I need help navigating a weird situation with my ex

Let me preface with this: up until the end of this past summer, I had no experience with girls at all. Growing up, I was pretty petrified of talking to girls and have some social anxiety issues, even though finding a girlfriend has always appealed to me. When I meet a girl that I like, I also have a tendency to catch really strong emotions and get hung up on that girl for a while, which often puts me in tough situations. But, as of the last couple years, I have been getting better socially, been working out often and I've been told that I've been glowing up.

At the end of the summer, I, 19, met a girl, 19, who worked at the same camp as me. Lets call her K. We were always messaging each other, we got to bump into each other a few times a day and went on three really enjoyable dates. As someone with high standards and no luck, I didn't think I would get involved with anyone who would be up to my standards, so I was over the moon to be with a girl that I was genuinely developing such strong feelings for in such a short period of time. I also found out that K hadn't ever been in a relationship either which made me feel really good about being her first. She wanted to take things slow because of that and also because we would live in different cities for school. The school year is where things got tricky.

K went to school for dance and also made it onto the dance team, which required her to have full day practices on Sundays. She was only free on Saturdays and she was also very social and had a lot of friends, so I only got to see her during a break from school. We still messaged and snapped each other every day, but we both started realizing how difficult this was to stay together. We recognized that we wanted a relationship that was based on seeing each other often and making new memories together, but at the same time, we had such strong feelings for each other. We decided to take a break and we said that in the summer we should get back on track, while still keeping in contact. While we never made any explicit agreement, I was certain that no matter what, I would want to be with her in the summer, and I thought she felt the same. After all, I would literally get the warmest feeling every time I thought about her and she told me some things that made me feel incredible, like how I was the sweetest and most genuine guy she's met and that I was too good to let go after we decided to take a break in November.

And so we took a break, still sending snaps daily and messages every so often. I was still convinced that we would end up together in the summer and so I still thought about K all the time. When winter break came around, I thought I would be able to hang out with K at some point. However, she wasn't being as responsive to me which I thought was a little weird. On Christmas, my dog was tragically and shockingly killed which was devastating. K sent me very supportive messages and aside from anything related to my dog, I felt reassured about K. We planned to hang out about a week later, but she told me she realized last minute that she was busy and had to cancel and I was eventually back living at school.

Since we went on break, I realized a few things. As long as K was in the picture, I didn't want anyone else. She was the only girl I thought about and I would even reject girls that approached me for something casual because I knew I'd just be thinking about K the entire time. After talking about it to my friend, I decided to tell K that I wanted to hold out for her until the summer. I was absolutely destroyed when she responded that she had met someone else and couldn't promise anything about the summer, even though she said she still cared about me. It was a feeling that I would never forget. I fell into a depression after this, and I felt worse about myself then ever before. I was so shocked and upset that we might never get to experience the relationship I was fantasizing about for so long. I didn't know anything about the new guy or the nature of the relationship but it killed me nonetheless. I couldn't stop thinking about it for so long and it really affected my life and my grades. No matter what my family, friends and wellness consultant said, I still felt broken as if I would never be happy like I was with K again. But things did get better. Over time, my mental health improved. Eventually, I met another girl, P. P was really attractive and seemed really smart and interesting but she was much less responsive than K ever was. Eventually, I met up with P, but she wasn't who I was hoping for. She was a nice girl, but she clearly was looking for a casual relationship. We ended up going farther physically than I did with K, but I honestly didn't care much for that experience and we never saw each other again. Although being with another girl was a confidence boost, it made me realize how rare the feelings I had for K were. As someone who hadn't been in a prior relationship when I really wanted to, I had a theory that my feelings for K were so strong because of the fact that I wanted a relationship so badly. After this, I realized that I genuinely did fall really hard for K and I began thinking about her much more, which absolutely sucked.

Recently, the COVID-19 pandemic caused in-person lectures to end at my school, and so everyone went home, probably until classes start in fall. So now, I am probably home for the summer and I still feel awful about this situation and I didn't realize how difficult it would be to get over this. I know I still have strong feelings for K and if I could get back together with her, I would be beyond happy. I'd never been upset at her for seeing someone else; we were both single and never said anything about holding out for each other. I genuinely believe if she was single, she would want to see me again, but I have no idea if she is because after K broke the news to me, I told her I needed to unfollow her on social media because I knew seeing any pictures with her and a guy who isn't me would kill me. In late February, I was out with a friend who asked me if I was still talking to K. My friend knows K and follows her on social media, and so this might mean that she hasn't posted anything with any guy, but I know that's nowhere near enough information.

So this is the situation I am in now. I can ask my friend to verify if K has posted anything about a guy, but beyond that, I don't know what to do. Obviously, I can talk to K and find out if she's single, but what if she's not? Would I give up at that point and hope she's single some other time? Should I try to convince her that she would be happier with me? Should I be upset at her for putting me in this position? Do I need to forget about her completely and try to move on (though I've been trying that)? I would even do some big romantic gesture like write her a song (I can put together a decent one), but I'm not sure if that would be weird. The fact that we never got a real chance to be in a real relationship also plays into this; if she's been in a committed relationship for months, it would be really hard to convince her that to leave that for me, no matter how good our start was. I just don't know what to do and feel like I can't fully get my life back on track without some kind of closure.

Sorry to hear this. It's a tough situation. She seems like a muse to you and unfortunately she is taken so can only offer friendship. Try to stay in touch with good friends and family and in these odd times try to do whatever you can to keep busy with interests, hobbies, school, etc. Continue supportive therapy from your doctor and therapist.

I told her I needed to unfollow her on social media because I knew seeing any pictures with her and a guy who isn't me would kill me. I just don't know what to do and feel like I can't fully get my life back on track without some kind of closure.

Sorry about all this, friend.

Reading your post, my initial thought is that, at this point, K exists in your mind less as an actual person than as the embodiment of something you want: a fierce, deep, sustainable, committed connection. And that, right there, is gold. Tricky part? To experience that gold, for real as opposed to in your head, I think you have to let go of K. She is, as you yourself have articulated, more of a fantasy than a reality as it is.

If you're not ready to do that? Well, yeah, you can reach out and see if she's single and interested. No harm in that, no shame. But you do that owning the full truth, meaning that if she's not—if she tells you she's seeing someone, only wants friendship, or is just kind of vague or flaky or ghostlike—then you take that as a sign that it's time to close this chapter, since relationships are only worth it if two individual truths align. When they're forced, even with he help of a good tune, they just don't work.

You don't, in other words, want to sit around pining, nor do you want to try to "convince" her to be with you. Both of those are insincere states, and any relationship built on one person convincing another to be with them is a relationship built on a very fragile foundation. Another thing to reflect on a bit? You want to be careful that your sense of happiness or stability isn't overly connected to another person—that K equals happiness, and no-K equals despair. Aside from making the day-to-day business of life very difficult, it's not really a mindset that works inside of relationships. Turns them into pressure cookers.

Anyhow, I'm really sorry about this. I know how hard it is to meet someone and connect with them in a way that triggers all sorts of feelings, all sorts of fantasies about how life might change. But part of life is recognizing that those feelings sometimes fade, that those fantasies can't be realized, at least not with the person who triggered them. I like to think of all that as important nonetheless, as just feeling something that intense is a reminder of what you're capable of—and capable of sharing with the right person, at the right time, under the right circumstances.

This here? It just doesn't sound like the right person at the right time, if that makes sense.

My vote is to find out what her current relationship status is. If she’s taken, then you will have to find a way to carry on and live a rich, full life anyway (which it sounds like you’ve done a really good job of so far, despite the pain of the quasi break up.) It’s not like you’ve got anything to lose if you reach out to find out if she’s still dating somebody and she is. In fact, just knowing the facts (even if I don’t like them) seems to bring me more peace of mind than ambiguity and the unknown...

If she’s not committed to someone else, then shoot your shot. Go big! I’m a fan of the over-the-top demonstration whether it’s a song or a super vulnerable conversation where you lay your heart bare. It’s risky - but nothing risked, nothing gained? And the downside is she might not reciprocate your interest, right? That hurts but you get to move forward knowing you’re a man, not a slave to fear.

Sorry about all this, friend.

 

Reading your post, my initial thought is that, at this point, K exists in your mind less as an actual person than as the embodiment of something you want: a fierce, deep, sustainable, committed connection. And that, right there, is gold. Tricky part? To experience that gold, for real as opposed to in your head, I think you have to let go of K. She is, as you yourself have articulated, more of a fantasy than a reality as it is.

 

If you're not ready to do that? Well, yeah, you can reach out and see if she's single and interested. No harm in that, no shame. But you do that owning the full truth, meaning that if she's not—if she tells you she's seeing someone, only wants friendship, or is just kind of vague or flaky or ghostlike—then you take that as a sign that it's time to close this chapter, since relationships are only worth it if two individual truths align. When they're forced, even with he help of a good tune, they just don't work.

 

You don't, in other words, want to sit around pining, nor do you want to try to "convince" her to be with you. Both of those are insincere states, and any relationship built on one person convincing another to be with them is a relationship built on a very fragile foundation. Another thing to reflect on a bit? You want to be careful that your sense of happiness or stability isn't overly connected to another person—that K equals happiness, and no-K equals despair. Aside from making the day-to-day business of life very difficult, it's not really a mindset that works inside of relationships. Turns them into pressure cookers.

 

Anyhow, I'm really sorry about this. I know how hard it is to meet someone and connect with them in a way that triggers all sorts of feelings, all sorts of fantasies about how life might change. But part of life is recognizing that those feelings sometimes fade, that those fantasies can't be realized, at least not with the person who triggered them. I like to think of all that as important nonetheless, as just feeling something that intense is a reminder of what you're capable of—and capable of sharing with the right person, at the right time, under the right circumstances.

 

This here? It just doesn't sound like the right person at the right time, if that makes sense.

Man, why must you write something way more eloquent and thoughtful as I’m typing my drivel...I hit “post quick reply” and I’m following THIS?

OP: you’re getting some GOOD stuff for free here lol

Thanks so much for the meaningful and touching message! I'm going to keep this all in mind.