him or get a crush on him.

    He refused to treat these girls any differently. He said that I am asking him to change who he is. There is one girl in particular who he has private, individual texts with

    I'm recovering from depression and suicide

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You cant tell people to change how they are. Their personality is what it is. You wont win by yelling, threatening, crying, pouting. Either you learn to accept his friendly personality with everyone, or you move on. If you are "sick to your stomach" then you may benefit from seeing a counselor as that is an over the top reaction.

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    You shouldn't need to change him, when you met him, you liked the way he was. Of course, if he loved you more than all the other girls he met then you would have known by now. If this relationship has been short, better to cut it loose as you can already see where this is heading. If not this week or month or this year he is leaving a door open for a relationship to build elsewhere.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    When you want someone to change in a major way for you to be happy, it's not the right relationship for you. When a relationship is regularly upsetting more than gratifying, it's the wrong relationship.

    You belong with a guy who has only guy friends and who isn't a flirtatious magnet that women swarm around for his charismatic attention. Free yourself so you can find the sort of guy who won't stress you out. One size does not fit all, no matter that you wish that label was true.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    He refused to treat these girls any differently. He said that I am asking him to change who he is.
    Which you are. You have 100% control over changing yourself. You have zero control over changing him so either get yourself away from a situation that has you (basically) threatening that if he continues to be who he is, you may try suicide again.
    If you can't change YOU with the help of your therapist (whom I hope you are seeing if you are generally depressed and with anxiety problems)then it's in your own best mental health to leave the situation that is triggering your panic.

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