How to get over the fact that she had sex with her cousin

I posted here sometime ago about my girlfriend revealing her sexual encounters with her cousin. Thanks to all those who helped. I decided to let go of the truth that my girlfriend had sex with her cousin since it happened before we were together, hence I continued with our relationship. I’ve however been finding it hard not to think of what really happened when the two cousins were enjoying themselves. I want to get those thoughts and imaginations out of my head. Please help

I don't think you can to be honest, I mean, the average person wouldn't be able to and would have left the relationship by now.

What they did and how they behaved is a type of incest and it's not okay. It also shows the type of person she is concerning morals and values and she rates pretty low in that regard if she can do this.

Honestly, I'm not sure why you're continuing on with this girl when there are millions more out there.

Is she still interacting and taking private calls from him? Is she still flirting with other guys?

Don't understand why you are with this woman.

Perhaps you should reflect if this is the right woman/situation for you. You have been policing her, forcing her to testify about every call every conversation every male in her life etc. from the start.

This isn't a debate about whether it is incest, it's trying to understand if you can not trust someone or accept someone, why are you dating (her or anyone else) until you get a handle on this insecurity and need to control.

I’ve however been finding it hard not to think of what really happened when the two cousins were enjoying themselves. I want to get those thoughts and imaginations out of my head.

Some people draw the line at sexual relations with cousins calling it incest, while others do not. Some people thing the idea of sleeping with your non-blood related step-sibling in the same way, while others do not.

But, if it causes ongoing issues with you, then you have a stricter moral value set than she does and you should let her go. Look for someone who shares a similar of morals as you do.

It really comes down to if you can't let it go, and it seems that you cannot, then you need to let her go.

Why live with this kind of mental torment all the time when you can find a woman who is much more aligned with you when it comes to values and behavior. Your current relationship is built on a foundation of drama and that never works out well in the long run. You are being kind of masochistic by sticking around and trying to force this to work when it's so obviously not working. So much stress you are inflicting on yourself and for what?

Those of us who have endured cheating, fighting, living with addicts, etc., we all try to find a way to make it possible to stay with the person behaving destructively.

It may be that the destructive behavior was done in the past, it may be ongoing.

So we tell ourselves, that our affections are enough, our "love" will conquer this!

But the policing, the nagging doubt, then in some cases (as in mine), the life-threatening STI trumps it all.

Even if she were to go through years of therapy, admit to you that she wanted to do it, has a thing for her cousin but can restrain herself. How would that help you be with her?

For a person to cross that incest boundary, which for most of us is really, really a hard line in the sand, you have to ask yourself about all of her boundaries. What other boundary does she not share with you?

The one she crossed with her cousin? Doing so takes a huge amount of secretive behavior. That attitude is not isolated to screwing one's cousin.

I would venture to say it is a core value in such a person.

Do you really want that in your life?

I posted here sometime ago about my girlfriend revealing her sexual encounters with her cousin. Thanks to all those who helped. I decided to let go of the truth that my girlfriend had sex with her cousin since it happened before we were together, hence I continued with our relationship. I’ve however been finding it hard not to think of what really happened when the two cousins were enjoying themselves. I want to get those thoughts and imaginations out of my head. Please help

I'm just going to repeat what I told you in your first thread about this.

At the very least your girlfriend should not have anything further to do with her cousin but apparently they have a bond past a family dynamic that you would do well to get yourself away from. Don't feel bad about leaving her after she confessed. She needs to learn that she can't hold onto him like she has been if she wants a life partner. Clearly they are having a hard time hiding their bond/attraction for one another since you sussed it out rather quickly so she needs to learn that her behaviour with him is going to cost her her romantic relationships if she doesn't clean up her act with him.

 

I don't think you'll ever be able to trust her or get over what you know (do you think you can?) so cutting ties with her is probably in YOUR best interests. Keep whats in your best interests the focus and don't worry so much about her right now.

I'm also at a loss why you would still be with her and come to the conclusion that you decided to stay with her when the most of us advised you to step away from the relationship because you would never be able to get over the knowledge. So how is it you say the bolded part above?

I'd try to face the music, and understand there will always be a dark cloud hanging over your head that will never go away.

It's either pay now, or pay later. Choose wisely.

When something goes against our fundamental values & mores, I don't think it can be dismissed.

Dude, no one told you to "Get past it" -- i believe you were told to run. Its not even about some guy she dated before you but because he is her mail carrier, she has no choice but to be civil. THIS IS HER COUSIN. So inappropriate, its incest if I didn't have to remind you (a big hard no line for me.) and it may indicate if he's older, he molested her as a child or other family members did and she thinks this is normal. Get off this merry go round. This is not something to "Get past". She may even think that family sex is okay and if you have a child its encouraged for them to explore with relatives.

If you are a culture where cousins marry.. .. its usually a society where there are no dating or hookups, an insulated community and they usually had not "grown up with them" - usually some cousin who lives far away, etc. or more likely a third cousin vs a direct cousin.

It's just cousins...if it was brother and sister then ya you would have a problem. In some cultures it is normal. I used to work with a Portuguese girl, and she married her cousin. It's kinda weird, but it is not uncommon.

I personally don't see anything wrong with consenting adults doing things with other consenting adults, related or not, provided there was no "grooming" when one of them was in underage years. So in your position, no, I wouldn't necessarily be bothered. THAT SAID...

You ARE bothered. And it's okay to be bothered. I'm not going to tear her down for what she did but it is okay to not want to be with someone because of something that they did that goes against your values. Give yourself permission to leave. No, you do not have to "get over this". You are not feeling good about it, you're ruminating about it, and it's affecting your relationship. It's time to go.

I do not feel this way about this subject but I'll tell you, back when I was dating (I am not now, single and looking to stay that way), I would NOT date anyone who had a history of casual sex or hook-ups. I myself lack such a history. Do I think that behavior is immoral? No, not really, but I just didn't want to engage with someone sexually who partook in that and that was my choice and it is totally valid.

You're not okay with it. Be okay with not being okay with it. Find someone else and stop mentally tormenting yourself by staying with her. It's not worth it.

It's just cousins...if it was brother and sister then ya you would have a problem. In some cultures it is normal. I used to work with a Portuguese girl, and she married her cousin. It's kinda weird, but it is not uncommon.

I still find it ew in a very big way. There's no way I could even consider it. I suppose if you lived in a tiny remote village and the options were extremely limited. Maybe then it might make a tiny bit of sense? But in today's day and age and the world population being 7.8 billion, I just don't see why anyone would lower themselves to this depravity.

And to be honest, it's fairly gross. Too close for my comfort.

If some guy told me he fooled around with his own cousin, I'd wish him well and be gone and not look back. It seems really hillbilly to me.

It's looked down upon in Western society for sure. It's seen as lower class and trashy. I know other cultures are okay with it and up until relatively recently in Europe and US, people used to marry their cousins quite a bit. Public sentiment has changed for sure. It is what it is.

OP, it is okay to not be okay with it. Give yourself permission to walk away.

I want to get those thoughts and imaginations out of my head. Please help

I read your other posts here because this was missing some details to better understand the situation. I see you made a post all the way back in December about this. In that post, you mentioned she was "flirting with other guys". It caused conflict and you told her to stop, which she did (at least face to face).

To me, it sounds like there's trust issues. The whole cousin situation aside, it's not appropriate for her to be flirting with other guys. Especially if you guys are supposed to be in a serious relationship. And, people have their own past sex lives. I don't know if it's the fact that she had sex in the past and still keeps in touch with that person, and/or the fact that it's her cousin. Women having past sex lives is something you're going to have to live with. But, it's certainly acceptable to be grossed out or disgusted that her past partner was a family member, and that it happened multiple times. One thing I wanna say on that topic... it happens a lot more than you would probably think. There's boards on reddit dedicated to incest, and it's 1000x more extreme than cousins. Mothers and daughters, dads and sons, family orgies, you name it, it's on there. I had a friend (note the word "had") that had sex with his own sister. Stick two hormonal teenagers together for long enough, regardless of them being related... things happen.

Regardless, ruminating on this for three months is *NOT* good for your mental health! I will tell you that much. Been there, done that. If you don't get to the root of the issue, it grows into things like OCD, where you're now thinking about it 2,000 times a day, and seeking validation for her behavior and your thinking.

One thing I wanna say; you're allowed to feel hurt by this. You're allowed to feel disgusted as well. If there's things you don't like about this, you have to let those feelings flow. You can't just keep them bottled up forever. And you may never "get over" those thoughts. I go to therapy for this type of thing. I always here "we have way less control over our thoughts than we think we do". Maybe you simply can't live with this. And it sounds to me, like there were other issues to it prior. If I were in your shoes, I would consider dumping this woman and move on, simply over the flirting with other guys thing. All this time ruminating over these sexual thoughts of her must be putting a strain on your relationship in some way. I think enough time has passed that maybe it's time for you to look for greener pastures. There's plenty of women out there who haven't had sex with their family members, and won't flirt with other guys.

There's boards on reddit dedicated to incest, and it's 1000x more extreme than cousins. Mothers and daughters, dads and sons, family orgies, you name it, it's on there. I had a friend (note the word "had") that had sex with his own sister. Stick two hormonal teenagers together for long enough, regardless of them being related... things happen.

:eek: WTH??! Are humans devolving?

:eek: WTH??! Are humans devolving?

I honestly believe that a lot of adult closeted incest has happened behind closed doors for a long time. The difference is that with the internet, you have venues to hear about it. You didn't have that before. Out of sight, out of mind...

I think there is a lot that goes on that we have no idea about.