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Thread: Whats happening

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2017

    Whats happening

    Hi, il try to keep this as to the point as possible.

    Im in a relationship with a woman who to me is perfect. We’ve been together for a year now and we are extremely close. We both tell each other how much we love eachother and how we make eachother feel a lot.
    However, she has a few things in her life which are stressful and can sometimes cause down moments. These things don’t bother me as i support her 100%. The biggest thing being is that she has cervical cancer, its fully under control isnt a major threat or worry at the moment.
    Because of my experience with relationships and being hurt i find myself either reading into things or worrying about ever possibly her breaking up with me. Last month we began talking about getting married which made me feel unbelievably happy. She was showing her pinterest wedding board which she had been adding things to for quite some time. A few days ago i noticed that her baby sons father was messaging a lot. I dont really see him as a threat but i asked very casually do you think he still wants to be back with you?
    This ended up her feeling really deflated as she took it that i had doubts, and after spending time talking about our future and marriage she feels we’ve taken a step back in the relationship. Iv said my part and explained that i dont have any doubts, and that i didnt mean for that to happen. She has explained that because of her being hurt before, it makes her feel vulnerable and raises her guard a bit.
    Im slightly worried that this is all going to have a knock on effect with our relationship and things start going downhill.
    She has said very clearly that she doesnt love me any less, but that she feels a bit deflated. In my experience people have said there feelings for me and a week later have left me for someone else.
    Im in know rush for marriage, i just want to be with her and for her to want to be with me. I love this woman more than anything and im at a Point in the relationship where i dont know what id do without her. I think the advice im looking for is how to deal with these little anxieties that have cropped up and maybe to shed some light on how she might feel. Just so it doesnt get in the way of our relationship and we can get back on track!
    Thanks in advance 😁

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    She's not perfect if you can't ask a simple question and she not only blows it up like this but you end up feeling like she will run off on you.

    If things were perfect as you say they are, you'd be able to express your worries or ask a question and she would understand without drama or upset.
    You should be able to communicate without fear or them feeling less for you or visa versa.

    How strong is your relationship if all it would take is you asking something and her deciding to leave? And honestly, I'm not even sure what she is deflated about.

    I think you need to take a step back and realize that maybe things aren't as perfect as you made them out to be. You and she need to work on actually being good friends where you can communicate your thoughts, fear, worries, etc and there is no unnecessary upset or drama over it.

    But you also need to ask yourself...do you really feel that she and her baby's daddy might have something between them still? Do you trust her, or not?

    Both of you are at fault. You, for thinking something is going on with them if nothing ever has while you've been with her and she's not shown any signs of cheating and her for not trying to understand where you're coming from and to try and see your side of things too.
    Having an ex constantly in the picture is not the nicest thing and for a newer relationship it does take getting used to.

    You both need to work on communication better and trying to understand one another's feelings more. You need to work on trust.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    If you want to be with her, you'll have to accept that she must coparent with the child's father. Why "talk" about marriage? Either do or don't do it. It's been a year. She's correct that you seem to have way too many doubts about her.

    Stop stringing her along with insincere marriage talk. Either you're engaged ...or you're not. It's unfair to harbor all theses doubts then string her along with fake talk about a marriage you don't even want.

    Stop and reflect why that is. Do you really want a woman with a child? Do you want kids? Can she have more kids? Is it too soon for you to have marriage talks? If so be clear. Is she initiating this bridal fever or are you ?

    Have your sorted out this recent situation with your ex: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by Danking
    together for a year now and we are extremely close.
    Last month we began talking about getting married

    her baby sons father was messaging a lot.

    she took it that i had doubts, and after spending time talking about our future and marriage she feels we’ve taken a step back in the relationship.

    Im in know rush for marriage, i just want to be with her and for her to want to be with me.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Tricky situation, she seems like a good woman but with a lot of experience in life. The father of her son will always be a part of her and this cannot be changed. However, she has spent some time with you, a year isn't a lot if you think about it. Marriage is still soon, especially if both can't communicate openly. This should be highlighted, because after you are married down the road and this subject hasn't been resolved yet then it'll keep resurfacing.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    central Florida
    You both haven't left toxic emotional baggage behind you, so it's no wonder your relationship is built on sand--not concrete. That's the thing you should be working on yourself. Read some articles and books on how to do so. If this relationship ends, don't enter into a new relationship when the woman is carrying around useless baggage and has her guard up. If a person isn't willing to go full in, then yes, you'll be living in a state of fear and feeling bad about your partner's inability to love you as fully as you should be loved.

    You had every right to question the change in the text activity with the father of her child. If it was an explanation of a child related issue that needs more addressing between the two, then that would be a good explanation of the reason. If they text about other things that don't relate to the child, then you need that info so you can choose to move on if she's crossing relationship boundaries. Like another poster said, you should be able to communicate anything to your partner without feeling like the house will collapse. What was her answer to the extra texting, or was she deflecting and acting pouty and blaming you to avoid giving an honest answer?

    Do you not have a life besides having a gf? Reading between the lines, I'm guessing not, since your fear of a breakup seems to outweigh a confident happiness with the status quo. If you don't regularly hang out with guy friends and have hobbies you engage in without your gf, I strongly suggest you start. Because there are no guarantees in life. Let go of your fears and change your mindset. The only control you have in romance is to choose a woman who is a good risk to your heart, who lacks dealbreakers, lacks emotional baggage, and possesses all of your must-haves. Besides that, you can be the best bf you can be. If all of that is in place, you hope for the best, and if it doesn't work out, it means that fate has someone else in store for you and that you will survive the breakup more easily for having a support system and fulfilling life BESIDES her.

    The power of the mind is your friend if you train it accordingly. Good luck.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Central Canada
    Don't even think about getting married for at least another year. Within that time period you will discover if she is over her ex and if she's capable of taking your feelings into consideration. If you notice when you simply asked if she thought her ex wanted her back, she turned it around on you, manipulated the situation to make it all about her and how hurt she felt when all you did was discuss something rationally with her. She doesn't sound very emotionally mature and I think you'd do well to figure things out more about your compatibility. What she did to you was unfair and immature.

    Marrying someone during the honeymoon period is the worse thing you can do for your own emotional health. You may find your emotional needs are never being met once the new relationship energy is a thing of the past.

  8. #7
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Its so hard to gain a solid understanding from two paragraphs and no verbal tone or inflections, let alone body language...

    My question would be are you two always on eggshells? Or was this more of a singular misunderstanding that got compounded through mutual insecurities being triggered?

    In my own life I had to learn the hard way to stop acting like a weenie. If I was worried and insecure that was a huge turn off for the type of women Im attracted to. So when those feelings come up I usually do like you are doing now and seek outside counsel or I simply act as if I am confident and secure because, again, the women who I like DO NOT want a fragile, squirming man.

    What would happen if you just let this one go? If you didnt dissect it and put every little thing under the microscope? It seems like youre a whole year in and that overall you have a good relationship! Could you just chalk one up to growing pains and love her fiercely even though there is always the chance of a partner leaving in any relationship? If you made yourself vulnerable to heartbreak and did it consciously and fearlessly what do you think her response would be? Whatever you do, dont be a weenie.

    Best wishes!

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