I don't feel like my boyfriend loves me as more than a friend

My boyfriend is very social, outgoing, and kind. He is the kindest person I have ever met and he is this way towards everyone he meets. The problem is that girls he meets at work take his friendliness the wrong way and flirt with him or get a crush on him. He always shuts them down and says he has a girlfriend, but I've told him that his friendliness is what is encouraging them to feel like they can flirt with him or have a chance with him. I told him I want him to set boundaries with these girls and to not treat these girls in the same friendly way because them flirting with him and getting crushes on him makes me upset and sick to my stomach.

 

He refused to treat these girls any differently. He said that I am asking him to change who he is. He said he wants to continue as he is and when girls make moves on him he will turn them away. He refused to be preventative and change what he does to encourage them. There is one girl in particular who he has private, individual texts with (he showed me) and they have developed an emotional connection. The way she is with him - my gut tells me that she cares for him as more than a friend and she is certainly not respectful towards me. Regardless of how this makes me feel, that I'm recovering from depression and suicide, he would rather me feel bad than set boundaries because he doesn't want these girls to get offended. I told him that I don't feel like I can handle the next one and that he could lose me, but he still wants to allow situations to happen. When do I stop fighting for this relationship? He always puts this girl before me.

Why do you remain with a guy whom you don't like? What I mean is, he was right in saying, who he is, is who he is. He's not going to change.

Even if you threaten, even if you cry, even if you yell at him. It won't change anything.

 

If you now know what he is like, then why continue staying with him? To endure more suffering?

 

I realize you like him, maybe you even think you love him, but a huge part of his personality and how he behaves with other women, is not compatible with you and is not going to work for you.

 

It's not him who needs to change, it's you who needs to ask yourself, when are you going to realize that although he has a lot of qualities you like, he has a lot as well that you do not like, will never like and will always try to force to be different.

 

You can't control someone, you can't demand change...the only one you can control, is yourself.

You either accept this man 100% or you end things with him, it really is that simple.

Noone should have be responsible for your emotional health. That being said, if he's developing an emotional connection with a female past what you're comfortable with it's time to let the relationship go. He makes u feel bad n it should stop.

One of the things about having an attractive partner is that other people will be attracted to them; if you're secure, this isn't a problem. If not, then it can cause you to eat your heart out.

 

Your guy is social, outgoing and kind - so people are attracted to him. When you say you want him to set boundaries with these girls - he does. You yourself say that he shuts them down and says he has a girlfriend. Ironically, the same qualities which attracted you to him are also causing you problems now, and you're hoping he'll change who he is so that it doesn't spark your insecurity.

 

Unfortunately, this never works. However, that's a general point. I've found it really irritating in the past when boyfriends have been angry with me because some other guy's hit on me, even though I've shut them down at the time.

 

The emotionally intimate texts he is sharing with another girl is a different matter. You say that they have developed an emotional connection, which suggests that this is not someone who is just an old friend who might need a bit of support/tlc right now. This isn't appropriate if he's being genuinely respectful to your relationship. Although he doesn't want her to get offended, he is effectively leading her on and not being fair to either of you. You've already told him how you feel about it, and he continues in the same way. He is already aware of how vulnerable you are, but by staying with him you are giving him tacit approval. Never make threats which you have no intention of carrying out; if possible, never make threats at all.

 

In answer to your question "When do I stop fighting for this relationship?"... I'd say, at the moment you have enough self-respect to focus on your depression and suicidal feelings, with professional help or a support group if necessary, and decide that your own growth and wellbeing is more important than being in this relationship. Your boyfriend is cheerfully getting on with his own life, regardless of your feelings, and this is not going to help your self-esteem at all. If you have already attempted suicide it suggests you're incredibly fragile and sensitive, and this is what you need to be focusing on rather than maintaining a relationship which is causing you a great deal of unhappiness at the moment. You can never change another person, period.

 

I'd tell him that he is entitled to be in contact with whoever he likes, and that you respect that. But also tell him that you find being in a relationship on these terms to be unbearable, and that you'll need to end it for your own sanity. However, don't say this unless you are certain that you can carry it through.

 

Good luck!

But also tell him that you find being in a relationship on these terms to be unbearable, and that you'll need to end it for your own sanity

 

Yes, absolutely. Consider your own feelings right now if you feel you are in a vulnerable place. If how he behaves is causing you too much upset, end things.

 

It's not the ending you want, but you'll spare yourself some much grief. You might even open to door to meeting someone else who is more introvert and someone who is more compatible with you.

Sorry to hear this. Focus on your health. End this charade and get rid of this guy. How do you know they "take his friendliness the wrong way and get a crush on him"? You Are trying to change him. It seems like you're not compatible and he is standing his ground.

 

However he seems to want to rub this in your face as an ego trip and the added bonus of this ego trip is you getting jealous. He is a bit too personal with this coworker. It would be best to end it and get appropriate treatment for the depression.

 

No one should have to "fight for" a relationship. If you are doing this you shouldn't be in it. Relationships are not a battleground. If it becomes that, it's time to leave.

The problem is that girls he meets at work take his friendliness the wrong way and flirt with him or get a crush on him.

 

He refused to treat these girls any differently. He said that I am asking him to change who he is. There is one girl in particular who he has private, individual texts with

 

I'm recovering from depression and suicide

You cant tell people to change how they are. Their personality is what it is. You wont win by yelling, threatening, crying, pouting. Either you learn to accept his friendly personality with everyone, or you move on. If you are "sick to your stomach" then you may benefit from seeing a counselor as that is an over the top reaction.

You shouldn't need to change him, when you met him, you liked the way he was. Of course, if he loved you more than all the other girls he met then you would have known by now. If this relationship has been short, better to cut it loose as you can already see where this is heading. If not this week or month or this year he is leaving a door open for a relationship to build elsewhere.

When you want someone to change in a major way for you to be happy, it's not the right relationship for you. When a relationship is regularly upsetting more than gratifying, it's the wrong relationship.

 

You belong with a guy who has only guy friends and who isn't a flirtatious magnet that women swarm around for his charismatic attention. Free yourself so you can find the sort of guy who won't stress you out. One size does not fit all, no matter that you wish that label was true.

He refused to treat these girls any differently. He said that I am asking him to change who he is.

Which you are. You have 100% control over changing yourself. You have zero control over changing him so either get yourself away from a situation that has you (basically) threatening that if he continues to be who he is, you may try suicide again.

If you can't change YOU with the help of your therapist (whom I hope you are seeing if you are generally depressed and with anxiety problems)then it's in your own best mental health to leave the situation that is triggering your panic.

If your relationship was secure, you wouldn't feel this fear that eventually he'll cross some lines. Considering that he is already crossing lines with this one woman, your fear is not unfounded.

 

I don't think you need therapy, I think you need to listen to what your gut has been screaming at you - this guy is not a secure partner. You already knows this given the text convos you read between him and this other girl and the fact that he is always putting her interests above yours. I don't know of too many women who would be happy with an emotional connection like that between their SO and another woman. You say that he is just so nice and kind, I say he likes to stroke his ego and that's not very nice or kind at all. If he was genuinely kind, he'd care more about creating healthy boundaries with other women and not leading them on. Leading people on is not nice and it is all about his ego.

 

It's amazing how your anxiety goes away when you remove the source causing it in the first place. Please understand that when you meet the right guy for you, someone who is genuinely kind as opposed to all smoke and mirrors, you will actually feel safe, secure, and your feelings and the relationship respected. You won't have to fight for it and you shouldn't be fighting for it. When you need to fight for basic respect....it's your clue that you really need to walk away.

It would be best to follow up with your doctors and continuous supportive therapy.

I'm recovering from depression and suicide

I think IMO its negligent to advise anyone that has already attempted suicide once (and sublimily suggested they may try again if things don't change) should be told that they don't need therapy.

I think IMO its negligent to advise anyone that has already attempted suicide once (and sublimily suggested they may try again if things don't change) should be told that they don't need therapy.

 

In that case I should clarify that what I mean is that she doesn't need to go to therapy to resolve her anxiety issues about this relationship. The relationship is an unhealthy one for the OP and a source of justified anxiety.

 

She should seek therapy for other personal issues and suicidal thoughts.

In that case I should clarify that what I mean is that she doesn't need to go to therapy to resolve her anxiety issues about this relationship. The relationship is an unhealthy one for the OP and a source of justified anxiety.

 

She should seek therapy for other personal issues and suicidal thoughts.

Yes, indeedy.

Either accept your boyfriend warts and all including his foibles or choose a man who is more compatible to you. Accept that your boyfriend will not change his character and personality for you. You either grin and bear it, bite your tongue and look the other way, tolerate him as is or get out. Exit the relationship.

 

Your boyfriend is the problem. He's the one who is giving off vibes that it's ok to engage in excessive camaraderie with other women. It's not the girls who are the problem. It's your boyfriend who doesn't keep his personality under control and in check; that's the problem. He's the one who needs to act honorable, be more reserved, exercise discretion and behave gentlemanly.

 

My husband is attractive yet he knows how not to go over the line regarding other female colleagues, church brethren, during his business trips and out there in society in general. There are certain rules of conduct which need to be in place without question nor debate. Honorable, gentlemanly behavior is steadfast and unwavering. There are a lot of attractive men and women out there who have that draw yet other people know how not to approach them if the other party gives the impression that they're not interested in over zealous, amiable behaviors.

 

He is right. You're asking him to change who he is. Since your boyfriend refuses to enforce healthy boundaries with other women, either he goes or you go.

 

The private texting with the other woman is disrespectful to you. My husband doesn't text other women out of respect and love for me. I'm exclusively his. My husband is unequivocally loyal and devoted to his wife as your boyfriend should be towards his girlfriend, YOU.

 

Don't fight for this relationship anymore. Let him have the other girl. You deserve a man who loves, honors and respects you through his actions whenever your back is turned. Never be with a man whom you cannot trust with all your heart and soul.

I think you have two issues here: respect, and compatibility.

 

Respect, because the texting and emotional connection just isn't respectful of you and the relationship. If he were single he would have the freedom to text and support and be friendly with whoever he wants, but the fact is that he's committed to you so it's disrespectful for him to want it all.

 

Compatibility, because despite what I said above, many couples do function quite happily with someone whose personality is like your boyfriend. In fact, my husband and I are good friends with a couple who sounds very similar to what you describe: the boyfriend is very outgoing and friendly, spends time with other girls. But the key difference is that it doesn't bother his girlfriend. It honestly blows my mind that she's ok with it, so that proves it's a personality that could've never been compatible for me. It sounds like you're more like me and this will always make you miserable.

 

I hope that made sense, and I know this is a hard situation for you, because he hasn't exactly done anything wrong that makes it easy for you to leave. I'm sorry, and I'm praying for wisdom for you in this decision. God bless