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Thread: Not sure what I want to do

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well....given that you were in a relationship with him for 7 years, that means at minimum for the past 7 years he has been essentially weekend dad and presumably longer than that unless he went straight from baby momma to you. So it only makes sense that the children have a stronger relationship with their grandma and feel safe there. On top of that....what's the deal with him not being on their birth certificates? It doesn't sound like he was ever a present parent.......

    I tend to be a bit skeptical of what the truth may be when one side is presented as 100% disordered - children's mother was all kinds of bad, revolving door of men, etc, grandma is manipulative psycho, aunt is crazy, witnesses are conspiring and lying, his own daughter is lying.....BUT your bf is a saint. Sorry, but there is a lot that's not adding up with that.

    Perhaps you are feeling physically sick with stress because you are ignoring your own gut screaming at you that something is off with this situation and has been off for a long long time.

    Overall, if you are getting sick, you are over involved in this situation. This is between your bf, lawyers, and courts. You have no standing or say, so please, take a big step back from all of this. This whole fight is none of your business and you shouldn't even be going to any court hearings and so on. Not your place and none of your business. I know it sounds harsh, but I think you need to hear this.

    The above mess aside, you describe your bf as lazy and also financially dependent on you...... I mean.....what are you really doing? What are you getting out of this?

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by shellyf62
    Thanks for the info.
    So has your SO had a DNA test, and is there any reason he isnt on the children's birth certificate?

    You sound like a very caring lady & the children are lucky to have you in their lives.
    IM not sure how I would proceed though, as it sounds like a very messy issue
    Thereís never really been a question of who the father is. His son, at least, looks exactly like him. Him not being on the birth certificate was supposedly the motherís decision to try to alleviate any issues due to the mother being a minor at the time. They were teen parents. Which, whatever my thoughts are on his life choices, I canít change or affect what has already happened.

    Thank you. The situation is a bit of a mess and I appreciate that thereís not too much criticism.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Does he pay child support?
    He did while the mother was alive, although nothing was ever done through the Courts. He does not pay the grandmother child support, nor has it been brought up that he should, since custody is still being decided, I imagine.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Was the mother very young when she died? Was he?

    I don't understand why custody was given to the grandmother instead of the biological father. A DNA test could have been done to confirm paternity.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Well....given that you were in a relationship with him for 7 years, that means at minimum for the past 7 years he has been essentially weekend dad and presumably longer than that unless he went straight from baby momma to you. So it only makes sense that the children have a stronger relationship with their grandma and feel safe there. On top of that....what's the deal with him not being on their birth certificates? It doesn't sound like he was ever a present parent.......

    I tend to be a bit skeptical of what the truth may be when one side is presented as 100% disordered - children's mother was all kinds of bad, revolving door of men, etc, grandma is manipulative psycho, aunt is crazy, witnesses are conspiring and lying, his own daughter is lying.....BUT your bf is a saint. Sorry, but there is a lot that's not adding up with that.

    Perhaps you are feeling physically sick with stress because you are ignoring your own gut screaming at you that something is off with this situation and has been off for a long long time.

    Overall, if you are getting sick, you are over involved in this situation. This is between your bf, lawyers, and courts. You have no standing or say, so please, take a big step back from all of this. This whole fight is none of your business and you shouldn't even be going to any court hearings and so on. Not your place and none of your business. I know it sounds harsh, but I think you need to hear this.

    The above mess aside, you describe your bf as lazy and also financially dependent on you...... I mean.....what are you really doing? What are you getting out of this?
    He had them every weekend, minus a few weekends whenever him and I were beginning to date. I discussed birth certificates in another response.

    Itís good to be skeptical. I wish the grandmother wasnít so mentally ill. Thereís many things she has said to the kids and around the kids that no fully functioning adult should ever say. Mental illness runs in their family, i believe. The mother wasnít so bad, personality wise, but her issues would come and go. She never worked a day in her life, so she had to rely on guys or her mother. She wouldnít have been able to live alone. Which, I imagine her issues also stemmed from her mother, the grandmother, with some of the things Iíve heard.
    As far as my S/O goes, I feel like if I try to defend him too much you wouldnít believe it anyway. Haha, which is fine. Iíll just say he definitely cares for them a lot, but doesnít always stand up for himself and lets people walk all over him. Which ties in to him not making the best decisions or having as much common sense. Iím pretty timid myself, but I feel like if I were in his position, I would not let the grandmother and aunt feel like they can walk all over him. But itís good that Iím not in his position. I canít imagine that stress and not being able to get away from it...

    But youíre right, I think it would be good to weigh the pros and cons of what Iím getting out of the relationship.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry you got sucked into this. Unfortunately these are all legal issues. That means the courts and attorneys and social workers need to make their decisions about things. The courts do not order all these thing for fun. The good news is this is not your battle so there is nothing for you to do.

    Do not communicate with his child's family. The best way you could help is to step out of the picture because having an antagonist live-in gf and no residence in his own name will work against him.

    Taking sides and being resentful toward the child's family is not helping anyone. You are way too wrapped up in a situation that only the courts can decide and that you have no standing in.
    Originally Posted by Ubiquity
    in a relationship for around 7 years, not married.
    We weren't able to see either kid for a year and a half while investigations were happening.

    We still aren't able to see his daughter yet until she gets enough therapy, which, she also attends therapy sessions more frequently for victim services

    I don't have much hope that the once-a-month court-ordered therapy for the relationship between him and his daughter will go well.

    We live in a house under my name only.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Was the mother very young when she died? Was he?

    I don't understand why custody was given to the grandmother instead of the biological father. A DNA test could have been done to confirm paternity.
    They were both in their 20s. It was quite unexpected.
    I explained it a bit in other responses, as to how they ended up with the grandmother. Official custody decision was in favor of my S/O, but unfortunately it was never put in place since the false allegations came up right after the grandmother realized she wasn’t getting full custody

  9. #18
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ubiquity
    He had them every weekend, minus a few weekends whenever him and I were beginning to date. I discussed birth certificates in another response.

    Itís good to be skeptical. I wish the grandmother wasnít so mentally ill. Thereís many things she has said to the kids and around the kids that no fully functioning adult should ever say. Mental illness runs in their family, i believe. The mother wasnít so bad, personality wise, but her issues would come and go. She never worked a day in her life, so she had to rely on guys or her mother. She wouldnít have been able to live alone. Which, I imagine her issues also stemmed from her mother, the grandmother, with some of the things Iíve heard.
    As far as my S/O goes, I feel like if I try to defend him too much you wouldnít believe it anyway. Haha, which is fine. Iíll just say he definitely cares for them a lot, but doesnít always stand up for himself and lets people walk all over him. Which ties in to him not making the best decisions or having as much common sense. Iím pretty timid myself, but I feel like if I were in his position, I would not let the grandmother and aunt feel like they can walk all over him. But itís good that Iím not in his position. I canít imagine that stress and not being able to get away from it...

    But youíre right, I think it would be good to weigh the pros and cons of what Iím getting out of the relationship.
    The thing is that he has always been just a weekend dad at the children's mother's will. Legally, she rejected him and denied legal rights as the father when she didn't put him on the birth certificates. So in that light, it makes sense that the kids are living with the grandmother from a legal standpoint. They aren't walking all over him - he never had rights or custody to begin with and it's no surprise that trying to get those rights is an uphill battle.

    Some things you say are....well....one child, one whoops if you will, is a teenage mistake, but more than that....you really shouldn't sweep that under the rug as "mistake" or "bad choices" - the man is not an imbecile. Consider that he knew what he is doing and he isn't the quite the victim he makes himself out to be.

    The whole the mother of the children was living off other people is a bit ironic considering that your bf is doing what....? Living off you.

    If you turn the prism and look at your bf as a man who is making choices rather than a poor schmuck who is a victim of constant bad decisions....what do you see? I hope you think on that along with what Wiseman said - take a big step back away from this drama. This isn't your battle and ultimately the courts will decide what will be.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    The thing is that he has always been just a weekend dad at the children's mother's will. Legally, she rejected him and denied legal rights as the father when she didn't put him on the birth certificates. So in that light, it makes sense that the kids are living with the grandmother from a legal standpoint. They aren't walking all over him - he never had rights or custody to begin with and it's no surprise that trying to get those rights is an uphill battle.

    Some things you say are....well....one child, one whoops if you will, is a teenage mistake, but more than that....you really shouldn't sweep that under the rug as "mistake" or "bad choices" - the man is not an imbecile. Consider that he knew what he is doing and he isn't the quite the victim he makes himself out to be.

    The whole the mother of the children was living off other people is a bit ironic considering that your bf is doing what....? Living off you.

    If you turn the prism and look at your bf as a man who is making choices rather than a poor schmuck who is a victim of constant bad decisions....what do you see? I hope you think on that along with what Wiseman said - take a big step back away from this drama. This isn't your battle and ultimately the courts will decide what will be.
    Actually, that first point isn't correct. The lawyer said the birth certificate thing was rather irrelevant to his custody. He was already acknowledged as the father, with having arrangements in order with the mother to have them on the weekends before her death, being listed as a guardian with their school, attending functions and events as the father, and with the grandmother referring to him as the father in Court paperwork.

    I think you misunderstood - I never said he was a victim. And it isn't the same situation as with the mother of the kids. But, I don't want to get further in to that as I feel it's off base of the advice I was looking for. I know my S/Os situations and how he is as a person, what he gets out of the relationship, etc. I was more focused on how I can manage through dealing with the stress of custody, or if I could even manage. Taking a step back does fit, however, so I will try to consider my ability to do that in the scope of the situation.

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