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Thread: I have a month to keep my ex-girlfriend, help

  1. #1

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    I have a month to keep my ex-girlfriend, help

    So obviously, I am very desperate.

    I was dating my ex for about a year.

    We loved each other so much but we were two very different people.

    She is the type that can be a bit "needy" whereas I am the type that needs my own space.

    Our last break up (yes there was one before) took a month because she was trying to hold onto me and I wanted to move on.

    One night, we got into an argument and concluded that although we loved each other so much it was best for us to be apart and move on.

    She brought up the idea first and regretted it the day after but I was the one who called it.

    After spending a post-break up month together (involving sex and going out on a date because we loved each other so much), I cancelled our date night thinking that it was meaningless and hurtful and cut her off by blocking her number.

    But then over the past four weeks this deep regret started growing on me and it reached to a point where I decided to unblock her and get in touch with her again.

    She cried on the phone, told me that she still loves me and misses me and we spent the night together.

    Until then I thought everything was going to be good.

    But I was wrong. Over the three weeks that we weren't together she learnt a lot.

    She learnt that she didn't want to be dependent on others (the "needy" her) anymore and she was quite assertive that she didn't want to even think about getting back with me until she was 100% sure that she was not the needy and emotional girl anymore.

    We still met up, had sex, went for dinner and talked to each other.

    But I could clearly see the difference. Surprisingly she wouldn't text me as much, wouldn't be as engaged in our conversation as she used to be, and would enjoy life without me (seeing friends, going to work, picking up a hobby).

    Her changed attitude affected me and made me even more desparate and even got me depressed.

    Recently, out of desparation I called her and told her about my true feelings towards her and showed her how badly I wanted her back, it was basically a mental breakdown that I shouldn't have shown to her.

    She said "I have so much love for you, but you hurt me a lot and it took me three weeks just not to feel bad everytime I wake up, I am finally on my way to find peace and I do not want to be caught up in that bad cycle again, and now that I am concerned about your well-being I don't think we should see each other again. I want you to come to terms that I won't be around anymore"

    I cried over the phone and begged her to stay but in hindsight I think that pushed her further away from me.

    However, she wanted to one thing for me before it ends which is to stay around for a month. She wants to do this for me because although not intentional, I did the same for her (and again it didn't end well because I dumped her right before our date night).

    Now I have a month to make this right. During our break up period I thought about this over and over again and I know that she is the right person for me.

    I do not want to spend the month getting clingy on her and try to persuade her to come back, I am very aware that it will only reassure her that she made the right call. I know this because I was in her shoes when we broke up. I know that the more I try the less she will be interested in me, and she might even end it before the whole month ends just like I did.

    So over the next month, within the limited amount of time I want her convince but not by way of words but by way of action.

    I want her to see that I can help her be the person that she wants to be by still being together.

    I need some guidance on what I can do over the month to win her back, because this is my last shot and I really do not want to miss it. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Replied in your other thread on this: [Register to see the link]

    Originally Posted by Encom
    She said "I have so much love for you, but you hurt me a lot and it took me three weeks just not to feel bad everytime I wake up, I am finally on my way to find peace and I do not want to be caught up in that bad cycle again, and now that I am concerned about your well-being I don't think we should see each other again. I want you to come to terms that I won't be around anymore"

  3. #3
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    I'd chalk this one up as done with. I actually think you did the right thing calling it off.

    You mutually agreed although you love one another it's not going to work long term. You admit you are 2 different people (incompatible) so why prolong it?

    It's natural you will miss one another but this will pass with time.

    NEVER EVER BEG A WOMAN. Never!


    I would not be staying around for a month. Nothing good will come from it. Thats just for HER ego to see if you will.

    Wish her well, block and delete. You have handed her your balls in a jar when deep down you know you can't be together. Thats YOUR ego messing with you.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    Though it's not what you want to hear, I would take a moment to really reflect on what's going on here. Because what you've described? It kind of sounds like addiction more than affection, two people who trigger an unhealthy desperation and neediness in the other—toxic stuff, in short, since the "true feelings" are only felt when something is lost, i.e. when the drug withdrawal sets in. Generally speaking, two people who repeatedly break up over the course of their first year together are two people who are repeatedly proving that they are better apart than together.

    All of which it seems you both understand, or have understood, at different junctures. First you, now her. Sadly, for both of you, it seems that rather than truly act on that understanding, you go back to acting on the addiction. Recent example? This whole 30 day business. One more month of...well, of what? Of putting you both in a position that is completely impossible, that strips all respect out of the equation, since the moment you have to "convince" someone to be with you is essentially the moment you are no longer connecting with any authenticity.

    It's what's known, in a word, as drama. It's what happens when people mistake their egos for their hearts, which I think you're both guilty of. That's not me saying there isn't real feeling between you two, but that the stickiest glue is ego. When it's heart? You don't need to breakup and create all sorts of strange tests. You're just together, feeling it, doing it.

    I think that's what you both want, in the big picture. The sooner you accept that you can't have it in this picture, with each other, the sooner you'll both be on the road to getting it.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Read your post again - you are both very different people with personalities that do not mesh well or easily. This caused a lot of conflict and friction, which lead to breaking up.

    Where you both went wrong is getting back together once and now trying again. Put this out of its misery already. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you should be in a relationship with them. The point of dating isn't about forcing things to work, it's about learning whether or not you are compatible. In this case, you are not compatible.

    I know it's not what you want to hear, but I really hope that you take a step back, calm down and actually let this relationship go gracefully instead of prolonging this break up/make up game and the pain associated for another month. You both need different partners. She needs someone who is more like her, more needy if you will, and you need someone who is more independent and confident in her own skin. Trying to pound a square peg into a round hole doesn't work, just creates pain and confusion.

    In a good healthy relationship, you don't have to change who you are for things to work smoothly.

  7. #6

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    thanks everyone. Surprisngly, I received some good advice and now I know what to do, really appreciate this

  8. #7
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    You two have been beating this dead horse for a while.

    It's clearly not working. It's time for you both to move on.

  9. #8
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    You actually can't expect anyone to change for you. Unless she's needy to the point of being constantly clingy, she is allowed to have her own dating style. And you are allowed to have your own. People can have different expectations and styles of how they want to be in a relationship.

    For example, I'm quite independent and if I'm in a relationship, I still spend time with my friends and family a lot and have my own hobbies and interests. Whereas one of my ex's was the type of person who doesn't bother with any of their friends once they're in a relationship and wants to spend all their time with their partner. I didn't actually like this and due to this and a number of other reasons, the relationship didn't work out.

    So it's important to be with a person that you match with well in most ways. You have to take that person as they are and don't ask them to change their fundamental behaviour or personality. What you're doing is you're expecting her to be someone else and that's not fair.


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