It's Happened Again

Hey everyone,

I need some advice. My husband is completely ignoring me. It couldn't have come at a worse time (not as though there is a best time to be ignored).

It all happened last Thursday. I have a relative who is suffering with very ill health so I need my husband's support more than ever. Due to high stress within the family, it caused a minor falling out with a close relative. It has all been sorted out now, but at the time this relative involved my husband. They weren't being horrible behind my back, just saying that we'd had a falling out. I requested, politely, that my husband should not get involved as it would all blow over given time. When I saw him on his phone I asked him what he was texting, so I would know before he sent it. It was a simple question. He totally blew up and said, "Nothing." I said I was only asking. He told me I was accusing him. I then told him I wasn't accusing as my sentence began with 'what', meaning it was simply a question. He wasn't having any of it, ended the video call. He calls back a few minuted later still in the same bad temper. The call ended and, in a moment of hurt, I blocked his calls on one social media platform.

Since then, he's not attempted to call on all of the other social media platforms and I'm going out of my mind with worry that my marriage is over. I have so much to deal with right now. My relative is seriously ill and I really needed my husband by my side. I can't believe he'd emotionally abandon me this way. When I say he blows up, he totally blows up. And this is getting a regular occurrence. He is always ending the calls, only to call back a few hours later. I keep reminding him I do not have to put up with being spoken to the way he does and that he needs to control his temper.

Since the silence, I have noticed he has added a scantily-clad woman on social media, although I can't see that they've openly interacted. He has also spoken to mutual friends, Yet absolutely no apology to me. I can't believe he hasn't even said sorry. He lost his temper. He ended the call. He has failed to emotionally support me with what is going on right now.He's giving time to other people instead of prioritising his marriage. I can't even say he's still angry as he had the audacity to like one of my previous posts and a couple more likes on mine and my friend's comments. This was yesterday. All today, and I've heard nothing. My heart is breaking.

I don't want to make the first contact as I believe this will allow him to repeat the whole cycle again and again, letting him know that I eventually come running back no matter how long he holds out for.

I really love this man, but I know his constant shouting and my treading on eggshells isn't healthy. Other times he can be a very loving man. I just feel very low as he abandoned me when I need his support the most. Where do I go from here? How can I allow myself to heal and move on if it isn't doing me any good in the long run? What are his chances of making contact? He's not deleted me and still has his status as married to me.

Any positive advice is welcome. I'm feeling extremely vulnerable right now, so if it is best for me to move on, how can I do so effectively, with minimal damage to anyone, and how much time do I allow him to reflect over his ill-temper and our marriage before I begin to move on? Is he feeling anything at all for me?

Thank you in advance.

First is you need to understand that abusive people, and emotional abuse is abuse, do not feel remorse. So don't hold your breath for him apologizing. Even if he does, it will never be genuine, only manipulative. Again, in his mind, he is perfectly entitled to do what he is doing.

What you do is go to the best three divorce lawyers in town, consult, and hire the most aggressive one. File for divorce and start moving on with your life. You cannot wish a snake into a cuddly bunny. No magic on earth will make your husband be something than an abusive pos that he is. Sorry, but stop wasting your love on someone who doesn't deserve it. Rather love yourself enough to leave him.

That is why I won't make the first move and it is hurting me so much. I really do love him, but I am fed up with him ending the calls all the time over something so trivial. We've never argued over something major. It's usually him losing his temper over the smallest things. I rally am trying to put myself first and have self-respect. It's so hard as my marriage has failed the same time as a close relative is seriously ill.

Sounds like this there's some deep resentment going on and no one is willing to talk about it. Ignoring each other is the kiss of death to any relationship. You want this to work, seek out some counseling for yourself first. It's obvious your husband can't handle supporting you for whatever reason. Once you get a handle of your crisis, then have a discussion on maybe seeking some counseling together.

Is this the same person you posted about a year ago when you thought things were over? How did that situation resolve?

For the most part, we are loving and have grown into one another. However, he has these bouts of quick-tempered rages. At the moment we are a long-distance marriage so most of it is spent on video call. I know when I've said something 'wrong' as he gets up from his chair, shouting and then ends the call. I've even told him that I don;t see how we could possibly live together when he displays such tantrums. I do believe what the previous poster said about it being emotional abuse. I've also read that the silent treatment is their to punish the victim into believing they are the ones to blame.

Yes, I'm glad you asked, saluk. Unfortunately, I broke the no contact. I felt so weak and helpless. Again, in another vulnerable situation with other problems. That why I believe he thinks I will break again. But he's not stopped ending the calls and going silent. This current one is definitely one of the longest periods of silence, though.

Yes, I'm glad you asked, saluk. Unfortunately, I broke the no contact. I felt so weak and helpless. Again, in another vulnerable situation with other problems. That why I believe he thinks I will break again. But he's not stopped ending the calls and going silent. This current one is definitely one of the longest periods of silence, though.

I know exactly what you mean extreme temper, ignoring, major blow ups, egg shells. It is abuse. And you have to reach the decision that you are not going to tolerate this and take the steps to end it.

Chances are he won't believe you mean it. He'll handle it completely inappropriately, not step up to any of your needs and then when it finally hits him you are serious, then he'll play the victim, Mr Nice Guy.

Been there. Done that.

You have to be really strong and set your priorities for your life. Control your inner dialogue... that you do not have time for his temper, your family member needs you, you need you. Start focusing on taking care of yourself and commit to your own mental health and state.

Its hard, but abusers don't change. I found once I got away from my ex, I realized I cant do mean tempers... I had a dear friend, but she also was a hot head. We had an argument once and she hit me. I never talked to her again. 20 years of friendship ruined. But I'm no one's victim.

Don't let anyone abuse you. You know how you'd never let someone abuse your dog? that's the level of conviction you must have for yourself.

What you've put up with in past, is no longer relevant. Your whole being has to be, "I needed you and you choose your temper and the same old B.S. you've put me through a million times. I'm done"

And mean it. Make sure you're ready because if you go there, you can't back down or he'll know you were full of crap. And nothing will change.

know you cant change him. you can only change the situation.

Good luck. I hope you have the strength to save your own life.

Being in a long distance marriage would make it easier to end it.

He is not being supportive or loving to you. You deserve so much better.

Sending loving thoughts to your ill family member xxx

I am sorry that you are dealing with so much. On top of your family member you are dealing with an unsupportive spouse. He sounds emotionally abusive and manipulative. How long has this behavior been going on?

I am curious as to how long you have been married and how much time you have lived together?

Lambert. I really like what you said about how I wouldn’t allow anyone to abuse a dog so why not have the same standards for myself and not allow myself to be abused.

Thank you

I know you’re right. And thank you so much regarding my family member xx

Hi Hollyj. We’ve been together for a number of years, but the temper tantrums are much more frequent as of late.

We’re planning to live together. We haven’t so far because of commitments we already have on our home towns.

I wake this morning to discover he’s placed a love heart by one of my selfies. I felt elated, then I realised: this isn’t an apology; it’s not a grown-up man wishing to speak to his wife; it’s not a text or a phone call.

To be honest, this breadcrumb has made me feel worse and more confused. I’ve not responded as I don’t feel there’s anything to respond to.

Why is it a long distance relationship? Do you live with family? Does he support you financially? You need to enlist the help of local friends, family doctors and therapists for more support. It's easy for you to walk away. Is it an arranged marriage? Will your family shun or honor kill you if you try to get out of it? Were you married off under the age of 18?

I wake this morning to discover he’s placed a love heart by one of my selfies.

No, the marriage is by pure choice. We’re both from western countries. It’s more my side: I have commitments here for at least the next two years. We do visit each other and speak everyday, apart from the silent periods. The distance has never been an issue in our marriage, strangely enough. You’d think the bigger issues would cause problems, which thankfully they don’t, but it makes the insignificant issues all the more childish.

Fortunately, my friends and family are very supportive upon realising what’s going on.

What are the good qualities that you like about him especially when you both are happy?