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Thread: Fighting with family

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Good point. Stay out of the line of fire. Look for jobs, housing, etc everyday. Be out at work clubs, groups, gyms, etc. Your focus if you want independence from this must be making money, budgeting money and getting a place.

    If you were busy with this, you wouldn't have time to be drawn back into the family dynamic with sibling rivalry and squabbling.
    Originally Posted by Andrina
    If you have to be there for now, just go there to sleep, and the rest of the time hang out at the library, start a new hobby, go to a gym, do volunteer work, work temporary part time somewhere, etc.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Blckbttrfly
    I have my own room. I agree, I do believe fighting is not the answer. She initiated it. But okay
    We all were not there, but as hard as it can be in the moment, you always have the option of walking away. To leave the premises, to not engage.

    Even as your emotions cry out to you to defend yourself or to fight back.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member gsxr104's Avatar
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    It's an adjustment on everyone's part. Sometimes a bit more difficult than others. Be the bigger one and let it go. Choose your battles. Remember there is no conflict unless there is an opposition.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Blckbttrfly
    I have my own room. I agree, I do believe fighting is not the answer. She initiated it. But okay

    Even though your sister (or other people) initiate fights and arguments, it's your job to diffuse it and keep a peaceful atmosphere. You can't control others. All you can do is control yourself and prevent any argument from escalating out of control.

    If you know people's triggers whether it's yelling or something else, don't do it. If people are belligerent, don't engage and learn to walk away. Remain civil and peaceful while you make plans to save your money, become financially independent and move out someday.

    You are the one who has to show class, be the bigger person and take the high road. This is how relationships are whether family, friends, colleagues or society in general.

    Even though other people don't exercise self-control, it's your job to exercise your own self-control, impulse-control, self-discipline never allow your emotions to cloud your better judgment during the heat of an argument. Have composure, keep your cool and it you're not sure what to say, err on the side of caution and be quiet.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Since being angry harms your own stomach lining, I'd consider all the ways in which working myself away from that would be in my own best self interest. Harming yourself doesn't 'punish' anyone but you, so holding onto anger doesn't help you in any way, and it won't resolve anything with your family. You need a clear head for that.

    I'd consider why your Mom is stepping out of this, and I'd assume the adult responsibility that she's crediting you for to handle your own relationship with sister on your own.

    That leaves sister. You can't change anything about her, but you can adopt a more helpful perspective by viewing her through a different lens rather than your habitual one. To do this, I'd consider any possible ways that sister might be jealous of you. You mention that you were away at school. Did sister graduate college? Are there circumstances that have caused her misery during the time that you were off living a life that she may envy?

    If you can slant your lens to see sister through the generosity of spirit that affords you some compassion from her, you might find it easier to tolerate her. This doesn't mean you need to forgive her to the degree that you pal up and take her to lunch, although that might be a place to start. I'm a big believer in bribery and other forms of negotiation to get what I want from loved ones, because it offers something of value to them in exchange for it.

    I'd consider changing my lens to feed my own head some peace rather than stew in my perceptions of insult. I'd make it my goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this and minimize it while I need to live there, even while my goal is to move out.

    Head high, you can do this by yourself--you don't need sister to become who you want her to be. See her as less fortunate, and learn what this view can contribute to your own well being.

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