Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 12 of 12

Thread: I have had it!

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,242
    Gender
    Male
    Your kids sound pretty great, pretty smart, in that they see and appreciate their father for exactly who he is: a troubled man who has a provided them with a solid model of how not to be as a grownup. I've got such a fatherónot ideal, but we don't always get dealt the best cards, and have to learn to play with what we've got.

    Difference between your kids and you? While they can't choose who their father is, you can choose who you are married to, and stay married to. Right now, as DancingFool summarized, you are choosing to stay in the savior role, to remain as hooked on the idea that he will change as he is hooked on the bottle. That can go on, forever, to the detriment of your health.

    In other words, if you want to see how hard it is for someone to stop engaging in unhealthy and destructive behavior, even into their 40s, you can look in the mirror. That's not judgement, at all, but an attempt to get you to see the part of this that you do have control over: yourself, not him. As long as you see this story as something he is doing to you, you will stay in it. If you see it as a story that you are also actively choosing, you can change it.

    My father has a drinking problem. Was bad at 25, remains bad at 60something. My mom left him, and he found another woman to enable him. Point being, 41 is just a number, and people are just who they are. The questions for you to ask right now is now who he is, and when he will change, but who do you want to be? You have a lot more life to live. If you want to it to look and feel different than it's been, you have to make different choices yourself rather than wait for him to do so.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    14,625
    Gender
    Female
    You need to go to alanon which is a support group for the loved one's of alcoholics. They will teach you how you enable his drinking by taking him back, they will teach you that "feeling sorry for him" is about your own short comingings and it's selfish to give into that 'guilt.'

    You and your children should start going. They could go to Alateen or to alanon. At alateen they may meet folks closer to their own age who can relate to what they have had to endure while growing up.

    Enough of your enabling. Go to alanon and hopefully with their support you'll realize your own codependency and get the courage to change yourself so you stop the merry go round, divorce him and let him either sink or swim. He'll never stop until he goes to a support group for alcoholics and he is allowed to hit his rock bottom. When you take him back, you are not letting him hit his rock bottom.

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •