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Not sure what I want to do


Ubiquity

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I'm a female and have been in a relationship for around 7 years, not married.

I've been dealing with an insane amount of stress regarding a custody situation with my S/O's kids. I'm looking for advice that goes beyond the easy and simple answer of "just leave". Although, if you feel there's no other alternative, then I'd still like to hear it.

 

The custody situation mentioned has been going on for almost 3 years now. My S/O is attempting to gain custody off of his kid's grandmother, whom took the kids after the passing of their mother. Long story short, grandma and aunt are crazy and manipulative. They've constantly been speaking bad about my S/O in front of and to the kids. They've made up lies to the point where everything is his fault. Couldn't get new glasses? It's because you can only do that on the weekends when you see your father. And other similar things. My S/Os daughter gets significantly more attention than his son over the grandmother's house since they two of the have essentially bridged the relationship that the mother of the kids was filling. Meaning, grandma calls her by the deceased mother's name and my S/Os daughter says grandma is her new mother. Cue the custody "battle". After grandma realized she wasn't getting anywhere near full custody, she had my S/O's daughter lie about physical and sexual abuse (which before you ask, yes, I KNOW it didn't happen). We weren't able to see either kid for a year and a half while investigations were happening. We still aren't able to see his daughter yet until she gets enough therapy, which, she also attends therapy sessions more frequently for victim services for the false allegations, so I don't have much hope that the once-a-month court-ordered therapy for the relationship between him and his daughter will go well. The grandmother and the aunt are constantly fighting against us and nit-picking anything. Their list of witnesses for whenever we have to go back and redo our custody hearing is impressive.

 

That was a whole lot of text about parent-child relationships that I thought was necessary to include so that it is maybe easier to understand why exactly I'm so very very stressed. There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about this issue and get stressed. I've been having stomach issues since last year, more frequent heart palpitations, etc. And gosh, I'm still young! Lately, this has been way too overwhelming and I don't think this will ever end until the grandmother passes, which might not be anytime soon. Part of me wonders if leaving the situation is the best thing for me. But part of me also thinks I might not be able to live with myself. We live in a house under my name only. He moved an hour and a half away from his family and hometown for me. With his income only, there's no way he could afford to live on his own and take care of the kids. I feel like I'd be screwing him out having better chances with custody, or maybe any chances. But if I stay, I'm not sure what I can do to help with the stress. I spoke with one of my best friends, who said that it sounds like there's more reasons for me to stay then to go. Which, if that's the case, alright, but I definitely need some way to deal with this daily stress. My S/O is kind and matches my personality well, besides a few downfalls, such as laziness and not always having good common sense. At this point, I've grown comfortable and attached to him, and I've started to enjoy a life with children. I didn't like the idea of having kids before.

 

So: 1. Should I stick with it? 2. How do I cope?

 

Sorry, I'm rambling and stressed. I probably left out a lot. Please feel free to ask any questions. Thanks

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How well do the children get along with you?

 

They are fine with me. His son had a brief moment the week after his mother's passing where he was upset because he thought I was taking the place of his mother. But, that was years ago, and since then, the relationship has been well. There talks, hugs, nicknames, story time, etc. Based on his past comments, I believe he views me more of a friend than a guardian figure, though. As far as his daughter, before the false allegations came up, I would have even said that she liked me a bit more than my S/O. Now it's a touchy subject to think about who she likes at this point.

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Why did the children go to the Grandmother & not their Father when their Mother passed away?

I believe the grandmother thought the kids were the last thing she had of her daughter and wanted to take them. It was never discussed with my S/O beforehand, but given that she argued that he doesn't have any right to the kids since he wasn't on the birth certificate, I don't think she believed my S/O had any right to them, even though he had been seeing them every weekend since he split with the mother. The grandmother lived in much closer distance to the mother, so that she could keep them in the same school district, and they also all lived together for a period of time, about a year before her passing. The goal was to have them finish out the school year with the grandmother and then bring them with us, but custody papers were issued before hand. There was a bit more to it, but in the end, that's the big picture of what happened.

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I can understand the boys sentiments. I've been there and know that feeling well. Children thrive on the feeling of security and having a home. They can sense more things than most give them credit for. My thoughts are this ... As you know, this isn't going to be an easy haul for you with all of the legal matters that are in process. If you have established a relationship with these children, it very well could be a major part of their "Safe Zone". I'm not sure how old they are but if they're too young to define it in their minds, they will definitely express it when they get older. You've made no secret as how you feel about your S/O (and I probably don't need to say this) but you also need to consider if you have the will and desire to raise them as your own in that "friend" image they have of you right now, as you go through this legal battle. You don't need to answer out loud but when you look at them do you get a feeling of happiness, neutral sense or dread, inside? That I think will give you the answer you're looking for. As far as coping with one decision or the other, I'm afraid it's not as easy as 1,2,3. You'll just have to take day by day, but I wouldn't spend too much time dwelling on it either way and giving you more unnecessary physical complications. Try to focus on the positive things especially when you're going to sleep. Your subconscious mind will be programmed with whatever you load into it as you drift off. When you wake in the morning your conscious mind will migrate towards that program. You put negative stuff in, you get negative stuff out.

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You sound like a great companion and you seem to embody a great blend of logic & heart.

 

Have you ever tried meditation? I have a medical condition that is greatly exacerbated by stress, and so began researching ways to cope with the stresses of modern adult life. Diet, exercise and talk therapy were among the things I incorporated into my stress reduction mission...but nothing was as powerful as a daily meditation practice.

 

In the beginning I read an article online about the basics and set a timer for three minutes each morning. It was enough to fundamentally change my outlook on life and today colleagues, friends and family all compliment me on my serenity and positive contributions to group situations... Probably sounds like I’m bragging but my intent is just to share my experience.

 

Best wishes!

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I believe the grandmother thought the kids were the last thing she had of her daughter and wanted to take them. It was never discussed with my S/O beforehand, but given that she argued that he doesn't have any right to the kids since he wasn't on the birth certificate, I don't think she believed my S/O had any right to them, even though he had been seeing them every weekend since he split with the mother. The grandmother lived in much closer distance to the mother, so that she could keep them in the same school district, and they also all lived together for a period of time, about a year before her passing. The goal was to have them finish out the school year with the grandmother and then bring them with us, but custody papers were issued before hand. There was a bit more to it, but in the end, that's the big picture of what happened.

 

Thanks for the info.

So has your SO had a DNA test, and is there any reason he isnt on the children's birth certificate?

 

You sound like a very caring lady & the children are lucky to have you in their lives.

IM not sure how I would proceed though, as it sounds like a very messy issue

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I can understand the boys sentiments. I've been there and know that feeling well. Children thrive on the feeling of security and having a home. They can sense more things than most give them credit for. My thoughts are this ... As you know, this isn't going to be an easy haul for you with all of the legal matters that are in process. If you have established a relationship with these children, it very well could be a major part of their "Safe Zone". I'm not sure how old they are but if they're too young to define it in their minds, they will definitely express it when they get older. You've made no secret as how you feel about your S/O (and I probably don't need to say this) but you also need to consider if you have the will and desire to raise them as your own in that "friend" image they have of you right now, as you go through this legal battle. You don't need to answer out loud but when you look at them do you get a feeling of happiness, neutral sense or dread, inside? That I think will give you the answer you're looking for. As far as coping with one decision or the other, I'm afraid it's not as easy as 1,2,3. You'll just have to take day by day, but I wouldn't spend too much time dwelling on it either way and giving you more unnecessary physical complications. Try to focus on the positive things especially when you're going to sleep. Your subconscious mind will be programmed with whatever you load into it as you drift off. When you wake in the morning your conscious mind will migrate towards that program. You put negative stuff in, you get negative stuff out.

The kids have had to adapt to a lot of people coming and going with the mother changing boyfriends, houses, pets, etc. Unfortunately, in this case, it seems that they feel the safe zone is mostly with their grandmother. Which, she exhibits enough abnormal behaviors and has even verbally put his son down, so it sort of astounds me. But, I suppose they're still more used to living with her then with us and they likely don't know enough about what normal behavior is since they seem to stay at home often. It's a lot to think about. And yes, unfortunately coping won't be as easy as I'd like. Thanks for the response.

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Well....given that you were in a relationship with him for 7 years, that means at minimum for the past 7 years he has been essentially weekend dad and presumably longer than that unless he went straight from baby momma to you. So it only makes sense that the children have a stronger relationship with their grandma and feel safe there. On top of that....what's the deal with him not being on their birth certificates? It doesn't sound like he was ever a present parent.......

 

I tend to be a bit skeptical of what the truth may be when one side is presented as 100% disordered - children's mother was all kinds of bad, revolving door of men, etc, grandma is manipulative psycho, aunt is crazy, witnesses are conspiring and lying, his own daughter is lying.....BUT your bf is a saint. Sorry, but there is a lot that's not adding up with that.

 

Perhaps you are feeling physically sick with stress because you are ignoring your own gut screaming at you that something is off with this situation and has been off for a long long time.

 

Overall, if you are getting sick, you are over involved in this situation. This is between your bf, lawyers, and courts. You have no standing or say, so please, take a big step back from all of this. This whole fight is none of your business and you shouldn't even be going to any court hearings and so on. Not your place and none of your business. I know it sounds harsh, but I think you need to hear this.

 

The above mess aside, you describe your bf as lazy and also financially dependent on you...... I mean.....what are you really doing? What are you getting out of this?

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Thanks for the info.

So has your SO had a DNA test, and is there any reason he isnt on the children's birth certificate?

 

You sound like a very caring lady & the children are lucky to have you in their lives.

IM not sure how I would proceed though, as it sounds like a very messy issue

There’s never really been a question of who the father is. His son, at least, looks exactly like him. Him not being on the birth certificate was supposedly the mother’s decision to try to alleviate any issues due to the mother being a minor at the time. They were teen parents. Which, whatever my thoughts are on his life choices, I can’t change or affect what has already happened.

 

Thank you. The situation is a bit of a mess and I appreciate that there’s not too much criticism.

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Does he pay child support?

He did while the mother was alive, although nothing was ever done through the Courts. He does not pay the grandmother child support, nor has it been brought up that he should, since custody is still being decided, I imagine.

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Well....given that you were in a relationship with him for 7 years, that means at minimum for the past 7 years he has been essentially weekend dad and presumably longer than that unless he went straight from baby momma to you. So it only makes sense that the children have a stronger relationship with their grandma and feel safe there. On top of that....what's the deal with him not being on their birth certificates? It doesn't sound like he was ever a present parent.......

 

I tend to be a bit skeptical of what the truth may be when one side is presented as 100% disordered - children's mother was all kinds of bad, revolving door of men, etc, grandma is manipulative psycho, aunt is crazy, witnesses are conspiring and lying, his own daughter is lying.....BUT your bf is a saint. Sorry, but there is a lot that's not adding up with that.

 

Perhaps you are feeling physically sick with stress because you are ignoring your own gut screaming at you that something is off with this situation and has been off for a long long time.

 

Overall, if you are getting sick, you are over involved in this situation. This is between your bf, lawyers, and courts. You have no standing or say, so please, take a big step back from all of this. This whole fight is none of your business and you shouldn't even be going to any court hearings and so on. Not your place and none of your business. I know it sounds harsh, but I think you need to hear this.

 

The above mess aside, you describe your bf as lazy and also financially dependent on you...... I mean.....what are you really doing? What are you getting out of this?

He had them every weekend, minus a few weekends whenever him and I were beginning to date. I discussed birth certificates in another response.

 

It’s good to be skeptical. I wish the grandmother wasn’t so mentally ill. There’s many things she has said to the kids and around the kids that no fully functioning adult should ever say. Mental illness runs in their family, i believe. The mother wasn’t so bad, personality wise, but her issues would come and go. She never worked a day in her life, so she had to rely on guys or her mother. She wouldn’t have been able to live alone. Which, I imagine her issues also stemmed from her mother, the grandmother, with some of the things I’ve heard.

As far as my S/O goes, I feel like if I try to defend him too much you wouldn’t believe it anyway. Haha, which is fine. I’ll just say he definitely cares for them a lot, but doesn’t always stand up for himself and lets people walk all over him. Which ties in to him not making the best decisions or having as much common sense. I’m pretty timid myself, but I feel like if I were in his position, I would not let the grandmother and aunt feel like they can walk all over him. But it’s good that I’m not in his position. I can’t imagine that stress and not being able to get away from it...

 

But you’re right, I think it would be good to weigh the pros and cons of what I’m getting out of the relationship.

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Sorry you got sucked into this. Unfortunately these are all legal issues. That means the courts and attorneys and social workers need to make their decisions about things. The courts do not order all these thing for fun. The good news is this is not your battle so there is nothing for you to do.

 

Do not communicate with his child's family. The best way you could help is to step out of the picture because having an antagonist live-in gf and no residence in his own name will work against him.

 

Taking sides and being resentful toward the child's family is not helping anyone. You are way too wrapped up in a situation that only the courts can decide and that you have no standing in.

in a relationship for around 7 years, not married.

We weren't able to see either kid for a year and a half while investigations were happening.

 

We still aren't able to see his daughter yet until she gets enough therapy, which, she also attends therapy sessions more frequently for victim services

 

I don't have much hope that the once-a-month court-ordered therapy for the relationship between him and his daughter will go well.

 

We live in a house under my name only.

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Was the mother very young when she died? Was he?

 

I don't understand why custody was given to the grandmother instead of the biological father. A DNA test could have been done to confirm paternity.

They were both in their 20s. It was quite unexpected.

I explained it a bit in other responses, as to how they ended up with the grandmother. Official custody decision was in favor of my S/O, but unfortunately it was never put in place since the false allegations came up right after the grandmother realized she wasnÂ’t getting full custody

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He had them every weekend, minus a few weekends whenever him and I were beginning to date. I discussed birth certificates in another response.

 

It’s good to be skeptical. I wish the grandmother wasn’t so mentally ill. There’s many things she has said to the kids and around the kids that no fully functioning adult should ever say. Mental illness runs in their family, i believe. The mother wasn’t so bad, personality wise, but her issues would come and go. She never worked a day in her life, so she had to rely on guys or her mother. She wouldn’t have been able to live alone. Which, I imagine her issues also stemmed from her mother, the grandmother, with some of the things I’ve heard.

As far as my S/O goes, I feel like if I try to defend him too much you wouldn’t believe it anyway. Haha, which is fine. I’ll just say he definitely cares for them a lot, but doesn’t always stand up for himself and lets people walk all over him. Which ties in to him not making the best decisions or having as much common sense. I’m pretty timid myself, but I feel like if I were in his position, I would not let the grandmother and aunt feel like they can walk all over him. But it’s good that I’m not in his position. I can’t imagine that stress and not being able to get away from it...

 

But you’re right, I think it would be good to weigh the pros and cons of what I’m getting out of the relationship.

 

The thing is that he has always been just a weekend dad at the children's mother's will. Legally, she rejected him and denied legal rights as the father when she didn't put him on the birth certificates. So in that light, it makes sense that the kids are living with the grandmother from a legal standpoint. They aren't walking all over him - he never had rights or custody to begin with and it's no surprise that trying to get those rights is an uphill battle.

 

Some things you say are....well....one child, one whoops if you will, is a teenage mistake, but more than that....you really shouldn't sweep that under the rug as "mistake" or "bad choices" - the man is not an imbecile. Consider that he knew what he is doing and he isn't the quite the victim he makes himself out to be.

 

The whole the mother of the children was living off other people is a bit ironic considering that your bf is doing what....? Living off you.

 

If you turn the prism and look at your bf as a man who is making choices rather than a poor schmuck who is a victim of constant bad decisions....what do you see? I hope you think on that along with what Wiseman said - take a big step back away from this drama. This isn't your battle and ultimately the courts will decide what will be.

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The thing is that he has always been just a weekend dad at the children's mother's will. Legally, she rejected him and denied legal rights as the father when she didn't put him on the birth certificates. So in that light, it makes sense that the kids are living with the grandmother from a legal standpoint. They aren't walking all over him - he never had rights or custody to begin with and it's no surprise that trying to get those rights is an uphill battle.

 

Some things you say are....well....one child, one whoops if you will, is a teenage mistake, but more than that....you really shouldn't sweep that under the rug as "mistake" or "bad choices" - the man is not an imbecile. Consider that he knew what he is doing and he isn't the quite the victim he makes himself out to be.

 

The whole the mother of the children was living off other people is a bit ironic considering that your bf is doing what....? Living off you.

 

If you turn the prism and look at your bf as a man who is making choices rather than a poor schmuck who is a victim of constant bad decisions....what do you see? I hope you think on that along with what Wiseman said - take a big step back away from this drama. This isn't your battle and ultimately the courts will decide what will be.

Actually, that first point isn't correct. The lawyer said the birth certificate thing was rather irrelevant to his custody. He was already acknowledged as the father, with having arrangements in order with the mother to have them on the weekends before her death, being listed as a guardian with their school, attending functions and events as the father, and with the grandmother referring to him as the father in Court paperwork.

 

I think you misunderstood - I never said he was a victim. And it isn't the same situation as with the mother of the kids. But, I don't want to get further in to that as I feel it's off base of the advice I was looking for. I know my S/Os situations and how he is as a person, what he gets out of the relationship, etc. I was more focused on how I can manage through dealing with the stress of custody, or if I could even manage. Taking a step back does fit, however, so I will try to consider my ability to do that in the scope of the situation.

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